Would these be a marriage breaker

[outyonder]

I'll list them

Husband and me been together 25 years
Married for 6
Two children aged 9 and 15
He's a high earner works away
I'm stay at home mum to give consistency ( youngest is additional needs ) redundancy 4 years ago and husband taking job away

We agreed to him going away for two weeks abroad without us to visit family , he's just informed me it's now 25 days because he's tagged something else on
Not with family just him

For Christmas he bought me some silver earrings reduced to £20 in the sale ( they are pretty non descript tbh ) he's bought his 18 year old niece a Lancôme gift set at £70

He's now arranged for his parents to visit us the last weekend before he goes away on his holiday , we discussed it and I said it would be nice to have a family day / meal out before he goes away so no because his parents are v high maintenance, don't interact with the kids and our eldest starts mocks the next day . They will be with him for 2 weeks while he's away .

Last week he quizzed me where " all the money was " I only spend his money on food . If we eat out I insist on paying for myself or refuse to go . I have my own cash from a rental property , it's only £400 but it's enough for me .

Yesterday he told me he wasn't going to buy a prom dress for our eldest as it was too expensive

He is spending thousands on this holiday for himself

I'm so mad I can barely speak to him

My not working has provided him with freedom from parental responsibility to pursue his dream job
I did this because I loved him , he was very different 5 years ago .
I didn't throw my career away . I had a niche specialist career in the nhs that I couldn't replace without retraining . This came at the same time of our daughter needing extra support .

I think his behaviour and attitude are disgusting, OP. You're parents and partners. So you should be a team.
I've been in a near identical position to yours. DH and I have had all manner of issues. Working through a crisis now actually.
But whatever money we've had has always been "ours" regardless of its source.
His career progression and my supporting of DC (with some serious additional needs) have been equally important contributions to our family.
Neither would've happened without the other.
I'd go stratospheric in your situation. How dare he!

He doesn’t respect you the kids or what you do for him or the family. Your just the worm at home who doesn’t work.
£70 for his Neice and no prom dress for his dd .
He has no interest im
your life together he’s leaving for nearly a month. He didn’t consult you because you don’t “work”
I wouldn’t consult him when I applied for divorce .
Have the paperwork on his desk for his return

Still not telling us how it benefitted you?

It’s obvious how it benefitted him!

Did you miss the bit where the OP said that one of the dc has additional needs?

Because I disagree and put forward an alternative viewpoint?

I was thinking he sounds very mean. £20 for a reduced pair of earrings if he's a high earner and he buys his niece a gift over 3 x more expensive. I think that shows how little he thinks of you tbh. He clearly thinks little of your DD too. To deprive her of a nice prom dress is shocking. Does he want her to wear a cheap looking dress? I'd be getting a job and buying her one myself. I'd talk to him and if he doesn't improve I'd go for a divorce. Get all your ducks in a row, as so bank statements, both his and your latest pension documents. Any details of Amy other bank accounts, mortgage statements, ISA's, premium bonds etc he has. Go and see a solicitor before you challenge him, just so you know where you stand.

@Hatenewyear why do you have to work to be independent? My husband works and is a high earner but he is by no means independent. Nor am I (as a part time worker). We are a team and both dependent on one another to successfully navigate the balance of family life and careers.

If I left my DH the cogs just wouldn't turn. His life would fall to sh*t and he wouldn't be able to continue his role as he does now. Same goes for me!

I don't believe anyone is independent if they are married and have a family. They may be financially independent but that's all.

What the fuck?

Thankyou for all the thoughts . I can't say anything to redeem him
At least with him being away a month I can start to do some searching for documents and speaking to a solicitor without him being aware .

OP, in your shoes I'd strongly suspect an affair. Do you know exactly where he's going when he's on his own. It sounds as if he's checked out of the marriage, and spending a lot elsewhere - hence all the emphasis on not spending at home.

Far better to leave him now then to put up with this nonsense for another 10 years and find yourself in your 60s and not being able to stand the sight of him.

As you say, you have time now while he is away to get all your ducks lined up.

How do I even find the info I need

He's self employed and has a business account , he transfers money into joint account monthly to cover bills

I don't know anything about his finances

If you are a SAHM you should be getting a decent allowance from him as otherwise you are working for free, say this to him and see what he says, his response should affirm in your mind whether you should stay or go

I think you take his parents staying as an opening for you to take two days at a friends before he goes, you can think. Could you get a job again? He is obviously not worth hanging onto.

I don't think it's unusual to see goals as shared in a couple or family. Over time, it seems each has taken the 'lead' with work and family, and at this time Outyonder is working in the home and providing support for her DCs and DH. Yes, they may have got to a difficult place, but there's nothing to say the same wouldn't have happened if roles were reversed or both were working.

i wouldn’t live like this.

See a solicitor while he is gone and give him marching orders when he is back from his long holiday.

absolute arsehole and poor excuse for a husband and father.

This is awful, Op. Mean, tight and nasty. I would strongly suspect that he has checked out of the marriage, possibly in dire financial straits and/or affair. Get snooping and find out everything you can.

If he’s self employed company house for accounts so he can’t say he’s earn very little for the maintenance claim.

most things are on line nowadays.

there is a form to fill in once separated for all money but he could lie on that so you have to have a SHL that knows their stuff