If you did couples counselling...

[Reflags42]

How did you select a therapist?

I wrote recently about finding out that by husband was secretly sexting an ex. It didn't progress to anything in person but its still a big betrayal and a whole lot of other tiny betrayals that go along with it so I'm still figuring out my way forwards.

He seems genuinely remorseful and has taken full accountability for his actions. We've discussed issues in our marriage that have been contributing factors but he's entirely accountable for his decision to behave in the way that he has.

He's started counselling without any request from me that he do so and he seems to be taking all the steps that I'd want him to take to attempt to rebuild trust such as putting my name on our mortgage, cutting all contact with her, volunteering all his passwords, telling people the truth about what he's done to save me any embarrassment etc. However its just so very very hard and I'm up and down like a yoyo. Normally my advice for anything like this would be to walk so I'm very aware I'm going against my own advice by deciding to believe his remorse and work at things to try and find a better way forward. The fact we have a small child is a big factor in this.

He's requested couples counselling which I am absolutely on board for. My question is really, how to choose someone suitable that can explore issues while holding him to account? And at what point are we best doing this? Do I wait a while until the dust has settled and we've both done some individual counselling, or are we best trying to delve right in now in the hope that a counsellor will be able to help us navigate this absolute mess? I feel like I have one good day where I can keep busy and feel a little hope and then the next day I'm back on my ass, crying all over the place and feel I can never trust him again and so deeply hurt. I never in a million years thought he'd betray me.. anyone who knows this is so shocked because its just so not in fitting with who he is (or was).

I've no idea how things will pan out but for now I intend to work hard at it while also making sure I build up to having my own back financially.

You sound like you're both doing the right thing. Look for therapists online on the BACP website or counselling directory website that are near enough to see in person, and pick 5 that eork with couples and call them. Go with one you get a good feeling for. I think as long as you both like the therapist it's fine. You don't have to click as well as with your personal therspist to do good work.

I have done couples counselling, but it was on the NHS, which is rare. Highly effective in convincing me to get the hell out of there.

I'm a bit concerned about you wanting them to hold him to account, because I don't think they'll do that. I know it's infuriating, and when I did it all I wanted was for them to hold a mirror to my dp and say "how can you think this is OK, you abusive twunt" but most therapists won't do that.

Best of luck.

I googled them as suggested above and had a couple of conversations before choosing and went with who I liked the approach of better

I went to relate.

I guess what I mean by that is just that to me, there's the issues in our marriage that need addressed, there's compromises that probably need to be made and communication that we need to learn how to do better in order to move forward, but at the same time his decision to 'escape' our issues by sending her inappropriate messages is seperate and still on him and I'm worried about that being turned around on me and used to absolve him of his accountability and responsibility for his actions.

I totally agree with what you're saying and I know that lots of counsellors don't really understand the full dynamics of domestic abuse at all so they can be more harmful than they even realise. I'm so sorry you didn't feel you were backed the way you should have been.

I guess I just want to make sure we get the right person who will get the most out of us in that respect.

Thanks all for the recommendations.

Does anyone have any thoughts on when is the best time to actually start the counselling? IC first or do them together?

rleate did a session each first to discuss what we each wanted and our relationship history. Then one together.

