STBexDH and I separated before Christmas, his decision. Things are amicable, and due to loads of reasons that I can't go into as they would be hugely outing, we need to stay living together for the next couple of years until I can move out. We have 2 very young DCs. Things are amicable, its a big house, I dont actually think that part is going to cause us huge issues but I'm including it because I feel like it's probably a key factor in how I'm feeling.
I feel broken. Absolutely shattered. I'm absolutely grieving the relationship, the future I though we/the kids would have. Sometimes I feel really sad, sometimes I feel really angry about the whole thing. I knew neither of us were in a great place but I genuinely thought we were just in the 'roommate' phase of life with 2 small kids, lack of sleep, nursery fees meaning things were tight, etc etc and that things would improve as they got older. He obviously felt differently, and I feel cross that in the 7 months he claims he's been considering ending the marriage he didn't accurately convey how he was feeling and the severity of the sitauation to me other than 'I'm not happy' as I feel like I've been robbed of the chance for us to try and fix things.
Initially I thought I was dealing with it all really well but I think the feelings are starting to catch up with me. He's already started talking to another woman he knows who is much younger than me (and him). I obviously wasn't meant to know, and genuinely found out by accident as he left his smart watch on a worktop that I happened to be working at when it flashed up with a message and without even meaning to I just instinctively looked. We've had a talk about it and he's answered a lot of personal questions that I had and so far it's genuinely just talking/texting and I'm certain there was no affair/overlap, but I do suspect that the feelings of attraction he had for her/others probably cemented that he didn't feel like that about me anymore. I know it's just different coping mechanisms, our lack of sex life was a huge issue in our relationship as his libido was much higher than mine, she's obviously paying him attention and he enjoys that/it's a confidence boost, I really dont think either of them see it as a long term serious thing, not that it really matters.
I just feel like I've given him the best of me, my 20s, sacrificed my body to carry his kids and now I'm being traded in. I know thats probably not actually fair, he was always reassuring me that my insecurities were my own and not how he felt and that this change has come about from the lack of intimacy and not my appearance (and he's subsequently acknowledged that he's not blameless in all of this).
Sorry, I'm rambling now. When I think about everything it's just so painful, like I feel physical pain in my chest/heart. I know in making the decision he's further down the moving on line than I am, but I'm hoping for some stories/reassurance that this isn't my life forever, and that eventually I'll feel like me, or at the very least happy again, because I really cant see it ever improving right now and I don't know that I can feel like this for the rest of my life.