How to move on from colleague

[abc1247]

Will try and keep this short -

Had a fling with a colleague last spring - messaged all day every day, slept together etc, I was really quite infatuated.

I left the workplace for a few months, he continued to message constantly but didn’t suggest meeting up.

I’ve now returned to the same place, about a week before I was due to start he suddenly stopped messaging. I tried to broach the subject but he didn’t engage.

Now I’m back working with him he’s barely spoken to me other than polite small talk and hasn’t messaged.

I’ve no idea what’s changed and do feel quite hurt that he hasn’t been courteous enough to tell me what’s going on, as something has obviously changed for him. I’ve given him the opportunity to say but he hasn’t taken it. He avoid serious conversations where he can, so I’m not too surprised.

It’s fine that it’s over, I don’t want to go back there, but it just feels a bit rude of him to just cut off contact without saying anything.

Do I just pretend it never happened and treat him with polite courtesy that I’d show any other colleague? Or do I ask him about it to try and get a bit of closure?

Would appreciate some honest opinions :)

It is rude to be honest. When you were working together first, and sleeping together, was that a regular thing, it did it just happen for example when drunk, or something like that?

I am trying to get a sense of whether either he, you or both regarded it as a relationship?

I mean, either way he is rude to ghost (or do as close to a ghost as he can while seeing you).

But some people are just like that sadly - you read a lot of awful things on these boards, people with no regard for others' feelings.

I think all you can do is date elsewhere? Then you may find you don't give a shit about him! (And he may well come crawling back if he gets wind of it - depends why he has disengaged I guess)

Thanks for your response - no it wasn’t a drunken one off, it was regular sex and sexting for a few months.

We never really spoke about ‘what it was’, I did try to broach it but he just laughed it off like he doesn’t with everything. Form my POV I was very infatuated! Used to leave things on his desk all the time, went to lots of effort for his birthday etc.

He’s never asked about if I’ve seen other people etc since.

He’s being rude AF but I think you should just react in the same way and treat him as nothing more than a colleague.

Chasing him for answers probably won’t give you the closure you want unfortunately as if he wanted to discuss it he would have.

In your shoes I would put him on the past and treat him with polite indifference.

Thank you. Have been so torn between leaving it and bringing it up, but you’re right, if he wanted to talk about it then he would have already.

I’ve tried hard to be polite and brief when I’ve seen him, just feels such an odd contrast to how close we were.

Still have to interact with him in a work capacity occasionally but thankfully we don’t work too closely.

Yes he's rude, were you aware of his relationship status previously, it doesn't sound as though you asked many questions. He may now have entered a new relationship but clearly doesn't want to discuss his personal life.

I would just move on, be professional and polite and don't be tempted by him again, his disregard of you tells you all you need to know about the level of importance and respect he has for you.

So Mar-May 2023 fling
Then you left
Chat over text no meeting
Jan 2024 must have heard you're returning to work from colleague. Pulls way back in communication
Jan 2024 you physically see him at work, he acts like nothing happened

My guess:
He was seeing someone while chatting. He is either with that same person who is also at work or might have his eyes on someone at work. He has been setting firm boundaries like he weighed the pros and cons of your dalliance and then decided professional and at arms length is how it will be with you
Why?
New woman?
New policy change?
Has his eyes on a promotion and it's against work to flirt?
Either protecting his work or his personal life. There is also a chance he got engaged or something and didn't tell you but colleagues all know of his engagement. Could be his gf has a friend at work?

Was it known that your contract is only temporary? Maybe he didn't realise you will be a permanent or returning staff and so took a gamble with as a "fuck it we wont see each other again" and now you're back he is trying to rebalance things? But if it were so he would have still ask to see you which he didnt once you left... i think he met someone else.

I'd forget it ever happened. Sounds like he was after a fling, and you and something a bit more serious. Just be polite and forget about him. He may have a new girlfriend. But I bet if you start acting uninterested, he will probably be interested 🙄. Realistically, it doesn't sound like this will go anywhere. I believe if someone's in to you you'll know about it and the relationship will develop.

Sorry, forgot to post on here! Thank you for all of your advice. I’ve remained polite and courteous when we’ve been at work but won’t be asking for any clarity as I won’t get any anyway! Thank you all x