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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cant understand

2 replies

clitterratti · 11/01/2024 20:36

Married for 17 years.

Two kids, DC1 is 15 and has asd. DC2 is 9; no sen.

A couple years back, my husband and I started a company that eventually became 'successful' ego and new confidence influenced my husband to force me to leave our company. It's painful. It's been over a year and it's been hell.

Over this past year, he has begun to walk out on us as a family whenever he felt like I was being rude. I wasn't. He just didn't believe he was the one changing.

Two months ago; we had our longest separation. Almost two full months. It was his decision. I wasn't devastated. I just wanted him to either dissolve the marriage or figure out what was wrong if he still loved us as a family, and me as his wife....

I haven't decided if I want to stay or not; I just feel that a marriage of 17+ years and a relationship of 21 years will need far more consideration before I decide on what I want to do.

He wants to stay married. We still fuck.

But when he goes away for work, he has no problem calling me. He just never calls the kids. Or calls when I'm with the kids.

Although he does have adhd and Asperger's; he's proven for two decades that he does love us and can be communicative and functional.

Our children are not happy with him. Telling him doesn't seem to matter. He'll call me though. Ugh. What's wrong with him?

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 11/01/2024 20:39

I’m reading this thinking “why would she bother??” What’s the point of sitting waiting and being treated so poorly? It wouldn’t be good enough for me. And it can’t be great for the children!

clitterratti · 11/01/2024 21:30

I'm not totally sure why I'm sticking around. I want to say that it's because for 20+ years he was an amazing lover, partner and friend. The way we still laugh together is amazing.

He wasn't capable of accepting he needed mental health help until very recently; and now that he has learned this; he is making sure to attend all therapy appointments. I'm not sure if this is enough or not.

He forgot to buy the kids Christmas presents, but remembered to get one for me.

I contemplated my own mental health; I've been seeing therapists and working on myself.

I think I'm still here because I love him and feel like his behaviour is more of a personality disorder due to the stress and 'glamour' he has never experienced before.

Our experiences with long term poverty has placed us in the zone of fearing 'this may end any moment' and I think this is a burden he doesn't want to admit.

I keep telling him, money comes and goes. It's never been about the money, it will never be about the money.

We are both from backgrounds that have never experienced 'breaking even' every month.

I am occupied with my own career and making sure I am independent from him. This has been something I have been focusing on.

The kids feel that since he's only been 'different' for a year; he may come back to being the man he was before 2022. The last time we let him come back home; the children (I did not influence them) explained to him that they'll write off the past year if he can learn to be better than he was before.

It took me a few weeks after he returned to have a similar conversation. But he only seems focussed on me and not our children.

He does say he loves us all the time. I just don't feel it. I don't know how I feel about him. I would love to stay married to him if this is a temporary state of mind, and if I can find enough love to stay.

Everyone else just sees us as a 'happy family'. I just don't feel it, and neither does our older child.

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