Really hoping someone can help me or hand hold. This may be a little jumbled.....
Me and dh have been together 8 years, married 5, 2 dc that are not his (he has known them since toddlers.) Our relationship has been up and down since the first year. He doesnt do any household chores, just cooking which he enjoys, the laundry piles up, the house gets filthy, he hired a cleaner for a few weeks then cancelled it as he said they didnt do a good job.
We have had three separations in 4 years, his temper and sulks that last for hours have killed so much of the (massive) love I had for him at the beginning. We have had sex about 4 times in the past year and neither of us initiate or even kiss anymore. I think he would, but i don't feel desired. He has a short fuse. Games in his spare time, for hours, and this is all he does with the dc. We don't argue as much as we once did and have had almost a year of counselling in the past but if we clash over things like parenting (often.. he is strict and pretty rude to them, never plays with them or takes them out but expects perfect behaviour), things happen like last week when he said to me and dc "I'm sick of all of you" and stormed off, shut himself in our room for hours only coming out to berate me. I cant forget about how he used to act when dc were small, shouting at them, not comforting them, and then getting angry at me if I intervened. But he has also been good in a lot of ways - funny, up for adventures, a good provider for all of us which is selfless in a way as they are not his dc. His family are great to us. He still feels familiar, which I worry i am mistaking for love.
I had an EA because I was desperate for someone to pay attention to me (yes, i know it was very wrong) and he wanted to stay together but says he's still angry about it, and brings it up as his reason if he's ever angry. I've tried to talk about divorce/separation and he just cries or is spiteful. I have terrible abandonment problems and panic attacks associated with that, going back to my parents DV and rocky marriage/divorce. I cant live like this. He starts shouting rows with me in our room when i wake up or want to go to sleep, where he uses the f word (as one of my dc said to me, they were on the other side of the door and heard it). He hates my family and they hate him too. Then he will be nice and say he loves me and wants us to be happy together forever. I know at this point it will never work out that way. Except maybe if i changed completely. I'm mid 30s and want another baby, perhaps, but not with him. I want happiness and peace but we have never really had that. He has called me a narc, a sociopath, all kinds. Its like he hates or loves me or resents me. I still get physically anxious if he seems like he is in a mood, or comes into the room angrily.
He is a high earner. I earn literally a quarter of what he does although I work FT. I have health issues which make it unlikely for me to retrain. Dc dad disappeared and doesnt pay child support to me. Financially i would be stupid to leave my husband for any reason except maybe physical violence. Thats how it feels.
The other night I rented a short let near dc school using my secret savings. He has no idea. Today i picked up the keys. I sat in the quiet flat and pictured us there, in this tiny 2 bed flat, and felt so scared, and sad. Now i'm back home and dc are playing and H made dinner as usual and it's familiar and I can have a nap and forget how unhappy I am. I cannot imagine telling dh i was leaving. It feels so terrifying, so final, the thought of it makes me panic.After i had the EA and confessed to H (very quickly), i realised i have become completely unable to be honest and say how i feel or what I want. I think our marriage has helped shut down communication entirely. Even though i dont think he would stop me, i just cant do it. Is that because i still love him on some level? Is it me being selfish, thinking about money and stability? Part of it is and I feel like shit for that.
I have a new place just down the road. WHY can't I leave. I'm so scared that I will be stuck in this forever. We are both unhappy. Surely the money doesn't make up for that, for dc's childhoods. Or does it? I just don't want to fail them.
Why can't i just talk to him and leave? Or why can't I just snap out of this and accept what we have? We have a home, a life, no real money worries. Isnt that what everybody wants? What am I thinking? I feel like a mad woman renting a place and then not even going there.