Husband disappeared one night and we’ve now split

[Pinksparkles84]

A few years ago my husband started working at a bed company and was given some keys to the shop. We have a son together and I also work. after working there a few months, he came home one night after work to say that he needed to go in early tomorrow morning. He stayed up having a few drinks & said he might sleep downstairs.

Anyways, I went to bed around 10 having put my then 5 year old son to sleep around 7. My husband stayed downstairs and played some computer games. I fell asleep and woke up around 1ish and realised he wasn’t in bed with me. I went downstairs fully expecting him to still be playing on his computer as I needed a glass of water. Only when I got downstairs the lights were off and when I looked outside his car wasn’t there. I ran upstairs wondering if he’d gone into the office but no sign of him. I then realised that his car was gone. So I called him In a panic thinking maybe he’d gone out to get some petrol or something (bearing in mind he’d had some drinks) and I couldn’t get hold of him. I then got a text from him saying that he’d driven to the bed showroom as he couldn’t sleep. He sent me a picture of him on his computer. I had his iPad and did find my phone and it said that he was at the shop. He told me not to worry about him and he was alright and I should get some sleep. I couldn’t sleep for worrying and felt very anxious. The next day he text to say he was really sorry. I was fuming as he’d only just started his job and I thought he might get the sack if they found out.

to this day I have asked him why he did it &he said that he doesn’t know. My thinking was that he’d messed something up at work and went in to rectify it. We have officially separated and I’ve tried questioning him about it still and he says it’s in the past and he can’t change it. We’ve had trust issues in the past as I found some sex texts between him and his ex, when I was pregnant with our son. We also had a difficult year that year as I’d had a miscarriage and he’d accidentally run into a dog a few months before and didn’t stop to report to the police (but didn’t tell me until the police came knocking on the door). He said he hadn’t told me as it was a few weeks until our wedding. I thought maybe he was depressed or something.

he recently said that the reason we have split is because I’ve changed but he hasn’t. When I try and point out that he’s hurt me and there are trust issues, he gets angry. He also said that I have bad habits which any new guy would get peed off about. I know I have a bad habit of being a bit messy but throughout the relationship I’ve tried to break my bad habits.

AIBU for now separating as I’m worrying that maybe it’s the way I look at things. I really appreciate any to thoughts about why he disappeared that night but he doesn’t like talking about the past as it’s been and gone! He still maintains that he went into work and slept on one of the beds there.

he recently said that the reason we have split is because I’ve changed but he hasn’t.
What he means is you’ve grown up and he hasn’t. You’ve become a parent, he still thinks he’s a single man.

You posted this over the weekend

The thing is, what would change if you were given the 'true' answer of what happened in the bed shop? Would you believe it or not? What if the answer he has given you IS the truth?

I had a similar thing when I split from my ex. I was (and TBH still am to this day) convinced that ex was unfaithful during the end of our marriage and left me for his current partner. He has always maintained he didn't cheat and she wasn't why he left.

I went through it all in counselling and decided that it wasn't about whether or not he was cheating. It was about the fact that his past behaviours made me doubt everything else he said and that I could not trust anything he said. It doesn't matter if I get the answer I want or not (which is what I really want, not the truth). It wouldn't make me trust him and wouldn't make me take him back. So what does it matter really.

I hope that helps you somewhat OP.

Those were exactly my thoughts too.

I'd also suspect he was at the bed shop with another women.

All else asside, you don't need to justify leaving him. You can leave someone for any reason you like. Or Heck, even no reason at all. Because it's your life and you get to decide who is in it.

I certainly wouldn't want to be with a man with a temper either.

What???? He must really think you're easy to fool and take advantage of. The relationship should have ended with the sex texts to his ex. You can't trust a man like that.

I'm shocked he actually thought the story he gave was plausible, cheeky fucker. It's bullshit. He sounds like an idiot. I would be insulted.
What husband would leave their wife in the middle of the night to go to sleep at work? Because they couldn't sleep??? And not tell her, basically sneaking out???

I would tell his boss. He sent that pic thinking he was one step ahead of you because he knew you could track him using the iPad. Nothing triggers me more than people like your husband, those who take advantage of vulnerable people who don't deserve it.

Also who hits a dog without stopping?? I just barely hit a deer once and I stopped to check. It was gone so I think it must have ran away into the trees. He should have reported that as it could have been a lost pet with owners looking for it.

What does it matter what he did that night? We don't know and you never will, either. It just doesn't matter.

Congrats on separating from this guy. Trust is everything in a relationship. The "I need to work early" thing sounded like a premeditated alibi, and you rumbled him. Don't expect him to suddenly tell the truth, and trust your instincts. But to me he sounds horrendous. Don't even start me on the dog thing. Not someone to build a life with.

