it's only 11.30 am but i've already managed...

[totalmisfit]

a horrible confrontation with dp, a big row with my mum and now i've broken dd's heart.

wtf is wrong with me?

nothing, just having an off day by the sounds of it, happens to all of us relax have a cuppa and chill say sorry if you need too and don't beat yourself up about it

mum came over here so she could look after dd for a few hours for me. She made the mistake of stumbling onto MIL territory. Basically MIL and i have an awful relationship, if you can call it that. My mum being a bit of a peacemaker at heart is always keen to rush to MIL's defence if i put her down or say anything about her. I don't know why as she doesn't really know her. I feel this is what my mum has always done, never been on my side, never encouraged me to defend myself, and just now i felt she was taking MIL's side, which just got me so wound up i ended up asking my own mother to leave after she accused me of upsetting dd. (Which brought back echos of when she used to accuse me of upsetting my sisters whenever i had an opinion which didn't agree with hers. Half the time they were just tired or just doing what kids do but it was always MY fault) So now i really have hurt dd's feelings because grandma has gone and she was going to take her to the park etc. have put her in front of cbeebies to try and calm her down and i feel horrible about the whole thing. God, i'm just an awful person incapable of normal human relationships.

dds hearts are very resilient! Has something in particular set you off? Time of month? Anything we can do to help?

no you are not an awful person, you are entitled to your feelings and regardless of what your mum thinks they are valid to you. I could be wrong but you seem to have some issues with your mum, let the dust settle then try talking to your mum. Can you take dd to the park yourself?

Normal human relationships have arguments, disagreements and fallouts tm.
Sure you can mend some fences after a nice cup of tea. Maybe you could take dd out instead? Or even call your Mum, say you were having a bad day, (deep breath) apologise and take dd over to her?
Don't feel bad - sounds very normal to me

thanks Jackstini, i had given the stuff up for lent but what the hey

TLV i think you're right i definitely have some issues with my mum. but since having dd i guess i've just tried to get along with her as much as poss for dd's sake. But it annoys me that she thinks she knows how i should be dealing with MIL when she was lucky enough to have the world's most lovely mil in my grandmother and she never had to go through all this fear and dread and animosity. I feel like when it comes to MIL, my mum doesn't really know what she's talking about, and i told her as much just now I think what's really set me off is the fact that MIL is supposed to be coming this weekend and i'm dreading it.

No wonder you are feeling stressed.
Try and out it to your Mum the way you have said here. Complimenting your Grandma and you mum and just saying you wish MIL was more like them?

put it to your Mum..

i'm actually feeling far to ashamed of myself and embarassed about the whole thing to contact her at all right now.

and i'm still a bit angry at her, but moreso at myself. i'm worried dd will grow up as messed up as i am because of all this conflict. and of course i partially blame my mum for the way i am, which doesn't help.

and if i ever say anything along the lines of comparing the two of them that really sets my mum off as she leaps to MIL's defence. ' i just think it's so sad that you can't get along, why are you making the whole situation worse? etc etc' when i'm not making the situation worse at all, i'm just blowing off steam with someone i thought would be in my corner. i thought wrong, obviously.

My mum always takes DHs side against me and always questions my judgement about our children. She would tell me I shouldn't criticise DHs mother and that I shouldn't let myself go or he's find another woman

That's mothers - I love her but she drives me nuts.

Sorry you're having a bad day. Be kind to yourself and see if you can do something nice with DD. There will be other trips to the park with grandma.

thanks Janni, sorry to hear your mum has this habit too - it's pretty demoralising really isn't it?

I'll probably put dd down for a nap in a bit, and might take her out somewhere after that if there's time. I know there'll be other trips with her grandma but the crazy way my mind works means after she left i was thinking 'what if something happens to her now? the last thing i ever said to her would be 'you can leave now'' so that's what made me feel really guilty.

i know thinking like this is not helpful in the least but it goes some way to explaining the weird guilt/love/animosity that forms my relationship with my mum. and i'm also thinking what is this reflex i have to banish people when i disagree with them? Quite a few times i've said to dp 'just get out' after we've had a row. it's like i get to a point and i jsut can't be around that person any longer. and i can't walk out myself because of dd. it's awful to do that to my own mother isn't it?

Listen, it's not ideal but I promise that when things have calmed down you'll be able to talk to her and sort it out. Say you're sorry if you're sorry. You can alwaygs break the ice with her by saying your DD would love to see her - grandmas can't resist that

These things always feel TERRIBLE when they've just happened, really raw. Be kind to yourself, please.

It's probably a safety mechanism tm, quite common.
You want the person to go because that is better than saying or doing something worse if they stay - it's a form of protection.
See if you can relax while dd naps and then decide what to do for best.
Does your Mum get on well with MIL or does she not really know her? Some people do have a tendency to stick up for underdogs, regardless of whether or not they are right or have full knowledge of the situation!

she doesn't know her. only met her once, partly because of all the problems between us and partly because MIL is a terrible snob and thinks that both me and my family are beneath her and her darling son. i suppose in my eyes I'm the underdog, because MIL started this awfulness by trying to bribe dp into leaving me when i was 12 weeks pg. but i can see how others would see it differently.

Oh you poor thing

My mother also has that extremely annoying (even dangerous) habit of always trying to make me see the other person's POV when I'm having a moan or rant. I have, over the years, pointed out to her that she does me and my sister a huge disservice when she takes our MIL's/DP's/whomever's side as a kind of reflex - (a) she doesn't stop to listen to what we are saying (which is often pretty founded and analytical, given our personalities) (b) she supports our other halves where their parents would never take our side, so the relationship is intensely unfair.

