‘Best friend’

[BlueMumma2018]

So long story short my best friend who I have known for years has seen me once in a year and my daughter for 2 years who is her god child. She lived far away but has moved back nearer to us but then hasn’t seen us at all. She would cancel or leave me on read all the time. Now out of the blue she wants to meet up with me and my child and come to my house. I feel really hurt how she just removed us from her life as we were once so close. I have told her how I feel but then she kind of ignores it and says oh let’s meet up. I don’t really want my child to see her as I don’t know when she will next blank me for a year! She has asked me to meet up soon. I don’t know how to reply.. I know you should put boundaries in place but I have no idea, I feel like I’m being petty but it has really affected me losing her in my life multiple times with no explanation.. any ideas on what I should say or do?

I have a few questions.

Has anything changed which may have lead to the change in your contact? Have you seen her less since becoming a mum? Does she have any children of her own? Does she have a desire to have children which hasn't been fulfilled? Is she having trouble conceiving?

How have you communicated about seeing her less in the past? You say multiple times. Is this a recurring thing with her? Is it just her being distracted and impulsive and focussed on other things? Is there a carelessness involved?

I ask because my best friend and I have gone through similar things, the difference being that I never resented her over it.
I had a child when she was still single and partying a lot, so we didn't match that well for a while. Things went back to normal after she got married and had kids of her own.

@Hbosh yep, I said long story because there is a lot to it! She has been in multiple long term relationships over the time I’ve been in mine. She changes a lot when she gets into a relationship with someone and often ends up very wrapped up in them at first. I usually feel like I am the option when she gets bored of them or it’s going wrong. She will love bomb me like once a year, including my child which can be confusing as my child adores her. When we see eachother she will make more plans with me but then either ignore my messages or cancel. When I see her I always hope that she will be around more going forward and says that she wants to see me more. But then vanishes again. We are so close and have always been like sisters and I love her like one. Last time we spoke I said to her that I find it confusing and asked her if she still wanted to be friends because I sometimes wonder if she doesn’t. But she said that she really does and wants to make a new start etc then does the same thing. That was the last time we spoke and now she has out of the blue asked to take me out and then come to my (new) house. I have wondered if it’s just because she wants to see the house.. people have always said to me that she is jealous but I didn’t want to believe that.

She sounds like the kind of friend who should be a friend, not a best friend.
The kind of friend you can not see for months at a time, you move on with your life, and then have a good time catching up whenever she resurfaces.

If you feel like you can't do that and you want/need more of a commitment from her, then I don't think you're very compatible as friends and maybe you should just consider parting ways, because she'll always end up disappointing you.

@Hbosh so true. I think what I’m struggling with is that while we are acting as ‘just friends’ all of them time. She will then want to come to my house and see my child, she says she loves me and that I’m her best friend when I’m with her. I must add that I am never introduced to her partners and have been to her home twice in the last ten years. She has been to mine countless times and even invites herself to stay over while she’s there. It’s very uneven. I just can’t find the words to address it as it’s just weird? I can’t really say ‘can we be friends but you not come to my house anymore unless you’re going to invite me to yours’ lol

Why not? lol
Or just confront her when she start love-bombing you.
"Listen, it's nice of you to say this, but I'd rather you not make promises you don't intend to keep. I'm fine being just a friend you hang out with once a year. What I'm not okay with, is you telling me and my kid how crazy you are about us and how you want to spend all this time with us, and then not hearing from you for a year."

^^

This exactly. If you want mo re than she can give then walk away. You have a child and she's at a very different stage from you. It's hard to maintain friendships exactly the same as when you were younger. If you are true friends then it shouldn't matter if you don't see each other for months. Life gets in the way.