Feeling Lost

[emb733333]

I'm feeling very lost in aspects of my life and would love a little bit of advise if it's at all possible. In my relationship with my partner it has always been very up and down, I do suspect he is bipolar. He is a larger than life character, everyone who knows him thinks he is amazing, he's the loudest, funniest in the room etc but when he is home, he is grumpy, likes things in a certain way and I know my adult children do not really like him, in fact I'm not even sure his own children like him that much. It's like there is two of him and I have found I have lost my voice, my opinion and myself. Over the years I have become so used to doing what he wants, we eat what he wants, we go on holidays to places he wants to go, I research areas I know he will enjoy, I spend hours researching gifts I know he will love and part of it is probably my doing, I just do it to please him, an easy life I suppose.
Something happened recently that has literally thrown me, I had a significant birthday and I like to keep cards that are special to me, we have a drawer in the sideboard I kept such cards, He got them out a few months ago to throw away and I said no I wanted to keep them, since then about two more times he has taken them out the drawer for me to dispose of, but I put them back. Anyhow, sitting with my Dad recently he was moaning I am a hoarder ( no such thing, our house is very minimal and I have everything in it's place and tidy ) he said I had a pile of cards in this drawer and he threw them away. This has absolutely devasted me and I can't seem to get over it, he knew I wanted to keep them but didn't care. Is this controlling behaviour? I work for his company, I live in his house, the ramifications of leaving are big but I don't care, I have an interview for a job tomorrow I've not told him about. Have I now become the one who is being unreasonable? I am menopausal I keep thinking maybe it's just hormonal and I'm being moody. Please can I have opinions on this, am I just being very silly about some stupid cards?!

No you are not being unreasonable, your partner sounds unkind, controlling and a bully. Throwing away cards that are meaningful to you is just one example l imagine! You on the other hand have tried you hardest to please him, although it sounds as though you may have made yourself a bit of a doormat in the process. You say your adult children don't like him, well thats because they can see how poorly he treats you. Don't hesitate to leave him if you can do so as he is unlikely to change. Good luck with the interview tomorrow, l really hope this gives you the push that you need to leave.

What a nasty thing to do. He sounds spiteful and uncaring. Regardless of how amazing other people think he is, you don't need someone like this in your life.
You're absolutely right to feel like you do.

@emb733333 you sound like me when I was married. Your partner threw the cards away precisely because he knows they were precious to you.

Yes, it is controlling behaviour. Your partner wants to control your emotions. He wants you to have only negative emotions. He wants to make you angry. If you show your anger then he sees himself as having the right to react to that, despite it being his behaviour that caused your reaction.

He wants you to doubt yourself.

Mine too was the life and soul of the party, they so often are. This is so that they get positive attention from people who may be useful to them one day, in whatever way. It's so that you see them being all lovely then go home and get the real him = negative emotions for you. It's also so that no-one will believe you when you say you're not happy with 'lovely John', or that black eye wasn't from walking into a door.

You are not being hormonal or moody - the scales are falling from your eyes.
Well done on keeping quiet about your interview - the very best of luck for that 🍀 . It's best to get as much as possible prepared for your new life, if that's what you choose to do, without him knowing. He will not let your separation be easy, but it will be worth it. Women's Aid are a great support

although it sounds as though you may have made yourself a bit of a doormat in the process

@Seaoftroubles you do what you can to to keep yourself safe and your life on as even a keel as possible. People like him need appeasing/gifts/adulation/attention/everything or else there are consequences. Often we can't see these things until we are away from them.

@FreeAdamsApples Yes, l do understand, l didn't mean it unkindly, it can be very hard, especially if you are a people pleaser. The OP has admitted that she's always bent over backwards to make him happy, all to no avail as this has made him even more full of his self importance.
OP l hope you can get away and agree that contacting Woman's Aid for support and advice could be helpful.

What he has done is unforgivable. He did this deliberately to hurt you. How could you possibly stay with a man like this?

He is controlling and a bully. He knew those cards were sentimental to you and threw them away anyway.
You say you live in his house, work for his company, eat what he likes and goes on holidays to places he chooses. He sounds like a massive control freak! You are your own person and haven't got to spend your life pleasing him. Well done on your job interview and fingers crossed for you! Get back your independence and make your own choices.

Agree with all above. I just came on to also say well done for getting the job interview.

Hi thank you for the messages. The interview went well. I have a second one next week. So fingers crossed and I’m speaking today about it with him. So nervous but needs to be said.

Well done on smashing the first interview! Good luck for next week and hopefully you will get a lot off your chest when you speak to him, hope that goes well too.

OP, I wouldn’t tell him about the interview until you’ve had the second one, and hopefully a job offer. He’s a controlling bully, and might sabotage you in many ways.

You need to go into the interview feeling upbeat and confident. But he’d be sure to upset you in some way before it, to put you off-balance.

Kerp quiet for now. And good luck with the next interview!

This, if possible @emb733333

Well done today and good luck for the next one. And everything else