Is this normal behaviour?

[Kdoo]

Hello all. I’m not sure if I’m going mad, or if this should be expected but I would really appreciate your thoughts.

My husband and I have been married 7 years, together 12 and most of the marriage as been a disaster. I’ve stuck it out for my son.

If we ever argue, he states that if it were the other way around, I would be 10 times worse, basically justifying his actions and behaviour by what he thinks I would do it were reversed.

i hate arguments, would rather walk away and be quiet in all honesty. Is it normal for someone to justify their actions in this way?

in answer to your question posed, no.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he learning here?.

Do not stay in such a poor and otherwise abusive marriage for the sake of your son, he won’t say thanks mum to you for doing that. You’re both showing him a poor relationship example and one at that he could well emulate as an adult if you continue to stay together for what are really your own reasons.

He is deflecting.

This is an abuse tactic.

I promise you that your DS will not be having a great time with the knowledge you two only stuck it out for him once he gets older. He will have that hanging over him and be guilt ridden.

Life is not meant to be this hard and life is also short.

The behaviour you describe is abusive.

Talk to someone but most of all do not let your child be the reason you are in a relationship.

Stay away from anybody whose behaviour makes you think you're going mad. Unless you feel like you're going mad in all situations and in all company, then look at the source.

Do you feel mad with anyone else, or in any other circumstances, or is it just with him?

Your behaviour is typical of an anxious attachment style, which is the one that keeps people in situations where they're being abused, because they spend their time trying to 'work out' their abuser, rather than respecting the fact that the relationship feels crap and they need to leave.

if this should be expected

'Should' according to what rules? What guidelines do you think we're all supposed to be following? Who decides what we 'should' and 'shouldn't' do?

It sounds like DARVO to me. Give DARVO a Google.

(PS no, you are not going mad, but you are possibly being manipulated into thinking you are, by someone who is abusive).

Thank you for all the comments. I basically only feel this way with him, I felt for a while he was trying to twist situations to suit him and make me out to be wrong all the time.

over the years, he has had jealousy issues, to the point where I couldn’t watch certain programmes or films due to the men in them. I’ve been accused of cheating on him despite the fact I never went out other than work.

he blames me for everything stating he is too scared to tell me how he feels yet I feel he makes his feelings very clear, if it’s stroops, yelling the lot.

I feel trapped tbh. I don’t think things should be this hard. We havnt been intimate for almost a year, but I’m still the one doing all the household jobs with almost no help from him as once he is in from work it’s the sofa and he stays there till bed.

he is a great dad, sometimes too harsh I feel but devotes so much time to our son I can’t complain about that.

weve lost friends because of his behaviour. It’s so sad

Why are you bothering to stay with this man?
Your son will pick up on everything.

Why can't you separate and co parent? Stop wasting your life.

If he treats you like that in front of your son, I don't think you can say he's a great dad? It's tough but you're worth more, good luck

he is a great dad

No, he's an awful role model for your son.

Great dads are not harsh. How much time does he really devote to his child?.

He is NOT a great dad to his child if you as his mother are treated abusively.
Women in poor relationships often write such as well when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

ALL your words here are those of an abused woman. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. You have a choice re this man, your son does not. Do not stick this relationship out any longer just because of him, it’s no reason to remain with such a man.

That is very very interesting. Thank you.

Well... I think he's trying to do DARVO, but he's really really shit at it 😂

Stop giving headspace to his nonsensical attempts at mind games and put your energies into planning your exit. I know splitting isn't to be taken lightly when there's a child to consider, but this relationship is past the point of no return. However hard you try, you can't create a healthy environment for your son with this man, and you can't show him what a healthy relationship looks like when the other party is an arsehole. The best thing for your son is a clean break and a new start, plus seeing his mother stand up for herself and show that she deserves better than being treated like crap.

He isn't a great dad if he spends all his time on the sofa or having a go at you.
Would you want your son to treat a future partner this way?
Don't stuck it out for him, leave for him.

He is NOT a great dad. This is the response by abuse victims all the time, without their realising that the only thing it indicates is that they are still very much trapped in the spiral of doubt, self-reproach, and justification that comes from living with someone who is a shit.

Your kids are learning from both of you. Be the role model you can be and show them that no-one deserves to be treated in the way you're being treated.

Thank you very much for your comments. I say he is a good father because he spends so much time with our son. He is the football coach, spends hours training with him etc.

when he is home, it’s bugger all in terms of helping me. Yes he prats about with our son but he isn’t helping me at all. It isn’t a partnership if you understand what I’m trying to say