Leaving a relationship with children

[Cupoftea23]

me and DP have been together 5-6 years, things are just really rubbish and negative right now and have been for a while, I have 3 children from a past relationship and 1 child together, I just feel so bad leaving or splitting up thinking about the children our DD does adore him and looks around for him when we come home in the day when he is at work, I just feel so guilty but this relationship is really draining the life and soul out of me I’m just not myself when he is around how can I get through this what should I do

For you it sounds as if the best thing would be to split up. How old are the children? What is the situation re housing and finances?

Have you tried counselling?

My 3 boys are 12 8 and 7 and daughter is 2. I would stay where I am living he would move out, he works I don’t atm so it would be a bit of a struggle financially but I don’t like depending on him I am looking to put my daughter into nursery soon and find a day job to work around the children, as depending on him and using his money is another problem he makes it known that he pays for everything and it’s not a nice feeling at all. The only thing stopping me from going ahead with the split is his daughter I feel so bad if she will miss him or if he will make things hard seeing her or taking her it’s just a bit of a mess really and it’s stressing me out

This is the thing I know he won’t do any of that he will say if you want to split up we will split up he doesn’t try and fix things I will be in the wrong all the time, but then if we split up he will just be there constantly or just try and worm his way back in with fake apologies for it to just go back to the way it’s been, I would be up for counciling but he just doesn’t like to talk things out or being in the wrong

I think your priority has to be to get a job so that you are not depending on him financially. Do you get maintenance from the father of your sons? Or has your dp been fully supporting all of you financially since you got together?

@BodenCardiganNot yes I get maintenance for my boys and he doesn’t support us fully I still pay all the bills he does shopping 1-2 a week everything else I sort out

There’s probably not enough here to know if YABU. When you say ‘draining the life and soul’ out of you, what do you mean?

LTRs are never going to be life affirming every day, in reality they can become stale and both parties need to put effort in to maintain it. There also needs to be other things that bring you joy and fulfilment in your life. This is of course not relevant if there is abuse but you don’t mention that.

I think you are right to prioritise your daughter - and your other children who have already experienced emotional upheaval.

How do pay all the bills if you are not working? UC?

He should be paying towards utilities, council tax etc. Is he?

as depending on him and using his money is another problem he makes it known that he pays for everything and it’s not a nice feeling at all.

he doesn’t support us fully I still pay all the bills he does shopping 1-2 a week everything else I sort out

You say he pays for everything and then later you say you pay for everything except he does shopping 1-2 days a week.
Which is it?

If he isn't abusive I would do everything to stay. Instead of seeing him as draining life I would see him as a man who took 3 boys by another man under his wings who works to support you all, who has a daughter than adores him. It's not all his fault, this is the second guy you get with and want to leave, look at your own behaviours, too. Nobody is perfect. Are you expecting to leave him and meet another 3rd man have another kid with him? Introduce your kids to yet another new daddy?
Unless there is abuse, make it work.

I get that he does a lot I get that he took on my 3 boys I get that he is a good dad to his daughter I get all of that, and I do appreciate it. he chose to be with me he new what he was letting himself in for he new I had children I don’t know how to put this but if I’m always thanking him for being there for them and taking them under his wing when do I get a thanks for everything I do. He is out all day 8 until half 5, sometimes he will work later but by that time everything is done, or if there is house work left to do he will just sit down and do watch me do it I get that he’s been at work all day but I get tired too, and as for finances he doesn’t pay none of the bills I get UC and maintenance which covers some and I pay the rest his money will go on the odd bits we need through out the week, as as for abuse I feel lost sometimes I think it’s abuse how he acts and what he does but then I think is it me is it my fault and then as for another man if I ended this relationship I really do not want another man in my life I am so happy when it’s just me and my children I am not interested in any other relationships I just want to be a mother and do the best for my children whether I meet someone else when my children are much older grown up I don’t know but really I would rather it just be me and them