Passive Agressive manager - How to deal with it it

[piscis]

I need some advice about how to deal with a PA manager. My mental health is bad in general, but this is making things much worse. I have been reading some older posts from people with a similar problem and I am dishartened to see that the advice in general is to leave (so people who have done nothing wrong leave and the PA manager stays...) I don't think it is fair. If this makes any difference, I am an NHS worker, so not a private company. I am looking for jobs within the NHS but I haven't found anything interesting yet, I also struggle a lot with changes so this is not making things any easier...

To the point. Just to be clear, my manager is normally very nice if you say yes to everything and don't cause any 'problems'. In the last few months, we've had a couple of disagreements just because I dared to request a couple of things I had all the right to request (requesting to work from home one day a week and being reticent on taking additional work when my workload was already very high as we are very understaffed) I think me asking for things he didn't agree with and insisting on it has make him hate me and has turned the athmosphere at work quite toxic at times. I say at times because it depends on how he is on the day!

Anyway, he is the type of person that makes rude comments when reading emails from other staff if he is not happy with them, or if someone comes into the office to say hello and then leaves, he will say things like 'you twat' or things of the sort if he is not happy with that person for whatever reason.

Once he muttered a PA rude comment (not an insult) after I sent him something by email because I had forgotten to include something in the document. I sit very close to him so just by looking towards his screen I knew the comment was referring to me. So instead of telling me 'you forgot to include x, can you please add it?' I had to hear how annoyed he was making PA comments without even talking to me directly.

Today, I am pretty sure he called me 'idiot' muttering under his breath. Of course as it was in a very low voice and also english is not my mother tonge, I could never be 100% sure, but lets say I am 99.9% sure of what I heard. Also, this is very much like him, as I said, he's got form for this.

Thats the hard thing about PA managers, I cannot go and make a complain if I am not 100% sure. He is quite high up as well.

Any advice?

I sympathise, it’s very difficult to deal with especially in a smallish team when the person is someone high up and you work closely with them. I also work in the NHS in a corporate area. That behaviour seems inappropriate and out of line with NHS values and won’t be helping your already poor mental health. If you don’t feel able to tackle him directly and unsure if it’s serious enough to warrant a formal grievance ie is more about general attitude - we have a whistleblowing policy in our organisation where concerns can be raised totally anonymously to someone at an executive level or via trained freedom to speak up guardians. I thought that was pretty standard for NHS organisations. Is that an option you have and could consider? Sounds like he could do with a chat from his seniors about approach and maybe going on a few HR courses!!

I'd just go 'sorry, what was that?' as if I'd misheard.

Making people repeat their snide little comments, especially infront of others, tends to make them look like assholes and they know it.
If he repeats it, don't respond, just let it hang there. Then turn your attention to someone or something else like you're ignoring a bad smell.

Secondly, be warm with him when he is being nice. Ignore bad behaviour or nasty things said. Or do as above and make them repeat them.

Also, don't be slow to say calmly 'don't talk to me like that John. It's not appropriate'. If needs be.

But ideally, focus on making him feel liked when he is kind and ignored when he's an ass.

His sort love attention. So use thar to your advantage.

Of course it is innapropriate and he knows it, I am also pretty sure he regrets this after it happens. He knows this is not right, so no training is going to help I am afraid.
My MH is awful, I've suffered from anxiety for years but since I am in this job I am surviving, I came home after the incident today, I was shaken by it, but I couldn't bring myself to confront him. How can you confront him when he was muttering? He is definitely going to deny it.

We do have the FTSU guardian too, but it doesn't Feel like it is right to go to the FTSU guardian without talking to him first, and that's difficult because of the reasons above. Also, he is very high up and he will know, he will have all the support from people above. I feel I am so stuck. It is either going all guns blazing and raise a grievance (which I don't think my MH can handle) or suck ot up, which I can't handle either.

go see HR, inform them about how you are mentally affected by his behaviour and take it from there

Do not talk to him about reporting him first op.