Why does it matter at this point after separation? You'll drive yourself nuts wondering. He will not tell you.

Walked out on you and child without telling you

Didn't answer your call

Hit a dog and didn't report it

Blamed you for his batshit behaviour

Love, he's not worth one more thought.

Doesn't matter why he did it. He did it.

Let it go, shake him off your shoes and look to the future with your DC.

Could you access some therapy to help you deal with him?

I wanna know about the dog. Was it OK? What did the police say?

Also I would forget it op. The relationship wasn't right or you wouldn't have ended it so either way it doesn't matter about that night

Oh yes, sorry, I’m a first time poster so I wasn’t quite sure what I was doing 😂!

I'm sorry but the drink driving would have been the end for me;it's unforgivable.

I also have to wonder if he was drink driving when he hit that dog and it's why he didn't stop.

I think it's normal to obsess over these moments in a break up - the moments that really justify the break up, and that had the potential to change the course of the relationship. I still obsess over things that DP said and did years ago. The truth is that there is no answer that will set you free or give you the clarity you're after. You already know how you feel about him (you don't trust him) and you are already free. Easier said than done, but try to let it go. Focus on yourself and the things that you have the freedom to do in your new life - including the freedom to stop caring about his behaviour and what it means!

I wanna know about the dog. Was it OK? What did the police say?

Also I would forget it op. The relationship wasn't right or you wouldn't have ended it so either way it doesn't matter about that night

thanks for all your posts, it’s a really good point that even if I did find out, it wouldn’t change anything. I really appreciate the clarity. His parents don’t understand why we’re breaking up and over the summer we had broken up but I gave him another chance, because his mum was so upset that I wanted to divorce her son.

unfortunately the dog didn’t make it. He didn’t stay around to check on the poor thing, he just came home as though nothing had happened 🥲. The first I knew about it was when he owned up to it as the police contacted him as one of the neighbours had some cctv of it happening and got his number plate, he then had to give a statement, go to court and I helped him pay the fine so his parents didn’t find out. I know the pain of losing a dog this way as when I was younger our dog got out on the road and was heartbroken.

The fact that he left an injured animal without bothering to see if he could help or get help for it or even if it was dead to contact the owner if the number was on the collar is beyond callous and despicable.

It also appears he drive whilst over the limit.

Couldn't stand to be in the house with you so went to where he works. Possibly shagged someone in there for an illicit rendezvous.

Stop picking over the remains. All you need to know is that he is a dreadful human being and you are well shot of him.

See the splitting up as scraping shit off your shoe.

Do this man’s values (as per his behaviour, not his words) align with yours?

He seems like a man of low integrity that has issues that he isn’t prepared to deal with. Evidence suggests he is someone who values lying and sneaking about. This is not good partner material. Can you think of other examples of him sneaking (changing time sheet, leaving work early, not being honest if he thinks he will get away with it).

He ran over dog and pretended it didn’t happen. Didn’t say anything until he was caught.
He didn’t want his parents to know - so you paid the fine.
He snuck out at night and didn’t tell you until he was caught.
He text his ex and didn’t tell you until he was caught.

Yet he made vows stating he would be honest etc in front of his friends and family. His words are meaningless. This is not your fault. He is a man who has no integrity. Good people live by their value system. Hit dog, stop and deal with it. This is why I don’t subscribe to unmet needs theory. I do believe he is cheating (or a woman has caught his eye) and rewriting history but that’s because he lacks integrity and values. He is an unsafe partner and you deserve more.

Dont let this affect your self esteem. Write down your values and live by them daily. I believe living by your values is the easiest way to help your self esteem when going through a shit time.
If honesty is a value then be honest. If she asks then Tell his mum why you cannot compromise your values by taking him back.

If compassion is a value then say to his mother (if she begs you to reconsider) ‘he has issues which is a shame I hope he gets help and has a happy life. But I’m not compromising my values as our child is my priority’.

I wish you well op, but you are your priority now. Look after you and do your damndest to keep your self esteem high. You forgave him for the texts and he didn’t accept your grace. He’s a low quality man.

As for him saying ‘you have changed’ I’d agree and say old me wouldn’t have accepted you were texting your ex or left a dog bleeding in the road. You wouldn’t have married that man. So yes you agree you have changed and you will now revert back to the old you.

Presumably You wouldn’t have married this man knowing he was someone who did these things. I bet He hasn’t changed, I bet he was always sneaky.

As for him saying ‘you have changed’ I’d agree and say old me wouldn’t have accepted you were texting your ex or left a dog bleeding in the road. You wouldn’t have married that man. So yes you agree you have changed and you will now revert back to the old you.