(TL;DR, we did the joint therapy first)
Gottman couples' therapy is good. We did an intensive (expensive!) weekend of Gottman joint therapy about 6 weeks after D Day.This was at H's request, as I had a breakdown. And he frantically wanted comfort for me and hope for us both. I was destroyed. One of the starting points in our joint therapy was that H WAS held to account. Not in a shaming or aggressive way, but he had to agree to make a full disclosure of what he'd done, so that I could have a fully informed choice on whether to continue.Our therapist referred to it as "falling on your sword". Told me that if my H didn't wholeheartedly commit to this, I should assume his remorse wasn't strong or real enough. As it was, I discovered he'd genuinely already done this of his own volition on our "D Day" which gave me some reassurance as I only discovered a couple of minor details during the therapy and accepted that he had actually been being truthful since that horrific day. After that we started invidually. I already had a psychologist but H researched his own as he wanted someone with proven experience in his particular behaviour of infidelity. Not a general pat-on-the-head but a real untangling of why he'd done what he did. He says it's intense and confronting. He's done 14 sessions so far and hasn't missed a week despite him having serious problems with a dying parent. He's prioritising me and the marriage.
The joint Gottman therapy definitely kick-started something. Mainly my realisation that H was serious about doing everything he could.
But I would say it's the individual therapy since that's helping my H crystallise his thoughts.
He's done a 180 from Day 1 and is doing everything he can to atone and start creating trust. Atonement is a key theme in the Gottman method.
Obviously he's not perfect. There have been a few rows where he's been defensive but that's only happened when I've flung the kind of words at him that I don't think a saint couldn't clap back on. 90% of the time he's taken my fury, obsessive questioning and tears etc on the chin.
As a result my need to question, accuse, sob, rage etc has reduced. Quite significantly over the past month now I think about it.
I'm starting EMDR next week for the flashbacks. I've used it before after my son's death so i do know it helps with triggers and flashbacks caused by trauma. Doesn't change your feelings but takes away the blind panic.
I recommend it.
But I'm only six months in and it's going to take me ages to get past this (and that's if I ultimately decide I want to).
H is like a different bloke. He's always been kind and thoughtful in the practical ways. But the secrecy, the closed off emotions and deceit have vanished.
He's attuned to my moods and asks how I'm feeling and if I need to talk about anything. It's actually a headfuck if I'm honest.
Would be easier if he wasn't trying so hard as I'd have no compunction in kicking him out.
That's an essay but I felt for you so much, I wanted you to know you're not alone in the emotional turmoil you're going through. The details of my story are different to yours but my feelings are the same.
I've been married 25 years and discovered H's behaviour stems from an addiction. I've a lot of decisions to make.
The hurt is visceral isn't it. Look up Betrayal Trauma if you don't already know about it.

I’d just do individual counselling, and not bother with couples counselling, tbh

The best counsellors I've had were women who have experience of working with survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. They just understood my perspective and my experience of the relationship. Just an idea, but maybe you could look for a counselor with that sort of experience who also offers couples counselling? I don't know what area you're in but if it's Midlands or you're happy with online I could send a link to an excellent counsellor.
Good luck, and I'm sorry you're in this position xx

I wouldn't jump in to couples counselling too soon, and especially not just because he wants it to happen soon.
I would get your own individual counselling first.
If you're both prepared (ESPECIALLY him) to do some really hard work in session and between sessions, couples counselling will help with repair/reconciliation etc, but there are no shortcuts. I imagine he wants to feel absolved fast, and you want the pain of betrayal to go away fast, but not even the world's greatest, most skilled and experienced counsellor can expedite that process. It is a process and the only way through it is to go through it. The priority is for you to feel safe, so that he can begin to learn ways to earn back the massive amounts of trust that he's thrown away.
I second the above poster's suggestion of Gottman-trained therapists when you do decide to go down this path.

I would have individual therapy first. It’s far too raw to have couples now. Also use a psychologist rather than psychotherapist. There are good psychotherapists but it’s pot luck, we had two for couples and it was awful. I would second EMDR, it really has saved my sanity.
it takes a long time to process and whatever your decision there are very difficult emotions. There is no hurry, you have no choice but to go through it, and can decide whatever you like at a later point when all is calmer.

Somewhere like Relate if in England would be good- a lot of experience in relationship work and affairs etc. Many will be jointly trained in individual work and some may split to individual sessions if they identify work needed. I used to have an initial brief session to get the basis of why a couple were coming (30 mins fact finding, not much therapy- but was clear about that when making appt) then individual sessions each in same week…then decide on format eg 2/3 couples sessions followed by 1 individual session and when we would review… and then be led by what came up. If it was apparent that one half of the couple needed extensive individual work I would refer them on to a colleague as I always kept a balance- seeing each half of the couple the same number of times.
If your H is seeing a counsellor already then you could start couple work @Reflags42 and just be open to it helping you both. In couple work the relationship itself is seen as an entity and you and your husband as separate but contributing entities. It’s quite a technical process… and don’t be afraid to ask what your counsellors experience or background is. Your relationship with them is key to it working- and it’s it isn’t a good fit, don’t be afraid to say so. This is why Relate is good as they may have several counsellors to choose from. Good luck. I would always say CC is worth a go as even if things don’t work out, it often helps clarify things and lets you know you did try everything etc. so no regrets and generally better communication.

