Relationship must come second

[Risway]

Hi all, I've been with my partner for 7 years, since my son was 13. We moved in together a year ago once my son was more independent, out of education etc, and the move was to a place convenient for all 3 of our lives.

It's becoming more and more apparent that my partner is looking forward to the day my son moves out. He and my son get on well but he's not enjoying "family life". My partner has no kids and neither had any of the women he was previously in relationships with, never married. My son now 20 works full time in a solid job and is saving to pay for expensive professional training to achieve his ambition. I don't take rent from him for this reason and I cover both mine and his share of bills (this doesn't impact my partner financially in any way). My son is smart, funny, popular absolutely no trouble at all, aside from not being quick to bring down glasses from his room etc. My partner feels I do too much for my son, I am someone who likes to look after everyone but I do no more for my son than I do for my partner aside from financial support. Recently my son had a big car repair bill, my mum passed away 2 months ago and I'd received my share of the cash she had in her bank account. If my mum and dad were alive I know 100% they would have helped my son with his car bill, so I used some of the money to pay it. My partner knew I was going to help him but said "don't be paying it all, he needs to learn". To be clear, this isn't joint money. My son is financially very savvy and already has a good savings pot for his training which he's gained from weekend and after school jobs, then his work from leaving school. If he frittered his money away I'd see things differently. But he's a hard worker.

His wonderful girlfriend currently in last year of her degree stays over maybe 2/3 nights a week, sometimes less, sometimes more. I will occasionally cook for them, pick up treats or drinks I know they like but mostly they sort themselves out, buying food and cooking. He stays at hers too. My partner, whilst really liking her has said he wants to limit how often she stays over as it feels like there's a stranger in the house and he can't relax. I'm not criticising him for this, it's how he feels but it's at odds with how I feel - I've always had an open house approach and want my son to feel comfortable.

Our conversations around this have hinted at future problems. If my son left home but ever needed to move back, I'd have him back in a heartbeat. I wouldn't necessarily make future housing decisions based on the fact he might need to return but if he did and I had the space, he'd be welcomed. That to me is what any decent parent would do. I know my partner feels differently.

I can't expect my partner to feel the same way I do over my son so I think we need to part ways. My partner feels its unwillingness to compromise on my part. I usually over compromise in life but my relationship with my son is not for comprise. I know I will feel increasingly pressured over this, and my partner is entitled to feel comfortable in his own home. But my relationship with my son trumps mine with my partner. We simply don't have the history.

Is my approach unreasonable?

Thank you

You both don't seem very invested in each other.
Nobody will be able to tell you whether you should end a relationship or not. It's a personal decision and one you don't need to justify to anyone.

I think you're right re not being overly invested. I think we're probably together because whilst we care for each other and have good times together, it's really just it's someone to be with. I had an abusive marriage and so looked for simple and easy.

I think you’re looking for problems that aren’t there .
your son is an adult - your partner doesn’t need to do family time with him .
you are three adults sharing a house .
your partner will never treat him as a child as he isn’t one . He hasn’t had his own kids so you can’t expect him to understand how you put your son first . But that alone doesn’t make him a bad boyfriend !

It sounds as though your partner is jealous of your son. You’re absolutely right to put your relationship with your son first. However, your son will soon have his own life and may not need you much. How would you feel being on your own without your partner?

With your update OP honestly it’s much better to be comfortable single than with a man just for someone to be with.

He's not a bad boyfriend but the tensions caused by me putting my son first and him not understanding why (and I get why he doesn't) I think mean we're incompatible.

I'm definitely not looking for family time, my son is way too old for that, but we're not just 3 random adults sharing a house, we're a mother, son and man not related by blood. He's pressuring me to be a different kind of parent, one that don't want to be, possibly because that's how parenting was modelled for him.

I had that exact thought re the jealousy.

My son will fly the nest but I'll always be his mum. I'll always have his back, as my parents did for my sister and me. And that's where I foresee further issues. If he can't understand that when my son is still only 30, he definitely won't understand it later on.

Also a red flag I've glossed over I think. We're 50/50 tenants in common on our home. The solicitor raised the need to make a will each. My half will go to my son with partner having life interest to remain subject to the usual caveats etc. When I said this my partner was a bit taken aback. He said, what if my son has a house and well paid job when I die? I said how would he feel if his parents didn't bequeath him his inheritance on the basis he has a house and job? Circumstances may change but right now my son is 20 and working hard to establish himself.

That last post should say 20 not 30

I agree. I have a good job, fabulous circle of friends. I'm a different person now to the one looking for a relationship nearly 8 years ago.

It sounds like you already know what you want to do and like you said you’re a different person than you were 8 years ago. If your unhappy with your partner and feel life will be less stressful without him then do it, life is too short

OP, I understand your feelings! You're not wrong to be thinking about this.
It's not about making your boyfriend out to be a bad boyfriend. He isn't. You just have different values and ideals. You may not be compatible

If you're the kind of mother who wants an open house were your child always feels welcome at whatever age, then you need to have a partner who not only 'tolerates' this, but actively agrees with you and would do the same if he had children.
I grew up knowing I'd always have a home with my mother. Still do, even though I'm not married with children. I even remember being younger and having broken up with a boyfriend after a fight in the middle of the night. I called my mom and her boyfriend (I was 19 when they met) was the one who drove out to help me pack a suitcase and take me home. He also told me to stay however long I wanted.
If these are your values, you need someone who is as passionate about this as you are. Your boyfriend just doesn't seem like the right fit.

Thank you, I think that's exactly it.

I grew up with very loving parents who always welcomed a houseful, even though their house was small and they didn't have alot of spare money. My childhood friends always remember my parents fondly for this, especially a friend with an unhappy home-life, who was welcomed like a daughter. That was the example set for me. I lost both parents in the last 14 months so I think more than ever I'm determined to value every second I get with my son.

I'm with you OP. Your son will always be your son. In my experience it's perfectly normal to help young adult children with living expenses if you can afford to. Especially if you see they are working hard and doing their best to save money / treat it sensibly.

My parents didn't charge me rent for those reasons. We didn't charge our DCs before they left home either. We didn't need to make money from them, and we wanted them to have the best possible start in life.

It's none of your bf's business what you do with your own money anyway.

But he sounds jealous. Which is immature and deeply unattractive (and unlikely to go away).

Thank you for sharing your post. It’s helped me a lot before I make a big decision. I’d like to say - a man with his own children is not necessarily more understanding. My partner has no limit to what he will do for his children - that’s his business - I don’t comment - but the moment he hears I’ve helped my children he is jealous and makes negative comments and I do remind him -
that I don’t comment on his parenting his own children!

It is simply not my business what he does for his children however he does not give me the same courtesy. He’s very jealous and spiteful. So he will be spending his life alone.

We have a nice time together but I’m not comfortable with his comments and
attitude towards my children. I’m very polite and extremely kind about his children - even when they are blatantly rude to me in front of him.

His children don’t respect him or say thank you to their own grandparents for
Christmas gifts - there’s no way they would be respectful towards me or any partner he has in the future.

Life is too short to live with someone who is jealous and has no compassion.
I know I’m happier alone - and life is a lot simpler. Don’t let this man destroy
your family.