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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Miss my old life with cheating husband who is still with girl he cheated on me with

3 replies

Singlemumof2angelss · 07/01/2024 23:47

So this is my first post but just looking for some reassurance and help. I've been split with my husband 1 year 6months after catching him cheat on me with a 22 year old girl and he was 33. We have 2 children and I never seen it coming. I thought we had what I would call the perfect life, we were happy and had a great social life, great family and friends around us, lovely house, went a few holidays every year, we lived very comfortable and I miss this for me but also for my 2 kids who's lives have been turned upside down. My husband is now living with the girl he cheated on me with so there Is lots of resentment there especially towards his gf even though I know it was both of them but ill never be able to accept her and hate the fact she is round my children.
I want it to get easier and I stop missing my old life but its hard. Has anyone been in the same situation?

OP posts:
Wonderingforever · 08/01/2024 02:43

Yes, and he is still with the person he had the affair with. My dd is an adult and she has been part of her life for most of it.

Honestly it took much longer to move on than it should have because I allowed my anger to cloud my life. I focused so much on the unfairness of the situation that I was only existing in my life rather than living it. I felt she had literally stolen my life. All the experiences they were having with my dd should have been mine.

It wasn't until I reached acceptance and focused on what I wanted for me and dd that it started to improve. I had to stop myself thinking about what they were doing, what I felt we should have been doing. I also had to cut all ties with him other than dd. No friendly chats, no talking about each others lifes. Hello, yes no and goodbye. I never had a cleaner more organised house in my life because every time my thoughts went to them I would get up and do something. Other wise I would spiral into thinking of everything they had done round and round again.

I had counselling and took control over my own life. Instead of being miserable when dd was gone I made plans, socialised, studied. Went on our own holidays.

Dated somewhat then met my dh. We married and had more kids.

Honestly I wish I could go back and tell myself to never waste so much time, energy and emotions on someone who didn't deserve me in the first place.

Now I thank god he had an affair because I would have struggled to leave the relationship because I wanted a nuclear family and felt so guilty dd didn't have that.

But we have a great family unit, I have great friends, job, social life and a husband who is honestly the love of my life, is exactly who I needed and we met when I was ready. Any earlier and I would have passed the opportunity up because I was still too focused on what had been.

I use to write and get my thoughts out on paper. I was able to smile, nod and get by because I also decided I didn't want to give them power and control over me any more. My emotions and thoughts, when I felt I had lost so much already.

It's very hard, but I also decided I didn't want to be bitter and angry it was only affecting me. They didn't give a shit...

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/01/2024 08:05

My friends brother did this to his now ex wife. She was so sad at first and they have three kids. Now she has a much younger boyfriend and on the dads weekend with the kids she goes on sexy spa breaks and posts lots of pics of him and is living her best life! This can be you soon

exDHisatwat · 08/01/2024 09:45

@Singlemumof2angelss

I'm in the same situation, been separated nearly 2 years, he's still seeing the OW but refuses to sort a divorce out. We have 2 children (both secondary school age) who refuse to have anything to do with him. I am trying to move on but like you, until I found out about the affair I honestly thought we had a perfect life. I miss our old life and so do our children. I just try to keep moving on, I do lots of fun stuff with my children, go out with friends and have had a couple of dates. I don't think I'm ready for a new relationship yet though.

I'd have found it very hard if my children had been younger and therefore had to spend time with my ex with the OW, so the fact you're managing to deal with that is something you should be proud of.

Have you divorced or started the divorce? I think if I could get that sorted out I'd find it much easier to move on.

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