How do you know when to walk away?

Charliec12 · 2024-01-12T23:08:25+00:00

I am really confused in my marriage. I haven’t been happy in about 5 years now which has led to depression on and off as I feel I am fighting to stay in the relationship but I am not sure about it. The reason I have stayed is mostly because of our 2 children but also I know I won’t do better than my husband. I can’t bring myself to go. When I think of him walking away I struggle to think that this is ok. How did people who were in similar situations work out whether to stay or go? We have split up a few times but then I go back as I feel bad breaking up the family and I am just not sure if I am totally done. I met others but it transpires they just want one thing so I need to stay clear of that but when I meet others that spark is there which I have lost with my hubbie. Despite feeling depressed a lot I have stayed for 5 years but I feel I am coasting through life not knowing what to do. He knows I have been unhappy in the past but I have not told him for months how I really feel.

LumiB · 12/01/2024 23:12

Why not trying marriage coaching or counselling or maybe counselling for yourself to help sort out your feelings

Original poster

Charliec12 · 12/01/2024 23:19

I think some kind of counselling for myself might be a good idea.

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LumiB · 12/01/2024 23:22

Charliec12 · 12/01/2024 23:19

I think some kind of counselling for myself might be a good idea.

You say your not happy and so when I read your post it comes across like you don't know what you want anymore. Not sure but I think you have to be happy first so perhaps working on yourself through counselling or coaching will help then maybe when you are feeling happier and more clearer on things if you feel your marriage needs some help you can both go together

Original poster

Charliec12 · 13/01/2024 08:04

I am not happy as confused about my marriage. I have been for 5 years.

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Opentooffers · 13/01/2024 09:36

Tbh, there's not being happy, then splitting up and jumping into relationships with other men who want sex only (well yes, others who want more are not going to chose a newly split woman who is still married).
If a DH kept leaving his wife and DC's to have sex with others and then come back, I'm sure they would garner less sympathy. Does you DH know about the others?
What you need to do is leave him, and be on your own until divorced. It's the only way.

Allthewallsarewhite · 13/01/2024 11:50

I think counselling for yourself before making any final decisions would be wise. You recognise that you have a lot to lose by walking away so you need to be sure what is causing your unhappiness and whether your relationship can be saved. It's the unhappiness and depression something that comes from within yourself or is it due to particular things that are happening in your relationship. Could these things be solved by communication with your husband? Even if it doesn't seem like you can get the spark back now, sometimes it can be found when you get closer together again and start to let each other in and be kind. Even if it has been years.
By not speaking to him and opening up, you are probably left to ruminate on things by yourself and they can turn into unsurmountable mountains in your head. And he might feel that you've already checked out.
But sometimes when we walk away from a relationship and think that will resolve our depression, it turns out that it doesn't and can turn to regret when you realise there might have been more that could have been done.
In order to be able to do this however you need to know what it is that you need from him that could improve the situation and what could help you to let him back in. And work on your depression and find out where it comes from. Counselling will help with that. If there is still love for each other, even without a spark right now, you might find a way to work through this together and come out the other side.
Even if this doesn't work in the end and the relationship ends, then at least you know that you have tried everything and you'll be on your way to figuring out what makes you happy and be stronger in yourself.

Original poster

Charliec12 · 13/01/2024 12:50

Allthewallsarewhite · 13/01/2024 11:50

I think counselling for yourself before making any final decisions would be wise. You recognise that you have a lot to lose by walking away so you need to be sure what is causing your unhappiness and whether your relationship can be saved. It's the unhappiness and depression something that comes from within yourself or is it due to particular things that are happening in your relationship. Could these things be solved by communication with your husband? Even if it doesn't seem like you can get the spark back now, sometimes it can be found when you get closer together again and start to let each other in and be kind. Even if it has been years.
By not speaking to him and opening up, you are probably left to ruminate on things by yourself and they can turn into unsurmountable mountains in your head. And he might feel that you've already checked out.
But sometimes when we walk away from a relationship and think that will resolve our depression, it turns out that it doesn't and can turn to regret when you realise there might have been more that could have been done.
In order to be able to do this however you need to know what it is that you need from him that could improve the situation and what could help you to let him back in. And work on your depression and find out where it comes from. Counselling will help with that. If there is still love for each other, even without a spark right now, you might find a way to work through this together and come out the other side.
Even if this doesn't work in the end and the relationship ends, then at least you know that you have tried everything and you'll be on your way to figuring out what makes you happy and be stronger in yourself.

We have been together 22 years and the unhappiness comes from feeling like we have just become friend at times. I can lust after others and not him a lot which I know is dangerous and not the right approach. I think what you are describ

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Original poster

Charliec12 · 13/01/2024 12:52

Charliec12 · 13/01/2024 12:50

We have been together 22 years and the unhappiness comes from feeling like we have just become friend at times. I can lust after others and not him a lot which I know is dangerous and not the right approach. I think what you are describ

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Clicked post too soon :) What you are describing is correct I feel it is all on my shoulders. I don’t feel I can talk to him about it he dotes on me and will not have us not being together but we both need to be happy of course.

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Original poster

Charliec12 · 13/01/2024 12:54

Opentooffers · 13/01/2024 09:36

Tbh, there's not being happy, then splitting up and jumping into relationships with other men who want sex only (well yes, others who want more are not going to chose a newly split woman who is still married).
If a DH kept leaving his wife and DC's to have sex with others and then come back, I'm sure they would garner less sympathy. Does you DH know about the others?
What you need to do is leave him, and be on your own until divorced. It's the only way.

I am not constantly splitting up with him and having sex with others. I was single last year and that did happen. Me and hubbie then worked things out but I have not found my happy still. Yes he knows about the guy.

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