Presumably You wouldn’t have married this man knowing he was someone who did these things. I bet He hasn’t changed, I bet he was always sneaky.

This is very true. I think I would have called the wedding off if I’d found out about the poor dog before then. As to the sex texting his ex, I was a bit of fool as he unfriended her on Facebook and said he wouldn’t contact her again (although about a year afterwards I saw a message pop up on his phone from her asking how he was). I had a difficult time when I was pregnant with my son and he said that he was dealing with a lot and shouldn’t have done it. The same year he was hiding the fact that he took an IVA out as he was in loads of debt. This was before we got married but I had spoken to my mum and she made me think that this wasn’t such a bad thing as he was probably embarrassed about it and that he only did it because we found out I was pregnant and he wanted to take responsibility for his actions. Again, I only found out about this as I intercepted some letters from nationwide and confronted him about it.

I agree that his values aren’t compatible to mine and I love the comment Falkenburg made about thinking of the split as like scraping shit off my shoe. I will remember this and use this in my life.

onwards and upwards I saw. Thanks all for your thoughts , it has cemented my thoughts on it.

Oh my gosh!
You paid the fine?

Please ask for that money back. Take him to court if he refuses. He was fined as a punishment and he didn't take the punishment. That dog died and he didn't even pay for his crime.

'I ask that you repay me for covering your fine for running over that dog. It was your punishment to cover, not mine. I helped you at the time as you were worried your parents would find out but the time has long since passed where you should have, in all decency, repaid me'

Seriously fuck letting him make you take the punishment for his crime. If he refuses to pay you back then next conversation you have with his parents, tell them exactly why you left him including about the dog.

He's an icy son of a bitch and I wouldn't be covering for him.

He says He was dealing with a lot. Again not accepting responsibility for his CHOICES. Instead he is making excuses for his poor choices. I only text her because I was stressed. I bet you were stressed too but you chose to remain faithful.

The IVA is yet another example . He lies by omission. He’s only honest if he thinks he has to be honest or when he is caught. He’s not a chap who takes responsibility for his actions. He hid the true him so you married him. So no he hasn’t changed, he’s still deceitful and sly. But now you know who he is. This may be because he doesn’t know who he is or he may hate to be seen as the bad guy. But whatever he isn’t partner material (for anyone).

You are well rid of this man.

There’s a book called ‘women who love too much’ and another called ‘how to help your spouse heal from your affair’ and ‘not just friends’. You may think the last two are not relevant and in a way they aren’t as you aren’t reconciling but they may give you insight into cheaters thought processes so you can avoid red flags in the future. Gottmans work is excellent too. Knowledge being power after all!

Look after yourself, all the best.

If women keep paying for their partners crimes, then we are being punished for what they do and they have no consequences. I think we automatically want to help people we love but it's not really helping them if it means they wind up thinking they are immune to the law of the land.

What an absolute lowlife to go shagging someone in a bed shop. He’s like a farce of a man. If he wasn’t lying it’s actually kind of worse? Either way he’s either a cheater, or a sad weird little man who would rather play computer games in an empty bed showroom than be at home with you.

Tosser.

Also you can reinforce your certainty about this by imagining yourself growing old with him. You needing to be driven to the opticians or something and him driving you there under the influence, mowing down a bunch of squirrels, and then pretending he has to go and apply for his OAP bus pass in an empty branch of Ann Summers while you’re asleep.

Eek the thought of growing old with him scares the crap out of me! He definitely would just be a drunk driving, lying, cheating piece of work.

so many more incidents have come into my head. I recall having a panic attacks a few years after we’d got married due to stress and as it happened during the night, I asked for his help. He got angry with me and told me to go downstairs. I asked if I should call an ambulance and he told me to stop being silly. I then drove myself to hospital to get some help and he stayed in bed sleeping. Later that day, my friend, who was working in london, left the office to come and be with me in the hospital, he just went to work and took our son to school. He was acting like he was embarrassed and said that we shouldn’t bother our parents as it’s not fair on them to get them to look after our son. Saying this out loud makes me realise what a complete toxic, Narcissistic, nasty person he really is. Surely if your wife is struggling you’d drop everything to help. My best friend hates him for not being there for me.

I feel like I’ve been hoodwinked by his lies and omissions the whole time and should have thought things weren’t right when I put our wedding back a year because the trust was broken again at that point. I’ve had counselling and one of them said I should leave but at the time I didn’t want to hear it! It’s amazing what some of us women will put up with before it gets to breaking point!

I am going to learn to let it go so that we have a civil relationship for our son’s sake.