Mismatched sex drives

[nameForThis99]

Hello all, Im looking for some advice about how to handle mismatched sex drives. I’m a 54 year old man and have been seeing a 51 year old woman for a bit over 9 months now. The relationship is going really well, but her sex drive is quite a bit higher than mine and this has caused some tension between us, we don’t live together and see each other one or twice a week, her previous marriage was sexless for almost 10 years.

Currently we have sex almost every time we meet ( which is great), but there have a few times when I’ve been tired or not really in the mood & she has got quite upset and claimed that I don’t fancy or love her, just because I wasn’t in the mood at that particular time.

Just looking for some advice really as I realise that after a long sexless marriage she sees regular sex as very important to keep the relationship “spark” alive, but there a times I just want us to be together as a couple and enjoy our time with out having sex.

Do you cuddle at those times? My long term DP is 68, we have a very active love life but I have a lot of body-image insecurities and definitely find reassurance on the rare days we don’t make love in how tactile he still is with me.
I suggest you talk with her - have you said your last sentence to her? Talked about what long term love/coupledom means for you. The sex is the icing on top, the loving relationship is the actual cake and should be delicious not dry and crumbling. Also, an honest talk about male biology as it ages may be needed…less ejaculation definitely doesn’t mean the sex is less good or you find her less pleasing, she may still be learning this.

Communication is key, a frank conversation about what you are comfortable with and if that works for her.

Relationships with different sex drives are tricky and it is better to either agree a compromise before resentment builds up.

I think an open and honest conversation is needed. You shouldn’t feel pressured to have sex and she also shouldn’t feel lack of intimacy etc. There needs to be a compromise.

I also think the ability to initiate sex may be problematic i.e does sex only occur if you initiate it or does she feel able to? If you reject her every time she tries to and only have it on your terms it can be damaging.

Having a higher sex drive doesn’t always mean it needs to be sex that fulfils her need, I am tactile but appreciate general affection such as kissing, a reassuring hand on my arm etc or just a nice a cuddle just as much… it’s the closeness that’s important.