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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I subconsciously trying to get “the ick”

12 replies

Lkiopkl · 09/01/2024 17:02

I went through a very sad break-up in 2022, which has been hugely difficult to get over due the complexity of the break up for reasons I don’t want to go into here. I have been doing many things to try and move on and live my life. I’ve done some dating in the past six months, and mostly just found the guys boring or just for casual purposes, and I’ve had no interest in making a big effort in meeting someone as I am fundamentally not going to “settle” for the sake of it. However, recently I’ve met a really nice guy who really makes me laugh and who I do find attractive. We’ve now met 5/6 times. He’s really lovely, and has even been doing lots of nice small gestures. He’s also been talking about me meeting his mates.

ive found myself starting to feel terrified that if I properly consider this guy, then this is me letting go of my ex forever. However I do know I need to do the latter. At the same time, I’ve found myself noticing small things about the new guy that gross me out. These are really not big deals and I know they aren’t- and I’m wondering if it is my subconscious trying to deliberately close me off to him and not give him a chance?

i don’t really know what I’m asking for here, but I guess others’ experiences of meeting someone new after a big break up, and if anyone experienced similar doubts/internal closing off.

OP posts:
PiggieWig · 09/01/2024 17:05

What kind of things? Somethings you can get past, others are genuinely ick worthy. It’s hard to say whether you aren’t ready or if he’s just not for you

Coincidentally · 09/01/2024 17:05

Similar here. Getting attention from nice men but pushing them away. Sorry no setup advice but keen to hear what other posters advise you x

idontlikealdi · 09/01/2024 17:07

I've been through similar, don't think about it as the ick but my walls were firmly up and very high. It took a long time to let them be broken down and I don't think I ever have 100% although happily married now for 16 years. It's self preservation imo.

Olika · 09/01/2024 17:07

It really depends on what these little things are.

Lkiopkl · 09/01/2024 17:09

@PiggieWig Honestly stupid things - the way he eats and the smell of his beard and other minor things. I distinctly remember noticing things about my ex too which I didn’t love when we started dating, but obviously they just become part of a person you love

at the same time he has done now a few really lovely - but not lovebombing or anything - gestures - and I’m barely acknowledging them. I feel so bad about it

OP posts:
Lkiopkl · 09/01/2024 17:11

I’m going to go to therapy about all of what I’ve been through, so it might help, but I was wondering about similar experiences. He does also know about my ex and some of the complexities so I could probably have a fairly honest convo with him about me having walls up ((without me being stupid and listing things I dont like)

OP posts:
Flash15x · 09/01/2024 17:24

I think once you get the ick it's hard to let it go. And suddenly everything becomes an ick.

Maybe you just aren't ready and that's fine, if your questioning things maybe now isn't the right time. You'll know when it is x

PhoenixFelix · 09/01/2024 17:27

Lkiopkl · 09/01/2024 17:09

@PiggieWig Honestly stupid things - the way he eats and the smell of his beard and other minor things. I distinctly remember noticing things about my ex too which I didn’t love when we started dating, but obviously they just become part of a person you love

at the same time he has done now a few really lovely - but not lovebombing or anything - gestures - and I’m barely acknowledging them. I feel so bad about it

Smell is pretty important though, especially if you're turned off by his.

SamW98 · 09/01/2024 17:46

I agree with a PP that if you’re looking for smell things to give you the ick then maybe you’re not quite ready for a relationship yet and need to bit more time on your own before you date.

CrapBucket · 09/01/2024 17:48

Doesn’t sound like you want to be in a relationship?

Lkiopkl · 09/01/2024 18:50

CrapBucket · 09/01/2024 17:48

Doesn’t sound like you want to be in a relationship?

Yes maybe that is the case. I was hoping it wasn’t as it’s been almost two years since my break-up now, but I guess I need more time.

OP posts:
Flash15x · 09/01/2024 19:05

There's no timescale on when you should be ready. Some people are married and meet new people after a split within a few months, others take years and years.
You'll know when it feels right ❤️❤️

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