He’s cheating isn’t he? Or is he?! Help

[Topicsdujour]

Obviously I know no one can tell me, just want some opinions please.

DH and I have been together 14 years, married 10 and have 3 young children together. Our relationship for the most part has been great. He truly is my favourite person and I love him very much. He’s considerate towards me, a great Dad and hands on around the house.

About 4 years ago when I was heavily pregnant with our 3rd child I found some messages on his I pad. We had been going through a very rough patch. I got pregnant with DC3 when DC2 was only 3 months old and DC1 only 3 years old. My husband works away a lot and I don’t have any family nearby so I was struggling a lot and it resulted in lots of arguments. I was on the I pad one evening, and came across some messages that were synced to his phone. I never really used the I pad and it came as a huge shock. They were very flirtatious and inappropriate messages to his work colleague, though it was clear in the messages nothing had actually happened between them. Though maybe only because they didn’t get the chance?
It was a dark time in our relationship and we had to work really hard together to move past it.
The last few years have been great, however, the messages to his colleague have always been in the back of my mind.

DH works in a the sporting field (management side) and also enjoys playing the sport recreationally. For ease I will just say it is golf. A few weeks ago DH took our eldest son to a day out playing golf. When they came back, our son explained they had spent the day with his female colleague and her daughter. The female colleague (not the one he text years back) is a professional in this field so when I questioned my husband he said she was offering her time to give our son a bit of training. I felt a bit put out that he hadn’t mentioned her being there to me at all but didn’t really say anything.
Fast forward to this week and he’s at a golf event for work. Staying away in a hotel. He briefly mentioned who he was going with…. All guys.
I was on Facebook today and saw my husband had uploaded a picture at this event, with this female colleague! Along with one of the male colleagues he mentioned.
It all seems a bit weird that she seems to be on the scene a lot more. The more I think about it the more suss it seems… I realised that the gym he goes to religiously is not far from where she lives. I did a little Facebook stalking and on one of the pictures she is wearing my husbands woolly hat.

I called him and just lost it with him and asked if something was going on. He obviously denied it to the ground. He was incredibly apologetic for not mentioning that she was going to be there. Said he could completely understand why I felt suspicious and offered to leave the event and come home to talk about it. That’s what makes it hard, he’s so…… reasonable. It’s just my gut is telling me something is up.

What do you think? I know he would never admit to it and I don’t have any evidence. I did wonder why he would upload a picture to Facebook knowing I could see it, however he knows I don’t use it, only occasionally for marketplace. I asked about the hat and he just said she was freezing so he leant it to her.

Argh, I just don’t know what to do. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Your DH maybe, not the potential OW who has a DC and KNOWS how upsetting this is.

She is setting her blended family scenario up. With stealth.

She sniffs cracks in the relationship and is exploiting this.

@Topicsdujour

The hat photo. Was it taken by someone else, and she just happens to be in the shot and you noticed his hat...or has she taken a selfie of herself wearing it and uploaded it?

I think it is odd that he took your son on a golfing day with her and her daughter and didn't mention it beforehand.

My best friend's husband took their two children abroad for a week while she was in a busy time at work and when they came back her son mentioned 'We met dad's friend from work with her son at the airport and they were going to the same hotel so I had someone to play with all week.' He was 11. Her daughter was 17 and was so upset by the whole thing. She knew exactly what it was about.

Her husband denied it was anything but a complete coincidence but, of course, it turned out they were having an affair and it was his way if 'introducing' the DC to her.

I sort of agree with this. He needs to act in such a way that you don't have to live like this. He needs to ensure totally transparency and solid boundaries, more so than normal, because he's the one who betrayed your trust in him.

How much work did you both do after his emotional affair?

I don’t think he has firm boundaries in place and even if he isn’t cheating he needs to ask himself why he has loose boundaries.

If he values you as his wife, and he has done the work to understand why he felt an emotional affair was a good choice to make and why he was prepared to break his own vows and lose his honesty and integrity in the process - then he would know that lying by omission is another poor decision.

