Is it me

[Worrieddad1237]

Hi

I fully understand if I am wrong or if this is the wrong place but I'm just fed up. My partner is a full time stay at home mum and I work full time. I try and do as much round the house and with the kids like bathing, lunches, cleaning etc as well as putting our 5 year old son but admit she does the lions share. Am I being unreasonable to want a little time to myself. Both of us just feel in a rut and I feel like the relationship just isn't there anymore. I just dunno if I should be doing more. Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks

You should both be entitled to some time to yourself.

Surely with one child that isn't too hard to achieve? - one person has some quality time doing something they enjoy while the other one cares for the child and vice versa.
Then occasionally use some form of childcare to have some time out together.

You should both be able to have time to yourselves. Can you explain a bit more about what you’re finding hard? Have you spoken with your wife about how she’s feeling and what you can both do to improve things?

It should be even. So all the time you're working, she is working too.

Evenings, if you want a couple of hours in the gym, that means you take responsibility for the dcs the following night while your wife has a couple of hours out.

And you could arrange for a babysitter once a week so the two of you can go out and re-connect. Buy her some flowers, find the time to chat.

Hi sorry we have 2 children but I get what your saying.

Just trying to balance everything and it just feels like neither of us have any time. Sadly childcare is not an option as the youngest is breastfeeding still. Hence the work situation as well.

Just balancing everything is hard and I've tried but it goes no where.

Do you commute to work and have a lunch hour?

I'm field based so partly work from home and on the road in different locations daily

Do you feel annoyed that you don't get downtime or that neither of you get downtime? Reading between the lines it sounds like you feel she has it much more downtime than you?

How old is the second one? Its always harder when there's a baby and with a age gap there's a lot of divide and conquer which makes day to day easier but really limits alone time.

I guess I'm annoyed that we both don't seem to get time together or that if I'm sitting down I should be doing x,y,or z but if she is I make her a drink usually. First one is 5 on Saturday second is 16 months x

Does 16 month old have an evening routine?

You do need to both prioritise make some time for your relationship. Eating together without the DC sometime.

Playing a board game or watching a TV properly "together".

You’re in the thick of it at the moment. It will get easier. Maybe go out for an hour one weekend morning and sit and drink coffee, then make sure you cover her too so she has some time - whether that’s a bath or a walk or time with a friend.

So you want time together - cN you make thay happen. Suggest a night out, book a babysitter etc? Or do you mean sex?

You obviously feel that if you sit down she's giving you a hard time but that she gets to sit down? So that's possibly a communication issue.

Babysitter is hard as youngest is still breastfeeding. Honestly sex would be nice but it's not the main thing.

The main thing is if I try and communicate I get told that I need to do more.

Thank you. It really is the thick of it.

Sadly no he doesn't

I do try to but it's not happening.

Are you both on board to create an evening routine?

It won't happen if your DW isn't on board. Does she want her evenings back or is she happy to be immersed in motherhood 24/7?

I think she would like an evening routine but currently he still co sleeps .

It's all a balance, plus what works for you as a couple. I also understand that some SAHP find everything more overwhelming than others. In my opinion, the SAHP does the lions share of running the household, I.e., housework, childcare, etc when the other parent is at work, as they will inevitably get time to themselves when kids at school, asleep etc. However at weekends it's shared.

It's important for you both to get time to yourselves, so you need to discuss this and come to an agreement on how you both achieve this.

She wants you to "do more" but has she said what specifically she means?

That can be an opening gambit though?

"Right DW, I know you feel overwhelmed and like I don't do enough and I am also feeling overwhelmed so let's figure this out together?"

For us at similar age with similar age gaps, time together was not always practical. So we focused on giving each other a break at times, desperately needed by both of us.

I don't think you are really saying what the actual problem is.
It sounds like there is resentment on your part but it's not clear what you are resentful of.
Do you think she should be at work? Is she too controlling around the kids?
Or do you think you shouldn't be asked to pitch in as much because you work full time?
Or are you feeling pushed out and lacking in physical affection/a sex life?
What's the real story here?

So you are too tired to negotiate separate time out alone doing your own thing, I can get that, it's difficult to quantify unless you have very strict timetables and itineries, which usually always end up changing as you're too tired sometimes to put them to practice. This causes arguments for the parent whose too knackered to even go out.

It's the hardest time physically if you have two under fives or more but it won't last.

But I would say the more you negotiate the free time away from the children to be spent inviting your wife with you will pay off in future times for your marriage.
Don't minimise how hard this is for a woman, the pregnancy, the birth, the recovery, the childcare.

Women deserve a medal, help her.

I agree with @Jonisaysitbest it feels like you maybe has other stuff going on personally or professionally and you miss talking to your partner or having that partner but you're in a real ebb stage of marriage/parenthood right now. It feels like forever but it's going to be done so soon.

You sound ace. You're helping. You're trying. You're reasonable about what's realistic but it sounds like you get shut down if you approach it and jeesh that you approach it at all is 🤯

So, honestly it could just be that having a 16 month old that co-sleeps (but presumably wakes your partner up repeatedly so she's exhausted) and breastfeeds (so also sore and physically drained) is grating for everyone involved.

I know this is a bit out there but if you have a female relative or a friend of either sex you trust I'd almost be inclined to ask for a hug. Like a really good 'i love the bones of you hug and it's just a hug' hug. It sounds like you aren't getting enough physical attention, not just sex but proper comfort and physical acknowledgement that she appreciates your company and your wife is probably the opposite end right now just completely covered in kids all the time and literally can't think about touching anyone else. It's going to end so soon and if you're able to just get a hug or two (and the serotonin boost from them) and cope a while longer and keep upbeat I sincerely hope you'll find a way back to one another. The more distance you perceive the further you drift in my experience and different communication styles, reactivity levels and need for touch can really drive a wedge during moments that are so fleeting in retrospect (as someone who is currently divorcing a man I adore but I can't remove all the wedges on my own). Obvs I would also recommend getting therapy if you have time.

Massive hugs (genuinely) to you. I'm sure it will pass and in the meantime you're both really doing your best whether you can see each other as the minute or not.

Yes, I think @Jonisaysitbest is right too. You're at the worst bit now.
Your 16 month old will soon end breast feeding and your 5yo will be tired from school, so easier to get to bed. At two you will get some help with childcare costs for the younger one, lifting some of the financial pressure and allowing your dw to work part time.

An occasional babysitter will be possible. You'll be able to tag-team and each have a few hours out by yourself.

You're nearly there. Start planning what you will do with summer evenings. 🙂