Witness of child abuse

[Maria342]

When I was younger my mum used to abuse my sibling, emotionally, mentally and physically and this continued for so so so many years.
my sibling says they have forgiven my mum for what she’s done but I don’t forgive her. Even though it didn’t happen to me, it makes me so angry and upset and I don’t know why. I feel resentment towards Her.
Why do I feel like this though no abuse happened to me.

When a child observes abuse even if it doesn’t happen to them, they live with the constant threat that they could be next. There’s also the anxiety and empathy around the hurt your sibling is experiencing, It must have been awful and stressful watching and feeling so helpless.

Because abuse did happen to you.

You had to witness someone you love being abused. Too young to do anything about it. And afraid you might be next.

Thats abuse.

You were powerless, and the person in charge of protecting you was doing something very wrong. If I had to watch car crashes every day I wouldn't be in the same position as the passengers but I would expect to be deeply distressed by what I saw, probably for a long time afterwards. I'd be experiencing the crashes in a detached way, but my experience is still legitimate and traumatising and would no doubt affect how I approached situations.

Just because the abuse didn't happen to you directly doesn't mean you won't be affected. It's your sibling's right to forgive your mother but you don't have to do the same: your story is your own. If I were you I'd talk to a therapist, maybe one who specialises in trauma or family abuse.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this, I hope you can get some help and move through this.

@Maria342

there is a condition known as secondary trauma, which affects people who have witnessed traumatic events.

Your sibling was abused over many years, witnessed by you. It must have been a very hostile environment to grow up in and this will have had an effect on you even though you were not the target.
Your sibling may feel that the only way to move forward is to forgive your mum. I read somewhere once that the act of forgiveness is not really for the benefit of the person being forgiven, but the person doing the forgiving. I think there is some truth in that. It doesnt mean they will forget or even that it won’t continue to affect them.
My feeling is that you might benefit from some counselling, primarily so you can understand that your experiences were also abusive. In time you may feel that forgiveness is a way forward for you, or maybe some other form of acceptance that it happened, that it was not right but that it does not have to define your life.
Good luck x

You are also a victim of abuse because you saw, heard and were privy to the violence and the after-effects of their pain and distress. You are a victim of domestic abuse too. Don't underestimate the impact. Be kind to yourself and look around for some support to talk through your feelings.

Some great advice from previous posters.

I empathise with you OP. Both db and I were abused physically, verbally and emotionally for years by our parent. Some of my more painful memories are of the things that were done to him. Seeing a loved one hurt is painful

What an evil c*nt.

She doesn't deserve your sibling's forgiveness.

You'd be perfectly justified going NC with her.

What if you have kids and she decides one of them is a scape goat/victim type. She can't be trusted around anyone.

You don't have to forgive her. You were not the direct victim of the abuse but you were still a victim of it. We are conditioned to always forgive but you do not owe her anything. If it has a big impact on your life still or you find yourself increasingly angry towards her seek therapy to help you process it. Even if you come to terms with it all and can move forward you do not have to forgive if you do not want to or can't

Thankyou everyone xxx
I appreciate all your support

I have a disabled brother who was horribly abused, beaten and tormented by our stepfather. I still feel sick about it and the fact our mum never protected him. I have awful guilt that I never protected him, even though I was much younger and being abused myself. I understand how you feel, the memories of how he was treated still reduce me to tears regularly and I don't seem to be able to ever get over it.

Do you mind me asking OP, did your mother abuse you as well or just your sibling? If you were treated differently you probably feel some guilt about that when it absolutely wasn't your fault and there's nothing you could have done. I'm sorry about what you and your sibling both went through x

You experienced a different type of abuse. But it was still abuse. You might want to get some help to talk this through. There will be survivors charities who can help.

This is exactly how I feel, it makes me so angry and sad that I just cry.

Do you know how I could get ahold of these charities

No she hardly ever abused me; I would tread on eggshells though to not feel her wrath or be in her firing line. Shes only abused me a handful of times but nothing compared to my sibling. The abuse is what you see in documentaries 😔

@Maria342

this might be a good place to start

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/non-recent-abuse/

open the link for NAPAC

Hey,

I’m new to this and am looking for some advise if anyone can help me please. My child’s father is manipulating my child and hasn’t got her best interest at heart. I have made the school aware and now children’s social services who told me that they will be contacting the school. How long do you think it will take before I am contacted so I know what will be happening moving forward. I made the call on Wednesday afternoon. Thankyou :)

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