It's a bad habit of my mother's. And, as you say, it makes you completely crap at self-defence - rather than learning, through discussion with your mother, how to look at situations objectively and stand up to others and for your own POV, all it does is make you cross and resentful (and then you get accused of getting over emotional... or of not confiding and hiding problems...).

Does you Mum realise she is standing up for someone that looks down on her?
Awful that your MIL tried to get DP to leave you when 12 wks pg. Did your Mum know?
Has MIL accepted yet that she was wrong and you are happy as a family? If not I can understand why you would still harbour resentment over that. If she is coming this weekend maybe invite your Mum round and see what happens..! [evil minx emoticon]

well to be fair she did apologise about 18 months after the event

did feel like a case of too little too late.

and it was kind of a hollow apology because she starts trouble every time she sees us and then tries to blame me for her emotional problems (comparing me to HER mother,ffs, who's long gone btw.)I dread her coming cos i know things are going to blow up again and i don't want that for dd.

i have tried telling my mum that mil looks down on her but it's a case of fingers in the ears and "well, we've all got our faults. we're none of us perfect...blah blah blah" she's very christian which probably explains why this doesn't rile her.

feck,this was me yesterday..!

my parents came over at short notice and dd was a nightmare all day ..ds was demanding and dh is working away. .
My bank has put a stop on my account due to their error and I could have murdered the manager I spoke to yesterday..Oh I rephrase it.."who I screamed at yesterday"

Tomorrow is another day, a few more hours till your dd is in bed and then chill....
Tell her you love her and start a fresh tomorrow..its what I did. . {{{{{hugs}}}}}

gosh that's awful, Shhhh. What a day you had! worse than mine by the sounds of things. God, i hate buracracy and banks in general. Feeling a bit better today thank goodness.

Glad you are feeling better today tm. Hope you are too Shhhh - what a day!
Wierd what you said about your Mum's attitude. I have been trying to be more like this recently - you know, don't sweat the small stuff, if it's not life and death don't worry.
Is working to some extent for me but my laid-back-ness seems to drive dh crazy... Can't win 'em all hey!

Try cutting MiL out of your life, she sounds truly awful. Talk about toxic. I don't ever see my MiL but DH takes kids to see her every now and then to try to keep a relationship going with them, but she's not that interested now the control has been taken from her, and she can't belittle me anymore or make me feel like a bad mum, (I'm good at doing that to myself somedays!) But as Jackstini says, don't sweat the small stuff, it's really not worth it, you (or I) just end of feel crap for hours afterwards over something like a growing pile of washing that has none of your clothes in it or the smell slowly rising from the dogs bed that you haven't noticed for weeks. Lifes too bloody short. Hope everyone had a better day today, it's probably my turn to have a day from hell tomorrow, so watch out for me about this time tomorrow night!

Well by 7.50 today I had....

• Woken up and realised completely forgotton dd needed Easter bonnet for nursery
• Cobbled together something from an old Easter gift bag and some foam flowers
• Managed to have a row with dh about dd's party - she is 2 next week. I want to invite some of her nursery friends, dh says he will feel uncomfortable if they come as he doesn't really know any of them/their parents. Neither do I but I said it's not about us - it's about dd seeing the little friends she plays with 3 times a week. I didn't argue back as much as I wanted to as I don't agree with rowing in front of dd.
• dh late for work, dd still upset as she could tell something was wrong Me stressed and can't get my head round work....

Guess it was my turn for a crap morning - hope all yours are better

jackstini - hope you're feeling a little less stressed by now. i know what you mean, my dd turned 2 last friday and we had the same 'who shall we invite?' problem, cos it is tricky sometimes when you don't know the parents that well. in the end we just settled for a family trip to the zoo at the weekend, and then i took in a load of fairy cakes for her to share with everyone at playgroup, as i was too knackered to do anything else

it's true i'm a great one for sweating the small stuff. i am attempting to distract myself in order to do otherwise but sometimes i wonder if it's ingrained in my nature somehow?!

Mumof2fabkids - sounds like you've found an effective solution to a toxic relationship. Tbh initially my reaction was to get dp to try and reason with her because i was feeling to fragile. when that didn't work i did resort to cutting her out for many months although i think she was also cutting us out simultaneously, during my pregnancy. Then just before dd was born she waltzed back in and i felt powerless to do anything. dp was like 'well she wants to be involved, that must mean she's sorry, right?'

Wrong, she hated me as much as ever, but had obviously come round to the idea of having a grandchild. When dd was a few weeks old she was grabbing her out of my arms and making horrible comments about how much weight she had/hadn't put on and was expecting me to do things like breastfeed and cook dinner at the same time because apparently that's what she used to do

needless to say, things just degenerated from there, to the point where a few months ago she accused dp and i of 'keeping dd in a Gulag' Which i think was the point where dp just started to see her in the light i've been forced to see her for the past few years. I think her comment was based on the fact that she doesn't see dd that much and she feels we're deliberately keeping her from her. (and because the world revolves around her, it follows logically that we must be keeping dd away from the entire outside world) The fact is that every time we do see her she says or does something incredibly offensive along these lines, which upsets me and makes me not want to see her again, at least for a very long time. Have let dp arrange visits wher i'm not present in the past, but tbh with the wacko things she comes out with i kind of want to be present iyswim?

Yes a bit less now thanks tm. dh phoned me from work to say nursery thought the bonnet was fab and she came home with a prize!
Good tip about taking something in to nursery for her birthday. I just feel a bit mean not inviting her little friends - might have to start an AIBU thread later - off to have dinner now.
Wow your MIL sounds like a piece of work!! dealing with her must wear you down - how dare she snatch your own baby out of your arms
Hope this weekend is not too horrendous. I know what you mean about wanting to be there - friends close, enemies closer etc...
Good luck!