anyones husband needing to find themselves 50+ ?

[Sophie2024]

Im exhausted : ( hubby for past few years had 2 breakdowns, depression , anger issues emotional mess at times . is this a age related issue in men in there 50's ? i supported him 100% through everything even after one episode so bad he stayed away for nearly 6 weeks , he resisted help , medication , councilor ect . we have 6 kids in total 3 under 11 , as we do i just got on with things and put a smile on , never showed any resentment and started each day a new. eventually he felt we needed to move to a rural area and have a slower pace , which was REALLY hard for me as we left a beautiful house and moved to a tiny old tired house , again i made the best of it and its now a tiny loverly house , he has always struggled with decision making , planning ect not that uncommon . since moving area / kids school we have been really happy and planning home improvements to give us abit more space , which he has been 100 % involved with. I had one moan at him ( didnt raise my voice ) yes i over reacted to situation and he lets everything out , IM controlling , dont listen , dont involve him in descions , and he feels like my subordinante and weve only been OR I have only been happy coz hes kept his mount shut all this time , he needs to find himself , doesnt know his purpose , needs his freedom !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i so fed up of this crap . i said ( literally ) listed all the good things he has and has achieved , and what annoys me is i always support his decisions , hobbies ect , he doesnt have to work , has a disposable income , loving family. i feel like ive been having a faux relationship and feel very stupid tbh , dust settled and i said look , i am who i am , i am what i am , if im controlling i cant help it but hes not perfect either , def some narsasistic traits ( only some ) , but im so pissed of and fed up and thinking OMG how long is this gonna last , i guess hes depressed again but wont seek help or go on medication , i dont want to be his mental health nurse or councillor any longer , so we discussed me moving AGAIN ( seperating )! and he didnt even seem bothered or show any emotion , just pointed out it would be a long car journey to school as i refuse to move them now there settled . sorry for the essay but i feel like im going abit mad , any advice or similar experience greatly recieved

This is not normal for a man in his 50s. He's the one who is controlling this relationship.
What do you want? What would make you happy, because I see you appeasing your DH, but not yourself.
It's ok for you to look after yourself, away from his madness.

This

Sounds like it would be better if he moved out to 'find himself'......whatever that actually means🙄..... tell him your releasing him and giving him his freedom to do just that and enjoy a peaceful life with your kids👍 I had an equally unstable husband for 30 years until eventually I'd had enough, life is much better without the stress.

thank you for reassuring me im not going bonkers , i get we all change as people through our life but to throw a family away is just unthinkable X i did say to him your very ungreatful which didnt go down well but ho hum , he said hed move out but then im still living in his house in an area i know no body , thank you for giving me a place to offload X

No not normal. Why is he not working? Great that he can afford it but working is not just about earning money. It helps with purpose, social interaction and keeping busy to stop excessive rumination. Do you think working would help? Even volunteering a couple of days a week might make him feel better...

I'm confused. Why are you living in his house and why are you discussing you moving out? He should be moving out while he decides what he actually wants to do with his life.

Omg yes I could've written that , I've explained to him countless time how self esteem and and sense of purpose comes in part from feel like you have achieved something and can be met through work, groups , volunteering whatever works for him . I feel 80% fulfilled being a mum and the rest needs to come from work and I feel a little lift and sense of self work after I've done a shift . Makes such a difference,

We've had another conversation this morning and I made the point of he doesn't communicate how he feels regardless of my reaction, then it's not a true deep relationship as we both need to break the loop I guess or habit we seem to get into ... He said couples councillor wil help , but I feel very strongly he needs to go to councillor first before we do it together because in all honesty I'm happy and content with my life and our relationship, I told him I don't need or even question my sense of purpose as I'm happy in my own head . I always said 2 years you've been saying you will have councillor and you have dragged us with you along your ups and downs , I'm exhausted and tired 😩

Because it's a inherited house from his parents , I don't want to be here if we're not together ,it's in a tiny village in a area I dont know , we have a previous house currently rented for past 10 years which I can return to , even though that's inherited too from his family but least I know area and house and it's familiar for me

If you're married op it's your house too

100% but we have another house I can move to x

He is leaning on you way too much

Do what works for you and those 6 kids

Then he can make his own decisions

So he uprooted you and 6 children’s lives just for him! I wouldn’t have agreed to be honest and when he says he is going I would be saying go on then. Don’t pander to him any longer.

Wow i think i might be depressed with 6 kids living in a tiny old house, you need to rethink this whole thing.

Ah- we have the bored rich kid here without any purpose- !! Trust fund type-you get it a lot in certain areas- they don't have a focus or drive so are never ever satisfied- my friend is with a guy like this- changes his mind every 3 months- she is beginning to get really peed off now the reality has set in of day to day

This is really interesting.

6 children, quite a lot, I guess it's easy to have them when you know there is a big pot of gold at the end of the grandparents rainbow.

I m curious as to which partner wanted the large family, was that part of the spoilt, bored, privileged life, did the husband want regular injections of excitement and drama?

OP : what will make you happy in the long run?

Maybe the goal will be to return to the city dwelling in time?

he stayed away for nearly 6 weeks , he resisted help , medication , councilor ect .
Sometimes when you have this combination it is because the person in question is actually having an affair. They don't want to speak to a counsellor as they know exactly why they are pining and torn. I realise this is the "typical Mumsnet" response, but it is still one possibility worth considering, if relevant.

He sounds like a spoilt brat.

Who looks after the children while he s off navel gazing?

What would happen if the OP needed 6 weeks off, would he step up to the parenting duties?

So , today i did it , actually got the guts and say it , told him i love the bones of him coz i do , but i cant watch him have another breakdown and dont understand how or what hes missing searching for in his life , told him he should have committed to councillor 2 years ago when this shit started or stop being stubborn and go on medication , nobody will judge him or even know , i said we need some time apart to break this cycle ( his issues but sounded kinder ) he kept using words like oh so its long term and permanent i stopped him and said stop using those words , im not so please dont you , that i cant watch him struggle , and made it clear i was not looking forward moving , had no plan to start again and was not looking forward to it , and basically left the conversation with im exhausted and tired left it there , i know deep down this is best for me and the kids and your all right i need to do the right thing , makes me sad hes not really fussed or fighting for us : ( but then men dont always show how there feeling i guess X

How are you today OP?

I still think he is spoilt and his lack of engagement is part of his depression and partly smugness. All the houses, money seems to come from his side, he can do what he wants, he can drop the rope if he wants because there are endless supports available for him. He doesn't have to fight for anything, because everything has been handed to him on a plate.

If he is bored, his family wealth will attract another woman to entertain him, despite his parenting responsibilities.

Entitled, spoilt men, they are everywhere.