DV , I need to leave but how do you stop the love

[netolie]

I'm currently recovering from an episode of DV. It's not the first time it's happened and I know it has to be the last.
But god how do I get over the love I think I feel for him still. It's always been a toxic but passionate marriage . I don't know if I'm strong enough to cut ties even though I know for sure this time I need to .
Other people's stories would be so helpful, Thankyou

You have to come to the realisation that you can't continue like this and remind yourself of how you feel when it's bad. I was in a 10 yr relationship that became abusive within a few months and ended it numerous times but always went back as I really did love him. For me, I had children to protect and seeing the stress they went through when they witnessed stuff, helped keep me motivated to not go back and eventually the feelings reduced and I was able to move on and rebuild my life.

I don't usually like responding to these beacuse I strongly believe in women supporting women.and I've never been there so it's so much easier for me to say leave him.

What I will say is he put you in hospital there are no good times with this man.he has caused you physical pain, emotional pain and psychological pain.you are worth so much more and deserve so much better.

Please listen to the words of the ladies here so many have been through it,many want to help you from their heart and I'm sure they will help and support you as much as possible.

You are someone who put your trust in to be loved and cared for not to be someone's punchbag,not to be abused and called names,no person deserves this.

Such a heartbreaking thread this good luck and I hope you find the courage and strength and I wish you a happy life, getting the love, support and kindness you deserve good luck 🥲

You 100% can do this!
I'm just over 2 years out of leaving my ex husband due to DV. I didn't leave him because I didn't love him. I left because he didn't love me back...somebody who abuses you does not love you.
The best piece of advice I can give you is to leave with support from a domestic abuse charity.
When I left I knew I would go back so the first thing I did was reach out to Women's Aid who I found absolutely useless. I then googled DA charities in my area and called one and then went in to speak to a worker. I'll be honest, at that point I still planned on going back eventually.
I then started the Freedom Programme with the charity. During the first few sessions I'd listen to the other women and see myself and my ex husband as 'different' from them. As the weeks went on and I completed more sessions, I began to understand how the cycle of abuse works. This helped me to see that those 'highs' were not real. They were actually a big part of the abuse and were underpinning the trauma bond I had with my husband. You have to do the work (freedom program, counselling etc) in order to undo this bond.
I'm going to be honest and say that the last two years have not been easy but my God I'm so glad I left. I loved my ex husband with all of my heart, I thought I couldn't survive without him but it turns out I can, and so can you, I promise you that!
There's a better life waiting for you, you just have to take the first step of reaching out for support.

But the good times are so good, but his temper has always been bad, but this time has been the worse. I had to stay in hospital

This is so horrific @netolie. He put you in hospital. He hurt you so badly you had to be admitted to hospital… I am so shocked to read that.

That’s not love. That’s not passion. That’s pure and simple violence. Next time he might kill you.

@Malibu12 hope you don’t mind my replying to your post which resonated with me on many levels
I. also found WA debatable in terms of usefulness. My local DA organisation when I went home to my childhood home - pregnant with two young children in tow - was absolutely amazing
I’m a few years down the line from you and there are still days when it’s so hard. But I am supporting us on my own the whole time with a great job and a lovely home. Whenever I feel a bit down and fucked off I just cast my mind back to those days of terror and confusion: it’s all I need to know that I have saved us.
wish you and your children the best

This is a great book to help you understand the dynamic. There were so many lightbulb moments for me when I read it. I’m remarried to a lovely man. Two years next month … there is a better life for you than this.
How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser
https://amzn.eu/d/gPJHsHO

The only way to get over the love is to get the hell away and stay away. It's really really hard! But it does 100% work.

I was so deeply in love with my ex (god knows why, he never deserved it!) and it's taken me years to get over him - and I'm so glad I did.

I cannot see now what I saw in him then, it's like I was hypnotised or under a spell. The reality of him is so far away from what I felt about him.

Sorry to read that you ended up in hospital. What advice would you give to someone else in the same situation?

If it were me, l would be thinking- l got out alive and may not the next time. Get some therapy to talk through your feelings. On any level, domestic violence is not excusable or acceptable. You deserve better. He's a piece of worthless shit and certainly does not feel the love for youthat you have for him otherwise, he would not hurt you.

One day he will kill you, so get out now, real love doesn’t hurt OP, it lifts you up and nourishes you. I wish you all the best xxx

You seek therapy. This is mot love op and you need help to reframe this. Sending you all the virtual love and support I can muster x

I treated it like coming off a drug, I was obsessed with someone who was abusive and I literally went cold turkey, no contact at all, it physically hurt, I was withdrawing from something hugely toxic but I knew it was the only way to start healing, any contact and I would have been back to square one, you CAN do it and you must because you’re in a hugely dangerous situation and when we detach from that and become well we realise how sick the relationship was.

