Stages of grief in divorce

[Stuckandunhappy]

I told my husband a couple of weeks ago that I would like to separate, haven't filed for divorce yet.

It's a complex situation, years of emotional abuse from him, chronic illness and mental health issues (him as well), no help with any house stuff, works sporadically, plays computer gamrs all day, two DC. I've just had enough.

Since telling him he at first was in shock and kept guilt tripping me, refused to sit down for Christmas meal for example and was sulking upstairs instead.
He keeps talking about what has gone wrong, asking me lots of questions which I assume is normal. Now he's very teary at times and keeps asking me to sit next to him and hold his hand as 'he wants to have me close before he loses me'.

How should I handle this? Is this him being manipulative? I feel guilty for making him feel this way but then again there just isn't a way back anymore and I have told him that.
Having read about the stages of grief I understand the next stage is for him to get angry. I dread this as he can get very shouty and has got temper. Does anyone have experience on this, is this what happened, did they get very angry before accepting the situation?

He also wants to try marriage counselling. I know it's too late to salvage anything but wondering if it might help with the communication.

Just after any ideas or experiences how to get through the next weeks/months, the atmosphere is awful and I feel really anxious when I am at home.

Hi OP

I know we're in similar situations and have interacted on other posts. I'm a bit further ahead than you, and have seen DH cycle through different grief stages. It's not linear at all- one day/minute/hour he is angry, then shows some acceptance, then back to denial and hurt.
I would say that now, nearly 6 weeks later he is more accepting of the situation but still very hurt and hoping I will change my mind still.
For me, I'm also grieving, even though I instigated this. I'm doubting my decision because of the kids and feeling very low and tearful constantly. I'm also sure there is no way back but I wish there was for the kids' sake. 😢

Hang on there, it's a huge thing you're both going through and there has to be an element of riding it out and pushing through. Keep yourself safe and walk away if he is getting angry- (obviously if it's abusive and you feel unsafe then take immediate action, i.e call police or leave). I have told H I won't speak with him when he's in an angry place because all he wants to do is attack with his words and we can't speak rationally while he's like that.

Take care x

P.s we are having counselling. It's not for reconciliation but to try to get to a place where we can communicate and make decisions about what is best for the kids. I think it's a good idea. The counsellor is able to give a rational perspective which he will listen to, in a way that I can't. She keeps the focus on what is best for the kids and away from blame.
It's hard though especially when emotions are so raw. Happy for you to PM if it helps to chat with someone who is going through something similar 😊 x

Hi @Stuckandunhappy I think you posted on my thread recently, we are in a similar position. Mine was also a complex situation with years of emotional abuse and DH's mental health problems.

It is so so hard being in this situation. My DH has now agreed to move out and has found a rental property that he will move to in a few weeks time. He has been teary, confused and angry. And I agree with @sososadaboutthis that it's not a linear process, the emotions seem to cycle around. Same with me to be honest - at the moment I am feeling so guilty, and devastated about the loss of our family unit. I feel so sad and guilty when I see my DH looking lost and worried - it's awful.

I still love him, but I think it's more the love of familiarity and friendship. Some people have asked how I can still love him when he was so horrible to me at times, but then he was also kind and loving at times (not in the last few years), so I also have confused feelings about that.

But I also have times when I feel a sense of relief - I am looking forward to having space in the house, and more freedom and autonomy.

We went to marriage counselling before and nothing really changed, but I think I am going to contact a divorce mediator to help us through this separation process. I'm hoping they will be able to give some advice on how to talk to the dc about it, guidance on how to share care of the dc. I have said to my DH that I would really like us to be respectful and kind to each other through all this and he agrees, and I think a mediator may help with this.

I really relate to your feeling anxious when at home - it's really difficult. Are you planning to move out, or is he?

Thanks @sososadaboutthis , I remember you from the other conversations. It's such a difficult situation and the guilt is just immense, but unfortunately there is just no way to turn this around. My DH has never been physically violent so not worried about that but fully expecting him to get angry at some point, at the moment he seems to mainly switch between denial/acting normal and tearful/asking questions. I hate hurting him like this, even though he has done a lot of hurtful things in the past and has made me cry many a time, there was still a time when I loved him. Just sadly not anymore. I may PM you, thanks for the offer.

