Not entitled to grieve?

[Schlerp]

This reads like a bad romance novel for teens. …

My first love died almost 20years ago. We weren’t together when he died. We were in our late teens 17&19 when we were ‘in love’ and it was a very innocent love - we were together for just under 2 years. I made the decision we shouldn’t be together for reasons that probably felt important at the time but I honestly don’t remember why.

He told me years later I broke his heart and I never really got over hurting him like that but like any other teenage boy he moved on relatively quickly. We remained friends for a while and dated others. I moved away had a happy time with relationships and life and kids and he married and had a son, they divorced and he struggled with life afterwards, then he died.

Today would have been a milestone birthday for him. We used to say if neither of us were married when he turned this age then we would get married on this birthday.

While my heart goes out to his ex-wife and their son whose loss is far greater than mine, I can’t help but feel sadness at him not being here to honour our silly teenage pact, or at least laugh about it. I feel like I’m not entitled to sadness today but I’m sad anyway.

I love my partner and kids, and every other day of the year for the past 20years including the anniversaries of his death has never hit me like this.

I know we would never have been getting married today as we both moved on and grew up but I’d loved to have been able to talk to him and laugh about it and reminisce about our teenage years. He was such a huge part of that.

I’m just so bloody sad today and feel
silly and can’t really explain why to people as they’ll think I’m mad. So I’m posting about it here to strangers.

Today I miss my first love on my make believe wedding day. It’s as ridiculous as it sounds.

I hear you.

I hear you too, you miss your friend and feel sad his life was cut short. You are entitled to grieve

In sorry I have to laugh at your username and. The topic. He would have loved that! 😂😂

You're entitled to grieve one of your peers you grew up with. I presume it was a shock and an untimely death .

It's also OK to be sad for what could have been , had things been different. Sometimes we grieve potential , if that makes sense.

I’m glad it gave you a laugh 😆 I did think when I was typing that my username probably wasn’t the best 😂

This post made me cry 😢 Im so sorry for your loss 😔

Of course you’re allowed to grieve for him. He was someone you cared deeply about once

You are grieving the death of innocence. Of past love. Of your childhood dreams. Grieve.

I wouldn’t call it grieving, tbh, but of course it’s natural for you to feel sad about his death.

Love is a funny thing. It's the feeling of knowing you won't run into him again.

I tried for years to contact my grandmother with a oujia board, just to tell her about the things I'd done that she always wish she had. She never responded.

Then, when I had a loss; I got a puppy, (she's now 4) but my dog lays down and laughs whenever I do something my granny would have appreciated.

I'm not saying get a dog; I'm saying find a way to connect with the poignancy of the feelings you shared. The bitterness may float away, and laughter may become a bit more meaningful.

Maybe it's the discount gin I'm drinking.

What exactly is grieving if not feeling extremely sad about the death of someone you loved?

what would you call it?

I’m sorry! 😢

@Schlerp
I have a similar situation with my first love. He died in tragic circumstances and although I had seen him in 40 years it hit me hard, and I think of him every day.

My friends don’t really understand because I have a DH that I love very much. But this man was my first love and a significant part of who I am now.

I understand exactly how you feel and am sending you hugs (if you want them).

Of course it’s grieving. And you have every right to grieve. That ache of lost love and youth and the inaccessibility of the poignant past is real. Some people become part of our emotional dna and their loss is felt even if we haven’t seen them for years.

Thank you for the hugs and I’m Sorry you understand the feeling too. It’s really hard to explain to people who don’t get it. I love my life and my partner but I feel my first love was cheated out of his and I feel sad and guilty about that. I have gone through the ridiculous what if phases that rational me knows is crap, what if we had got back together would he have died? I know that’s not how it works but my brain can’t help it sometimes (not often).

We had spoken not long before he died, maybe six months and we both said that we would always have love for each other. It was very sweet and safe feeling. I have no doubt of his feelings towards me and I don’t doubt how mine were for him. If I had known it would be the last time we’d speak I wonder if I’d have said or done anything differently. He never told me he was ill. I met my partner a few years after he died which maybe made the blow easier or maybe it’s just prolonged the grief to be released at odd unsuspecting moments.

In this specific context I’d call it feeling sad.

So what is your criteria to qualify for grief?

It’s grief. You are grieving for the life u never had, for the loss of someone who touched your soul and for the friend who left us too early, before they had lived a full life.

it is what makes our human connections so real, and beautiful, the fact we are so missed after we are gone.