Hi long time lurker. Have a changed name as posted in other threads.
I need some advise you lovely people here, is long.
Divorced 5 years after a marriage without affection. He worked away and was never present and when present was working or unavailable emotionally etc. 3 lovely mid teens and a good full time job.
Met a man same age, 46, no kids, no long serious relationships. Together nearly 2 years. Some red flags early on but im a people pleaser and rolled with it, fun, same hobbies, lots of weekend aways and was very generous at the start, lots of love and affection and a huge amount of physical chemistry.
Then i went though a bereavement that affected me badly, work was busy and my children needed me. Mu son was went theough a diagnosis of autism last 6 months. He got offended by any perceived criticism from me, and took every perceived offence personal. However he always had used a lot of banter with me and laughed jokingly at my bad jokes, my weird dancing, said i monopolised conversations, talked too much about my stuff, and said that I was very kind to my children but unkind and harsh to him.
And maybe i was?? I am doubting myself .
When he cooked i washed up and when I cooked i washed up. The small
petty arguments became more and more regular.
He left large puddle on shower floor and i asked him to be careful its an old house. He called it my rules. He refused to take his shoes off for a long time in my house even thought i asked him - he told me the floor was cold . He said when/if we move in the future to a house that is both ours he will not remove his shoes. I have a bit of ocd in terms of cleaning.
I had moved house half way during the relationship and he helped the removal men one day. During an argument later he told me “he moved me “ . But i had paid two removal men, a truck and had two other friends plus myself helping.
He chose the tv programmes and when i did he reminded me of it. Last 6 months he did not ask if i needed anything brought in at weekends ( my children at their dad) and i supplied all food.
He complained i kept him at arms length and did not make him part of my family. On occasions was passive aggressive, made sarcastic comments. When offended or when i brough issues to the table to discuss it would take days to solve, he was selfish and took no responsibility.
Not all was bad - but i am a people pleaser and i start counselling next week. My mum died 5 months ago, i was grieving, working FT in a big job and he complained i dis not want to go out with him to do anything but when my girl friends called me i jumped and went out. He was right, I was getting the ick, the farting, burping, not cleaning after himself, sarcastic comments were taking its toll. He became meaner with money and i think he always thought that deep down i had enough money myself.
I did not break up with him - i wanted to go back to the good times and the love and affection of the beginning. I broke up a few times and quickly became anxious and went back to him saying sorry for having been stressed and upset and not much fun.
He drank too much, once a week he binged drank. On fridays i would fall asleep watching a movie and he joked that i was not much fun leaving him to watch movies and drink. He then broke up with me and i went round to apologise for being depressed saying i was under immense stress and to ask that we refocus the relationship.
That lasted 3 days, he got drunk again and became passive aggressive in my house - i put him in my car ( i was sober) and took him home. I emailed him next day asking for a break of a couple of months to get my head clear and to go through the counselling. He texted me he was done, he was out and he was moving on. I responded saying yes Im done too and i should have left this 6 months ago as not working for me.
I am humiliated and embarrassed that i allowed a selfish, petty and mean man to treat me like this. But - i wonder if me not giving him the time, love and affection while i was grieving/stress from work/kids is my fault and I caused all his behaviours to take place? i also lacked energy and was feeling quietly depressed.
I did not have baundries and ignored red flags. Also have a problem with ending things as have had too many endings lately.
I have a senior professional job and a good life ( he has a desk job he didnt like very much and was studying for a phd) and i have behaved like an idiot and even now feel guilty that i ruined this relationship. Writing this was cathartic - please can you put my mind at rest that the ruining of this relationship was not my fault as embarrassingly Im very upset. Maybe sometimes I got upset that he didn’t tidy up after himself or maybe i was harsh and impatient when i had to tidy his stuff? I was not in a good place last 6 months and i recognise it. However it has really really upset me, I feel totally heartbroken. Thank you