When will I feel better?

[divrco]

Filing divorce from my abusive ex. I have posted many many times over the years. It has always been helpful to post.

I am struggling so much.

I haven't seen him since the end of October. The last time I saw him he told me he was going to kill himslf and I would have his death on my hands. That was the end of our marriage.

3 weeks later (though it over lapped I'm sure) he had a new girlfriend and it's all over social media. We were together for 8 years, married 6 years. Cannot tell you how worthless that made me feel.

We have a 5 year old son together. Ex husband has seen him 3 times since the last time I saw him. On 2nd occasion, he introduced ds to his new girlfriend. On the 3rd occasion he introduced her daughter. He is only allowed to see our son 1 day every other weekend. He stopped maintenance so I applied for cms a few weeks ago.

He has an 18 year old daughter which I am very close too still. We went out for a meal last night. I managed to keep it together whilst with her but that cried for the rest of the night. She told me herself she was annoyed at her dad at the moment - I didn't ask any. I never ask her anything about her dad as I don't want her to think that's the reason I am seeing her. She means a lot to me and I don't want to walk away from her - it's just so hard to see her knowing we are no longer family.

I have a list as long as my arm of crap he put me through. Every time I used to post on here, I was told he was abusive. A narcissist.

But this weekend I miss him. It's his birthday. I know he will be with her going on nights out - he's out all the time now. However we never went out. He claimed that lifestyle wasn't for him anymore. Now he's out every weekend apparently.

I don't snoop. He's blocked on my Facebook which is all I use. His new girlfriend has blocked me for whatever reason. I've never even met her so who knows why.

I just don't want to feel this forever. I have lost my anger. Now I just wonder if it's all my fault - I know it's not. I am just constantly crying.

We use a 3rd party for when he sees ds as I feel way too traumatised to see him. Social services have been involved, so have the police. I am still having individual therapy and working with my regional domestic abusive service.

I have also done the freedom programme which was amazing.

But right now, I'm so low. I won't text him - we don't even speak anymore.

He just hates me. I think my body is just waiting for him to come back and that will take the pain away. It's what usually happens. But not this time - I've filled for divorce.

It's just a huge trauma bond x

X

I am so sorry.

You are very aware which will serve you in the months and weeks to follow.

I am very sure that deep down he is not all that happy, that this is a front. But despite that, of course you will feel attached to the man you loved and had a family with.

You are doing so well, honestly, I think you are amazing for getting this far and being a single mum and proceeding with the divorce, which, may be extremely painful....but....will be your key to freedom.

You feel like this because you are healing, every cell in your body will be readjusting to your new life. You are detoxing. Withdrawing.

No doubt you have developed CPTSD. My advice would be to read around this because something in your childhood would have left you vulnerable to such a toxic man and you need to get that shit sorted. Check out Pete Walker: Surviving to thriving.

Look at how you can heal yourself rather than outsourcing your feelings to other people.

You got this!

So sorry you are feeling like this OP. It sounds like you have been through a lot and it's admirable that you are still standing and still fighting on.

Don't forget that divorce is like grief and there are stages to work through. You are in the thick of it at the moment and, although he was horrible to you, you still have some feelings for your abusive ex. This is understandable and normal.

Looking at it from the outside though, I can tell you that you are well rid of him. He was not worthy of you and you did not deserve someone like him.

Whenever you think about him and his new girlfriend, try to re-frame it in your mind and think about how she has picked up something you didn't want any more and have thrown away. She has picked up your rubbish.

You will get through this and you will move on and be stronger. You will work through this grief and one day soon you will see that your life is better without him in it. xx

Thank you both for these replies.

I went to the gp last week and he said I was showing signs of cptsd. Not much help available for it though - not immediately anyway.

I'm back to seeing my therapist every other week.

Other than that, I don't know what else I can do. I was really hoping I'd be feeling some what better by now but I just seem to be feeling worse and worse the more time that passes.

He was pressuring me to file for divorce so I did. It's now all in his hands and I've not heard anything from my solicitor in regard to him doing what he needs too.

I applied for cms before Christmas and I don't think he's responded to them yet either. Though I think he's going to add his new girlfriend's kids on to it so he pays me less - he really hates me and I don't know why.

Today is his birthday and I feel shit. I just hope there is light at the end of the tunnel where I feel lighter. Where I just won't care anymore.

I know it's a process. I've lost all motivation to do anything.

Can't even think about dating myself. I don't know how he could move on so fast. 2 days before they went public on social media, was messaging me to say he still looks at our photos, he misses us all and he can't believe it's over...2 days later he's all loved up for the world to see.

I just don't know what to think anymore

I also have truly felt for the last 3 months that I had no feelings for him. I have felt so angry at the way he treated me. I despised him.