Thankyou all for the replies .
They are helping me more than I thought they would . I am definitely going to leave . Physically it's impossible right now, in a few weeks I should be able to.
So I'm keeping the peace at the moment.
I've left a few times in the past but always come back.
A post further up has helped me, telling my family will mean I won't go back this time. They'd be horrified about what Ive kept from them .
Thankyou all again. I'll keep coming back to this post .

Love will fade and disappear with the time. Your wellbeing and safety has to be intact at all the times.

Good luck OP. One of the ways to break the current dynamic is to start opening up to your family and (trusted) friends and perhaps a local support group. This will help you realise you're not on your own and also to stop buying into his excuses as well.
By hiding what's going on behind closed doors from those who love you, you give him more power over you, and you are helping him maintain his facade to your own detriment.
But be careful, he's proven he's extremely violent, so make sure you are safe first and foremost. I hope you get the support you need and break free from him soon.

It is not love
Tell yourself that
Go to therapy

I left him yesterday. he keeps messaging me to go back . I can't block him yet cos we've got paperwork etc to sort out . I need to follow this through but god it's hard

You can do it OP, well done for making the first step, of course he wants you back, who else would give him that sick sense of control and power. Move on and never look back xx

It's not "love" OP, it's an unhealthy passion, that's become an unhealthy habit.
Do tell friends and family their support will make the split much easier for you.

Could someone else act as a go between?

I read it takes in average 7 attempts for a woman to leave an abusive man (many probably have kids with them though, which makes it harder).
So it's fairly normal that you've taken a few times.

If he's put you in hospital, this behaviour is presumably escalating though; so it's extremely high risk to go back.

Re the "love" - is it love or is it a trauma bond? Is it a dopamine etc addiction to the "highs" (note that the highs only seem high because lows are so bad).

There are a lot of chemical processes going on on your brain in relationships, especially a relationship like this. The oxytocin alone, which affects women much more than men, is a major factor

The only thing that halts those is no contact, distance and time.

You could also do with some counselling.

Some new, absorbing hobbies and activities would also help. I remember going through a very stressful episode with my sister and her then husband and I defaulted to thinking and dressing about it continuously; until I went on a sports type course for my birthday. It required learning a new skill, was very demanding and tricky and a little bit scary; and I did not think about the episode once in a week.

Sometimes you have to break patterns of thinking.
New people, places, learning new skills, doing new things really help with that.

You're in a very vulnerable time right now where he could easily manipulate you into going back. You mentioned you haven't told your family? Could you do that and maybe ask one of them to be the point of contact for essential paperwork type things?

You need time away from it, talking to people on the outside who will help you to see how awful this really is. As others have said, it feels like love but really it's addiction. A good support system and wise voices around you can help point you to a life that is way, way better than one that lands you in hospital.

On the general subject of love;

Love in a romantic, partnership relationship is reciprocal.

Both people love each other and act accordingly.

He's physically hurting and damaging you - do you do that someone you love?

He may think he loves you ..... But he doesnt. His actions don't match his words.

The reality is that he can't truly love anyone.
His "love" isn't healthy, it isn't real, he's not well adjusted enough to really love someone.
His "love" is not worth having.

Some people are like that - quite a few people - they use the word love but they truly aren't capable of loving someone.

They don't want to be on their own though, so the bullshit narrative, which they really convince themselves of, about why they act how they do, is born (and tweaked and expanded and varied and manipulated as necessary, ongoing).

Have you ever done a Claire's law on him?

This behaviour is rarely isolated.

Even if it appears so, many many women don't report incidents of DV - for various understandable reasons.

he keeps messaging me to go back

If your "fights" (they're not fights) left your ex partner in hospital and presumably landed you with a police involvement, a record etc.; would you not come to the conclusion it was best to separate? The very fact he's trying to continue the relationship and is hassling someone he's seriously hurt to get back involved,; shows how unstable and poorly adjusted and selfish he is.

Well done for leaving. You have more chance of staying strong, if you tell those around you who can offer you support. All contact should be cut for now, give yourself sometime to adjust and focus on your wellbeing before you engage in any contact. Is there any reason why you can't go no contact for a few weeks ?

Ask yourself what you love about being hit. Whether you would abuse someone and claim to love them. Whether someone who puts you in hospital could ever have loved you and why this love you feel is worth hospital stays.

You may need help and support to change your thinking. You could contact women's aid for advice.

Abuse changes you not just physically, it affects how you process the abuse and it's something that's hard to deal with alone