I don’t think he did the work back then. I imagine some unmet needs tosh was used as justification and he didn’t work out why he has a ‘but’ in his fidelity. I believe in fidelity ‘but’ not if my wife isn’t able to give me attention. Or I believe in fidelity ‘but’ not if my need for sex isn’t been met. I don’t believe in unmet needs theory. It’s rubbish. Infidelity is a choice that people make. Cooking him steak on a Monday, playing golf with him and oral sex three times a week doesn’t increase someone’s integrity, honesty or self worth.

I don’t know if he’s cheating or not. I do know that one of his values is lying. He lies by omission regularly. He chooses to do this. Maybe because he’s sniffing round this woman, or enjoying the smoke she blows up his bum. Or maybe because he doesn’t want to argue with you. So he sneaks around as he’s conflict averse. Maybe he likes the thril of lying. Or maybe he thinks lying is okay if you don’t find out. Not sure but I’d want to explore this (by looking myself at other things he lies about).

If the values he demonstrates don’t match the ones he says he has - you can decide he’s not the man for you.

Read ‘Not just friends’ by Shirley Glass - it’s a quick read. The section on walls and windows may help you.

All the best. Don’t use an unmet needs theory counsellor!

"DS had been talking about getting golf lessons for a while"

That's awfully mature of a 9 year old to be thinking about one on one lessons with a professional.

Are you sure this sport has not been discussed and encouraged for a reason because it's a perfect excuse for this little ensemble to get together.

It's a bit hiding in plain site.

If your DH had never sent those messages years ago, how would you feel about recent events now? Personally even discounting what happened years ago, I would still be suspicious.

The lying by omission, is a red flag, the hat photo that she posted on her FB, seems inappropriate.

Also when you said ‘ I realised that the gym he goes to religiously is not far from where she lives’ , this would be rather convenient for him, how ‘religiously’ does he attend the gym?

He was apologetic for not mentioning she would be there - but did he explain to you why he didn't mention it? This is twice now that he's been with her and not mentioned it - that is pretty suspicious. Unless he avoids mentioning women altogether due to the upset caused by him messaging before? The wrong way to handle things but maybe could explain it?

Some people just need to cheat, it's in their make up.

I hope you're ok.

I would be inclined to agree for him to come home and see how he reacts, whether he is as calm and reasonable then.

I think if you wanted clarity a better way to go about it would of been to wait for more evidence. Unfortunately, it's fairly flimsy so far and you'll probably never know if anything was brewing because the early stages are easy to deny.
You might be being understandably sensitive to perceived signs, or you might have nipped another one in the bud.
You can still look for other signs such as how he's been with you lately and could similar excuses he used last time apply currently or were the excuses just bs.

This is not my experience at all. My ex would get very angry when hiding his cheating and would make me out to be crazy. I would see your partner being understanding as a good thing.

BornIn78 · Today 18:29

He's doing a lot of lying by omission.

Taking your son on a little day date with this woman and her daughter - didn't mention her. How old is your son btw?

Work trip away with "all guys" - didn't mention her.

Sporting event where she ends up in a photo wearing his hat - didn't mention her.

Bet if you ask him outright, she goes to the gym that he goes to which is coincidentally right near her house but he's never mentioned she's there.

This 👆

I'll assume she's attractive?... But from reading through this post it doesn't sound great I'm afraid. Next time he goes to the gym I'd go with him. Your son has met her so why can't you?

Maybe he felt it was not worth mentioning about the first golf meet up with the kids because it was innocent since the kids were in presence. And he probably thought by now you had gotten over the ipad messages incident 4 years ago, so there's no need to declare meeting the other woman since in his eyes there's nothing really to tell.

But truthfully in the background you do still have some trust issues and you do still need some transparency from him, even if it was an innocent meet up.
This kind of sets the stage for the next situation.

He goes to a work thing and says its all lads when it wasn't. It could well have been a lie from the start, it could well have been just her turning up at the last minute, it could well have him not mentioning it because he saw your reaction from golf with children meet up and didn't want to 'rock the boat'.

