Defining relationship expectations

[hollyfrost]

I’ve been seeing a man for the past three months or so and it’s been wonderful, we have a great connection and he told me he really likes me etc.

Ive been nervous about bringing up the question of ‘what are we’ but felt I had to since we’ve been dating for some time now, slept together, act pretty much like we’re exclusive

Tbh I completely expected him to say he sees us an ‘official couple’ but I was very taken aback when he said he doesn’t feel like he knows me well enough to give us a label. he says he wants to see where this goes and honestly this was quite disappointing to me, I wasn’t asking for any big commitment just an admission that we’re an exclusive couple (which is surely all boyfriend/girlfriend means?) but he couldn’t even say that we’re in a relationship at all

now I’m wondering if my expectations are out of line? I do like this man a lot but I won’t be happy with a casual arrangement. I’m not sure where to go from here

I don't think you are out of line. 3 months is long enough to expect to be in an exclusive relationship, unless you had both agreed otherwise. I would make your expectations clear otherwise you will most likely find he is still open to dating others. And be prepared to end it if he just wants casual as that's not what you want.

Was just going to post by the PP has said exactly what I agree with.

If after 3 months he’s still
unsure and possibly on look out for others then I’d tell him if it’s not exclusive then it’s not for me.

We all have the right to put our cards on the table and say what our boundaries are. If someone doesn't match our standards and requirements then it’s not the right person.

In order for a relationship to progress, you do need to have the relationship defined, and the 3 month mark is a good time for that because although you can't know the person perfectly, you will have a good idea of whether they are worth continuing to see. Otherwise you only ever know the person as a date - you don't get to know who they are as a boyfriend/girlfriend and how they behave within an exclusive relationship.

He sounds like he isn't interested in the relationship progressing any further than casual, as both PPs have said,. If you aren't up for that, then it's time to bow out, as he was doubtless planning on having you around until he found 'something better/newer' and then he'd be all 'but we never said we were exclusive!'

Chuck him back. You're entitled to want what you want from a relationship just as he is. You want exclusive, he doesn't. He's still sleeping with other people from the sound of it. If you don't want that, then walk away.

There is a great You Tube Short I'll try to find!

Here it is - I love the end line!

https://youtube.com/shorts/T9vG1fyD9xE?si=kwtGDyx_r3o-Tvsb

I would be putting myself back out there, if you're not worthy of a 'label' then don't treat him like your bf and tbh it would be a deal breaker by 3 months, he should know you enough by now.

He's treating you as an option and will continue to do so. As adults we know when we like someone and 3 months is plenty of time.

This guy is playing games and the longer you remain an option for him, the more he will mess around with your mind and emotions. There are better and more emotionally intelligent men out there.

You’re 3 months in and sleeping together, it is perfectly reasonable to want to be exclusive (i.e. no more swiping, chatting, dating or sleeping with other people). If he has a problem with that, chuck him.

If he just has a problem with being called your boyfriend (i.e. being labelled one) but is happy to be exclusive, that is not necessarily an insurmountable issue. DP was like that for the first few months (it was a bit silly because he couldn’t figure out how to introduce me to friends without saying the word “girlfriend” 🙄) it was frustrating but he came around eventually.

There’s a difference between being exclusive while you see how things go vs being bf/gf though, so don’t over-invest in the relationship if he’s exclusive but not committing long-term.

He has boundaries that you need to respect if you're going to move forward with him.

Please don't be dismissive of what he's telling you..nor disrespectful to him.
A lot of people want to take their time and see where things go before giving out a "title". Not everyone rushes into a relationship with someone they barely know.

If he is being genuine.

You two aren't exclusive, so would he be in admission of a falsehood?

You are single...allegedly so is he..untill a discussion and mutual agreement happens.

Hanging out for 3 months isn't "some time now".
Stop doing whatever you are defining as "acting exclusive".

You cannot force someone to be with you.
If you don't like what he's telling you or feel like you're wasting your time , leave him alone permanently.

He has boundaries that you need to respect

What @Burntouted said, more or less. Thinking back to when I could be bothered with dating, I'd have felt massively railroaded by the "Are we A Couple?" conversation after only three months. I would be okay with an agreement to be exclusive, though - it's the implication of commitment that would spook me.

I guess everyone's different. Of course you should honour your own needs. It may be necessary to navigate his, as well.