I know the instinct is always to just hash things out like reasonable people. But he is not reasonable. So if you think he might cause you issues with the higher ups for example, report him first.

And if you want to report his behaviour, do so without speaking to him first. Or he will get in there with the hr people and make a complaint about you before you've so much as made it down the corridor.

Don't play nice with vipers.

@Pinkbonbon thank you for your good advice. I think the problem is thay when it has happenned I feel so shocked and I stay for a minute processing what I've just heard as it feels so innapropriate that I believe for a second that I must have mishead...only that not! I wouldn't dream of doing this to anyone so it is really shocking to me and I would struggle to respond quickly and confidently.

Does he say things infront of others? Or to them?

In front of others, not to their face.
For example, we are in our area in the office and somebody from another department comes in to say hello, then leaves...and he will say 'and you could have responded to my email this morning, you idiot' after the person has left.

It is really such a shame that he is like this sometimes, as he can be very nice when he is nice. It nearly seems like he cannot avoid it!

Ignore, report, or confront.

Which do you prefer? They're your only options.

Personally, with passive aggressive remarks, I like to ignore. Literally pretend you haven't heard. What's the worst that could happen?

@Watchkeys sure, I know that I have to choose an option but it is not that simple....
I would choose to ignore too, I wish I could ignore and that this would not affect me in the slightliest, my life would be so much easier! But we are not all the same, I am not a strong person, much less so lately with my poor MH and this affects me A LOT.

I am not feeling confident to report this.

I know he knows he has upset me today even if I have not confronted him and I hope he reflects on his behaviour. If this happens again I will have to confront him either I like it or not.

it is not that simple

It is. There are, simply, no other options, regardless of how you feel.

This isn't about him and his behaviour. This is about you. Where did you learn to repress your feelings? Usually we learn that in our childhood. Might that have happened to you?

If its not specifically you he's singled out to bully I would try keep my head down. He sounds like he's just a standard miserable bastard.

He sounds like he's just a standard miserable bastard

😁

Is this standard? Calling an employee 'idiot' muttering under his breath when the other person is quite close to him?I must have been so lucky in all my years of employment because I have never seen anything like it...

@Watchkeys in response to your question, do I repress my feelings? I don't know, I think maybe sometimes I do and I understand that my reaction to his actions are only my decision, that does not take from the fact that his behaviour is totally unnaceptable

This is bullying and aggressive behaviour- name calling and being intimidating in their position of power.

When I had a Manager who was being passive agressive- things like not looking at me in team meetings and so on, I wrote everything down and had a meeting with him about it. He never dismissed me again. You have to confront their behaviour head on or report.

Otherwise just look for a new job.

And make sure you organise a 1-1 meeting and take the written or typed notes with you. I saw fear in my Managers eyes when he realised I had been taking notes and was no pushover. His behaviour completely changed towards me after that and I never had another problem after that.

Do you think he has a particular issue? Tourette's or autism? It just seems very odd behaviour.

Sometimes it's easier to deal with people if you can work out why they are behaving like that. Or at least, I find that helps me.

His behaviour is unacceptable, but not under your control.

How you respond to unacceptable behaviour is the question here, to be asking of yourself. You don't want to put up with it, but you don't want to do any of the things that would stop it, either. What advice do you need exactly? You're going to have to do something.

You are responsible for yourself, and you're not happy. It's up to you to fix it. The world isn't designed around your feelings.

Probably could do with this:-

https://www.tuc.org.uk/why-join-union

@Watchkeys True. I am scared to do anything. First of all, because of the position he is in, he would definitely deny it, he simply cannot admit to it because it would be too serious so it would be a war. I am scared on how confronting him could affect me in the future, when a need a job reference or anything like that. You normally want to leave on good terms for references but seems impossible to be on good terms or ignore someone who has insulted you thinking that you could not hear/understand.

@BuernBuern thank you. Thankfully I joined an union (Unison) in November, as things with him started to get difficult a few months back and I though that it would be a good idea just in case.