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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How long did it take/what's your best advice?

5 replies

mae2014 · 12/01/2024 13:42

Been with my partner 4/5 years, I'm 27 he's 31, moved country for him and given my absolute all. Constantly discarded, verbally abused, told all the time hoew stupid i am etc, started small and now he just ups the anti every single time. I recognise it as a trauma bond, but still find it so difficult.

Recent event: Went out for the last day of work at xmas (22nd dec) with all my colleagues/friends, came home to be dragged out of bed for him to see my phone, to him then going to sleep in his daughters bed ( SD aged 10) (she wasn't home thankfully) and locked my duvet in there with him so I had to use my coat as a cover for the night. Silent treatment then from 21st - 27th December whilst I was home in England with my family, for him to then promise the world on new years eve, loves me unconditionally, im so beautiful and perfect, he cant wait for this year with me, he's going to give me the world, to then be discarded again a few days ago because he 'doesn't have a spark for me'. (We went to a doctor a few months ago as he believed he had ADHD, after explaining, the doctor told him they think he actually has bipolar - of course nothing got done about it)

I'm absolutely mentally exhausted. I know i'm to blame for believing him when he does come back, but its just so hard. I feel like I'm living for each hour at the moment, he can make me feel on top of the world and then I feel absolutely floored

I know I have to walk. I just am finding it so hard. Please let me know what worked for you if you've ever been in the same kind've position. :(

OP posts:
Hbosh · 12/01/2024 13:47

Therapy.
Loads and loads of therapy. You're in too deep to get out alone.

mae2014 · 12/01/2024 14:01

Ive my second session booked for tomorrow morning :(

OP posts:
Hbosh · 12/01/2024 14:04

mae2014 · 12/01/2024 14:01

Ive my second session booked for tomorrow morning :(

Good for you! I'm proud of you.
I was once where you were and it took an escalation to physical violence to give me a wake-up-call. I snapped out of it then and feel very grateful that I did.

You'll get there. You just need to be kind to yourself, even be kind that you're not ready to leave just yet. You will be, soon.

FetchezLaVache · 12/01/2024 14:06

To answer your question, he was nowhere near as bad as this horrible man, but he once swore at me repeatedly in front of our 2yo and that was it for me.

Have you confided in anyone in real life about what he's like? Practically, would you stay in his country or return to the UK if you left him? We could help you make a plan...

mae2014 · 12/01/2024 14:14

Luckily my dad lives in the country too (its in GB, just need a flight to get there and get back) so I stayed there last night.

He (exDP/DP?!) text me to tell me yesterday I could 'stay at the house for as long as i need to sort myself out', but im thinking he only said this to make himself feel like some sort of hero as he knows he's kicked me out another 20 times previous and it didn't make him look good, i then obviously got penalised for making him 'look bad' and telling my family our 'business'.

Had my mum/sister on the phone this morning demanding I go home to heal and get rid of him because they cant stand to see me this weak anymore, but all my friends and my job is here. Luckily I can work from home for a while if I need to - but still torn with what to do.

Just hate this so much :(

OP posts:
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