I'm 13 months into a separation just figuring out the legal stuff. I left because my exH was cheating and got caught although he didn't want it to end the marriage - from the off as we've got a kid involved we went to a counsellor to help us be able to communicate and work through everything. It probably took the best part of the year to get there but I'd say now we are fledgling friends. I moved out and into my own house about 6 months after discovery and that definitely helped me and the kid start healing too.

Thanks for the response @Crystalberry. It's so hard being in this situation.
I would also like to do mediation but waiting until I have actually filed for divorce. I spoke to a solicitor last year who gave me details of some solicitor-mediators which I think may be the best way forward for us due to out complex situation.
I have considered moving out but the rents are so high I don't think it makes sense. Also worried if he remained here he would be seen as the main carer for the kids, making my position even worse than it is. The solicitor I spoke with said that due to his illness and limited earning potential he may be entitled to 70% of the equity and some of my pension savings. So unfortunately it's likely we will have to live together for the whole duration of the divorce and house sale, if the latter is something ge even agrees to.
What are you doing about the living situation? I just hate coming home from work at the moment, even though I want to see the kids.

Thanks @WombTangClan sorry to hear the whole process has taken you this long, I really hope it won't be the same for me. Must be such a relief to have your own place, I would love that but renting is so unaffordable and I am also paying the mortgage for the house on my own. Without my income DH would likely be entitled to some UC as he earns so little and has a chronic illness (think he might actually be considered disabled), however worried he would never get around to applying for any, I do all the household admin.
Glad to hear that you and your ex are slowly becoming more amicable, really would like this to be the case for us too one day.

I'm on the other side in that my husband told me a month ago he wasn't happy, then left me last week. We had arranged couples counselling and he embarked on his own therapy, I really thought we could pull through.

I'm in the very early stages and it's almost unbearable. This came out of the blue.

@SoRainbowRhythms so sorry to hear you find yourself in this situation, it must be so heartbreaking. My husband has been really awful to me at times but I still hate hurting him like this, and of course the worst is still yet to come when I/we have to tell the kids about this.

I can imagine. Luckily we don't have kids so don't have that to add on to the pile.

You seem like a really nice person despite what you've been through. I've only ever been loving and supportive of my husband and it's like he's shut off his feelings overnight. This might be a tiny bit easier if I knew he actually felt something.

Mediation rather than counselling is probably best for communication is it still compulsory it was hen I divorced?

@Doggymummar Mediation is much more expensive, but can be the best option if the couple can't agree on arrangements for finances, assets and child care arrangements. If things are relatively amicable you can agree on these things yourself and avoid mediation entirely. You would just need a solicitor to put your agreement into a consent order for the court to consider.
Mediation is £148 per hour and often no agreement is met by the end of the session... Counselling for us is £60 per hour and the counsellor is helping us make decisions together in the session.

This is interesting to me. My husband walked out nearly 2 years ago and has seemed totally unbothered since. No discussion, grief etc. He now has a new partner and she is pregnant. We aren’t even divorced yet. It feels like he never cared

@Stuckandunhappy I totally get what you're saying about rents being sky high, and also that you don't want to move out as then your DH may be seen as the primary carer. And with your particular financial situation, as you say, it sounds like it would make sense to continue living together through the process - but it's not easy, I know.

My DH is moving into a rental property in a few weeks. In my previous thread I said that he was going to move out in the summer after one of our dcs had their exams. However I have been getting so so stressed about the whole situation (it has been going on for a couple of years) - I really thought I was going to have a breakdown. I spoke to him and begged him to move out sooner. To be fair to him, he listened, and agreed to do that, even though he's very sad/angry about everything. I do really appreciate him doing this though.

I really relate to you not wanting to come home from work, I feel like that too, it's like I feel so anxious and stressed as soon as I walk through the door. It's hard as you want to see the dc, so it's not like you can just stay out late or go out and do hobbies all the time.

To the pps saying that their DH seems to have shut off their feelings - it's the same with mine. Whenever he's really sad about this, it's about the dc or the financial situation. I asked him if he was sad about the loss of our relationship but he said no. I have been heartbroken and grieving the loss of our over 20 year relationship, but he seems to have no feelings about it.