Recent left DV, really struggling

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I posted on here almost 2 years ago under a different username, setting out the what was happening at home and in my relationship. Some lovely MN posters confirmed that it was abusive, and one in particular stood out as they said it was one of the most horrific abuse stories they had read. I was shocked at this, as it was at the time my "normal". It took me too long to leave after this point, but it was such an important turning point for my thinking. I am forever grateful for MN for this.

Today, H no longer has unsupervised access to the children and this is running through a long court process.

I thought I would feel so happy and free. I had so many plans. This isn't a negative, I don't feel scared anymore and my children and I are safe. I thank myself everyday that I am no longer in that situation. However, I feel terrible. I am so tired and sleepy, I cry regularly. It is taking me such a long time to process and operate - simple things such as grocery shopping, or more complex decision making at work.

The paperwork and administration of divorce and the court case is overwhelming. The emotional impact of every letter and email completely absorbs my head for days.

Financially I'm eating into savings, as my outgoings are greater than my earnings. I earn a good wage, but childcare, mortgage, utilities, council tax, and court-instructed payments are more than income. Until the financial settlement is made I am stuck in a super expensive house.

My youngest doesn't really understand, unlike my older children who were exposed to the abuse directly (something I will forever feel guilty for). They are grieving, crying, up in the night, unsettled. It means I don't get a quiet evening to recover and address the admin/solicitor letters and the increasing list of home DIY. All my children have needed more support. I feel drained, and then guilty that I feel drained.

I have a small family, but no friends. It all just dropped over time as it was too difficult with H. Some days I don't have any adult conversation, I feel very alone. I have an online freedom program starting soon, but it cuts across children's bedtime so will be missing the beginning of each session. Do you think it will still be worth it?

I don't know why I'm writing this. You were so supportive two years ago. I just needed to tell someone.

It sounds very tough, sympathies, but when the tough part finishes you will at least be relieved. It's ok to grieve too, as in tragic lives, as even bad relationships had some good times.
Take care and try not to get depressively stuck doing it alone, reach out to friends or family.

Have you approached your local women’s aid service. I’m currently getting support through attending either outreach groups or courses they run in person I find them really helpful. When I’m feeling low I remind myself that’s it not long until the next session as I find more resilience from speaking to the other women who attend that have gone through similar.

I’m trying to get the courage to leave and preparing myself for the fall out mentally.

Your question ‘Do you think it will still be worth it?”

In respect of attending the courses most definitely - are your children old enough to occupy themselves and have a later bedtime? You can access the freedom programs material online without attending the course so if you miss something you can read about it later.

Womens aid run different courses that I have attended that I’ve found really helpful in building myself back up and all the women I have met through the courses that are at different stages of their journey have said how much they have helped them.

From what I understand the tiredness is a natural response to you being in survival mode for so long - your body just needs to reset itself so take your time and rest when you can. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself make sure you give yourself the consideration you would give a friend going through what you have.