Loneliness and being a full-time carer, lacking in physical connection

[Vertu]

Ok, this is a first for me, writting on message boards, etc. so please bear with me...

I had to give up my job last year as my wife has become unwell. I was basically working very long hours in my job and then working as a full-time carer/parent/house-husband at home, looking after my family, doing all the chores, cooking, shopping, cleaning, etc. I've always been the dependable type, looking after everyone in the family, putting my own needs on the shelf.. not being a hero, etc. just doing what needed/needs to be done, no matter the cost to myself or my health.

Since changing careers years ago, I have no social life, the hobbies I have are limited because I don't have the time to do them (or the energy). I used to have a large circle of friends, but since I stopped going out, drinking, etc. they have faded away. I used to love going out having a laugh, meeting new people and having a few drinks to relax and talking about everything and nothing.

When I got married I meant 'in sickness and in health' and while I love my wife, I feel lonely, particularly when it comes to physical affection. My wife is disabled and we don't have a sex life (haven't had any physical affection for years) and I just feel like a workhorse now. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife and daughter, and I don't regret any decision we've made together, but sometimes I just feel that I'm needed more than I'm wanted or desired. I've even thought about going to a massage parlour, just to feel pleasure again (if only to pretend that someone wants to, even if they're being paid to)

I not a bad guy, I've never been unfaithful to my wife, but I just want to feel again. I've tried talking to my wife about our lack of intimacy, however she feels terrible that we can't share that anymore, I tell her I love her and that it doesn't matter so not to hurt her feelings, but it does matter..

So stop lying and tell her that it does matter, and work out what you both want to do about it.

I wish it were that simple.. after a childhood of cult-like behaviour, my wife spent many years with her abusive ex, who physically, emotionally and financially abused her, so much so that her confidence was so shattered that for years after she finally escaped, she kept asking me if it was ok with me if she went out with friends, drank, had time for herself, have hobbies, go out with family, etc. its taken years of support, encouragement, patience, support groups, books and online courses and slow deprogramming for her to finally be free to be herself again. Since her physical health has taken a turn for the worse though, her confidence has diminished, replaced with pain management, which is obviously something that is difficult to work out. It's not an easy situation. If I didn't have a moral compass, etc. I'd hook up with an escort, etc. but that isn't me.