But now I feel I am softening. And that scares me

Hi, you need to hang on to that anger on some level to get through this. Not bitterness but an anger which will drive you on and away from him.

Maybe write down a brief list of why you are better of without him and read that when you are wavering.

It feels really unfair that he should behave as he did then skip off into the sunset straight away with someone else.

But that relationship is fake and is just his inability to be alone and face up to the guilt he feels about his treatment of you. He is burying that and faking it for all it's worth. Poor woman who has taken him on.

Find a mantra and begin to repeat it to yourself e.g. "I am worth more. I deserve more".
I know how hard it is to move on from the hurt and the confused feelings of love for someone who treated you like dirt. It takes a lot of strength and it's not easy but you will get there step by step.
You are going to get therapy and work through this so you will come out a stronger person.
He neanwhile is hiding from himself and will no doubt keep making the same shitty mistakes.
You WILL get there and you DO deserve better than him. xx

Thank you for your advice.

I do have diaries and I've done the lists etc already. Probably a good time to read through it all and add to it.

I think I just have to sit in my feelings - I know it's ok to feel this way. His birthday definitely hasn't helped. I was agonising over whether to send him a text from my son or not. I have done as I think it's only right but I feel better for doing it. The co parenting is incredibly tough. As he will treat me like absolute dirt yet play the victim. He would 100% hold it against me for not getting in touch on his with ds. I don't want to entangle myself into any sort of mind games.

Then it's just coming to terms with the fact I have lost my person. He was a bad person but regardless he was my person.

How he can just jump into another relationship proved he never loved me at all.

He has 3 kids to 3 different women and he did the same with them also. I should have known. But he told me I was different and I believed him.

Well done for doing right by your son and messaging on his behalf. He might be a horrible partner but he is your son's dad.

I think having to co-parent with someone who hurt you is the toughest part of breaking up when you have kids. The common advice is to block someone when you split but with co-parenting that isn't possible.
But definitely only communicate about your child and never, ever look at any social media.

His moving on to.somdone new doesn't mean he didn't ever love you. It says more about him, his weakness and his inability to be alone.
He didn't love you enough though or in a healthy way.

Try to do something you enjoy today to distract you from thinking about it being his birthday. Xx

Happy birthday OP, even in these grave and miserable circumstances. I’ve been where you are. You matter, and I hope you and your child manage to have something nice today: a little cake from the shop. Xx

When will you feel better? That will be when you refocus on yourself. If you could see yourself when you were ten or so, full of dreams and expectations, you would be glad she was out of this however painful. Survey your strengths and what you’ve achieved since your last birthday: despite the addictive and powerful nature of men like this you’ve got free, you’ve filed for divorce, you’ve instructed a solicitor, you’ve got a therapist, all while being a mum. That’s amazing stuff, OP.

Thank you - it's not my birthday though - it's my ex husbands birthday 😂 we will go to the shop for cake though! Not to celebrate his birthday of course haha

Oh I see!!!!! Well I hope he falls flat on his face and that his birthday cake smells of wee.

Just a quick point on this -

She means a lot to me and I don't want to walk away from her - it's just so hard to see her knowing we are no longer family.

I had a similar situation with my stepmother, and I stayed close to her after she and my dad divorced. Hopefully you and your stepdaughter can also keep your close relationship. I absolutely still see her as my family.

So he'd rather pay money to support his girlfriend's kids than his own child in order to punish you? Vile man. Get angry OP.

I don't know for definite but it won't surprise me.

I am doing ok without it but that's not the point. He's also self employed so he can adjust his earnings make it less too. Not immediately but he can over time.

All of this is just to punish me. His new relationship included. He will 100% rush it. Won't surprise me if he has more kids or gets engaged and married again too.

When we went for a meal the other night, I put on a brave face. I was upbeat and happy. I cried constantly afterwards.

Everytime I see her we never ever talk about her dad. She did begin to tell me that he had really annoyed her...but then quickly changed the subject and said we didn't have to talk about him. She's also been introduced to the new girlfriend - I know this from what my son has said. She's 18 though so obviously much older and can make her own decisions. Her relationship with her dad has always been rocky. Her dad has ignored her for weeks on end before after they've argued. It's always been very turbulent. But the last few months since we separated for good, they have become closer.

She can't think that I'm the bad guy surely if she still wants to see me? Equally she's a massive people pleaser so I don't know if she's doing it just to make me happy.

I hope we can stay in touch, I've been in her life since she was 10. I've been there for her throughout and we really have had some very deep conversations before. I don't want to lose her but it's so hard to see her knowing we're not that type of family anymore.

😂 me too!