We've tried Relate twice and both times the counsellor was rubbish. Would never use them again

Ha, a friend has just said to me that she would never again try Relate (after decent experiences with other counsellors). Presumably they vary.

Tavistock Relationships are the gold standard for couples therapy. I'm a therapist myself and always recommend them to clients looking to do couples work. I think Relate used to be good but their training isn't what it was.

In my defence I’m not in England- worked for the Scottish equivalent and we were all amazing! 🤩

My husband has just been caught textin our close friend and neighbour on Xmas day (not sexual more emotional) He is suffering from bad depression and depersonalization and getting help for this now.

Its brutal, utterly brutal. We start couples therapy next week. Im broken to the point of I don't know what to do or what the future holds. But just thought Id say I understand the pain OP. Feel free to message me and Ill let you know how we get on.

Hope you are ok

I don't doubt it for a minute 😂

£60 to be told to talk to each other when we're not tired and we've had something to eat, and advised to hold a cuddly toy when we speak so that we don't argue. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

When I split from ex he was originally on board with couples counselling but soon changed his mind. I went to Relate on my own instead and one session totally changed everything for me, it was the best thing I did for myself.

Really good to figure out your own feelings before discussing them as a couple I think.

If you could both commit to doing six months individually and then find someone to work with together you'd get more out of the couples counselling and both be on a more even playing field.

I have just started couples counselling as my partner has also been inappropriate with women. I found someone with decent qualifications who is fairly local to me. I also made sure that they specialised in betrayal on their list of what they cover as that’s obviously how I feel.

We have our second session tomorrow. The first one was essentially us discussing what happened - mainly me explaining how betrayed I feel. I was planning on doing individual first, but the therapist suggested it would be better to do couples if that is the immediate issue, which makes sense. However, I am finding that I may need individual also - maybe even with a different therapist - to work out my feelings myself and decide what I want to do.

My only advice is really think what you want him to do to move you both forward and gain the trust back but also what you need from therapy - especially if it dominates your thoughts. I know for me I don’t want to live a life of distrust but the fact I found what I found myself means he didn’t exactly confess which makes it worse in my eyes!

1. Sorry this happened to you.
2. I am going to echo other posters who are saying that you should get individual therapy too. Go along to the couples therapy that your DH wants you to, but not at the expense of focusing on individual therapy for yourself.
3. You need to think about what you want to get out of both couples and individual therapy. When selecting our last couples therapist (our THIRD! The first was with Relate...) to deal with issues arising from my ILs and my eventual decision to go v low contact, I specifically asked therapists whether they would consider it a positive goal for me to re-establish contact with my ILs. This was as I needed a therapist who considered that option to be neutral AT BEST, and to not join in the chorus of 'but it's his MUUUUUM' bullshit. There is also a tendancy for couples therapists to want to preserve the primary relationship, particuarly in infidelity cases, and consider it a 'success' if you stay together. You need to think about whether this really is your primary aim or whether if things really weren't going well would you want want a therapist who would spell out that it is an option to end a relationship that isn't serving you, or indeed your DH?

@User1789 that's a good point, I do want to stay together but not at the expense of any of our wellbeing and only as long as we are able to be our best selves especially for our son. I'd rather be single than miserable in a relationship as I've tried that before and it just didn't work.

I can avail of individual counselling through my work so I start that next week, was also intending to ask the counsellor if they'd want me to do CC or if they'd prefer I wait. I'm currently of the mind that dh has some issues he probably needs to work through in IC before we get to CC to help him get used to communicating in that way and to identify and better manage some issues he's got going on and then see how we can move on positively either together or separately.

@user1471886287 I'm so sorry that you're also going through this. I also found out on Xmas day and it was awful timing with all the socialising. Wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's actually similar in a way, I do think dh is depressed and burnt out completely from how he's been talking (even from before i found out) and says he just feels numb to everything all the time and this whole thing was almost self harm ish to push himself to feel something. So I'm not sure ic will be enough and he may need support from the gp as well but I think he needs to try it to see what it's like first. Even just to practice starting to open up about his feelings etc.

@chelsea678 I'm sorry you're also experiencing similar. It's so hard when you catch them out rather than knowing they've at least walked away from it off their own bat in terms of rebuilding trust. It's so hard to navigate taking a chance on giving them small amounts of trust again and not wanting to leave yourself open to bring betrayed again.