You still do need that transparency from him as you have not gotten over the trust that got broken those years back. He's not giving that right now. Even if its innocent, he's not giving you that reassurance and all those old feelings of suspicion are returning because of it. The hat, again to him its innocent and she said she was cold, but to you and your previous hurt, its reading as something more.
You definitely need some sort of councilling together, or at least let him know how you are feeling right now and why.
Earning your trust from those messages is not an easy fix. It's not like, oh its been a year and i've been faithful and answerable to the mrs as to my whereabouts, and being attentive and x y and z and now I can relax making her feel secure, and im sure that old hurt has gone by now. It does not work that way. There's going to be times when you will feel a bit insecure and going to need more hugs. I know there was times when my kiddos were young and I was feeling more 'mum' than 'wife' and not very sexy, and then feeling a bit insecure.
Right now, there's not really enough evidence to suggest hes carrying on with another woman, but if he continues his behaviour, its going to look a bit sussed.

I would ask to see his phone and check his communication with her. Also look in deleted messages. If he has nothing to hide he would be totally transparent. If there is nothing, I would then bide my time by gathering evidence. I used a tracker and bugged the car. Stopped all the lies and gas lighting and crazy madness when I had felt in my bones there was something off but it was denial all round until the evidence was presented to him.

Sadly I suspect there is more to this than meets the eye with your DH. Take care OP.

Is she one of a few females in an male dominated area or is she just one of many women?
Individually some of the things wouldn't bother me - the hat - the pic wearing the hat - unless you had said it was his favourite and no one was allowed to touch it which you didn't.
He may have not mentioned things because he knows from his past behaviour that you might be upset/suspicious and so he is avoiding that but in doing so made it all the more suspicious.

I would say there is no 'evidence' of him doing anything wrong but the fact you feel something is off - you are probably right.

I am assuming in the time since the messages and now - he has worked with other female colleagues and you have not been paranoid about them all?

I hope you're ok op.

One thing I will say is don't allow them to shame you into silence.

No I don't think he's cheating. It would be random bringing your son and her daughter. Could fancy eachother (possibly) or could be completely innocent. But I wouldn't say he's definitely cheating at all just from that...

It’s very difficult to know whether this is anxiety and mistrust triggered by the discovery of those messages in the past, or a sense something’s up.

All you can do is keep your wits about you. Counselling might help overall while you’re sussing things out.

You need to trust yourself. It's very likely that something is up but you don't know what. These random feelings don't come out of nowhere.

I wouldn't discuss it with him because if you let on and he is up to no good he will cover up any wrongdoing to the best of his ability. I would be monitoring his very closely and thinking through plans for worst case scenario just in case.

Can you go to counselling on your own? I think that would be more beneficial for you now that couples counselling.

If op's husband has laid the foundations of these child activities souley for the pupose of becoming closer to this woman, then that suggests a very devious mind.

One that can engineer situations purely for an innocent alibi to be created.

I hope not.

Solely.

@Topicsdujour, I empathize with your upset. I think your H is enjoying gaining validation from this OW and is again crossing boundaries, hence his dishonesty.

He has a history of deception and emotional infidelity with another female colleague, even when you were pregnant, juggling your other 2 little ones, and handling all the responsibilities while he was away. That was a massive betrayal. Going through a rough patch was no justification for his choosing that unethical, destructive path.

Restoring and maintaining your trust and emotional security should still be his priority. Lying twice regarding OW’s presence is a blatant transgression, and is a betrayal of his reconciliation promises. He is still weak, self-serving, and entitled.

In my view, he has opened a window to OW, and her increased appearance on the scene is a reflection of this shift in their relationship. If so, there will be more subterfuge, as well as hiding in plain sight, e.g., using the children as cover.

He appears adept at using manipulative tactics. He was angry and defensive to make you back off when you questioned his initial lie, but shifted gears to smoothing it over when the second one was rumbled.

For many women, being lied to twice about a woman following a previous episode of infidelity would signal the end.

As for OW, I believe she had an agenda when presenting herself on FB wearing his silly hat, and there’s a very good chance that she is using his gym.