Marriage and needing to sound off

[RandomWordGuy]

Hey everybody, I’ve been a lurker on the board for a while and have finally got the courage to post. This post is more of a sound off,as I’ve currently got no way to sound off to anybody, so strangers on the internet are perfect for that exact purpose!

A little about my situation, I life up in the north of England, I have three children aged 4,7 and 9 and a lovely wife. Over the past 3 years or so, things seemed to have become a whole lot harder, I know myself and my kids aren’t angels, but my wife seems to be angry all the time and fluctuates all over the show.I love my wife to pieces and she still makes my heart sing.

Yes, if you are wondering, she is peri-menopausal, She is 48. I’ve been with her on that rollercoaster ride from the start, I know what she is on etc. However the rage and fuse length does not seem to have improved, and at the moment the fuse is non-existent.

I know all the “DH’s” appear on here and say they try their best, and it’s a cliche, but I do believe I try my best. I don’t drink, I don’t gamble, I cook dinners, I get the kids ready for school in the mornings, I sort out our pets( A dog), and try and be the best husband I can. I have a kind heart, and just want to make things right for her.

The age old stigma of the man has to suck it up, is very true.We had a bust up over Christmas , as the kids weren’t listening etc. My DW broke down and has said that we never listen or take note of her, and it’s she is invisible.

The problem here is that the kids go into their shells, and I am always walking around on eggshells. So if I say anything it gets turned into something that it was never meant to be and a further row just carries on, due to this behaviour I’ve quite literally become clammed up. I quite literally don’t know what to say in a lot of these circumstances, which fuels things even more.

My DW also believes that we have drifted apart. This is expected to a certain degree, due to kids and work. I try my best to give my wife some affection, and no I don’t pester her for sex, as I realise that HRT etc causes all sorts of issues for that. So I understand that. However she never even gives me a hug, or a kiss when leaving the house,there’s no affection at all. So in terms of being invisible which she claims, am I wrong in thinking it should be a two way street?

I am not looking for answers, I guess I just want to get this off my chest, as I quite literally have nobody to talk to this about. Feel free to roast me if you want. I just wanted to get this off my chest.

I know this is an obvious question, but you tried talking to her?

You say that she says no one is listening to her so say something like 'you seem unhappy a lot of the time and have said no one listens to you. I want you to know that Im here and I am listening - what do you want to say? what do you want to change? ' Then listen to her, whilst resisting the temptation to contradict her and tell her what a great husband you are ;)

You seem to be suggesting that she is on HRT but that doesn't seem to have improved things so maybe her anger is trauma related and she needs counselling?

It's difficult to advise on this sort of thing without more facts but I think the most important thing is to have an adult conversation with her about her behaviour and take it from there. If she refuses to talk to you in that way then you must ask her to listen to you and tell her how her behaviour is affecting you - this may provoke a response from her . . .

Imho - you need to communicate - which is often easier said than done.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

It’s a vicious cycle, because I want to tell her how I feel, but due to the eggshells and short fuse, my emotional side of things has gone into protective mode. You are right, and I just need to bite the bullet and lay it out in the table

Agree with @Toptotoe - you need to have a conversation when there are no distractions and no interruptions.

It maybe that all this is perimenopausal but it sounds like she still needs some help. This might even be time to herself to be someone other than mum/ wife. There comes a time when anyone just feels exhausted with it all.

You mention all the things that you do but not the kids. They are still young but are they too demanding? So they do something if asked ( age related) eg make their bed? Sometimes it’s all overwhelming and and an endless cycle of being overlooked.
it’s possible there is some depression there - anyone can get that it might not be age related

You need to talk to her - no judgement, no interruptions- and believe what she has to say
Then ask what you can do when she is feeling overwhelmed

Not everyone wants to roast men and not everything in life is because of the menopause……sometimes it’s the ridiculous repetition of family life that grinds you down
Good luck

It sounds like you are both trying your best to muddle through but it’s going a bit unnoticed. You feel you’re doing a pretty good job but it sounds like she’d disagree. I’m sure she feels she’s also trying her best but her best isn’t good enough. I agree it sounds like you need to communicate with each other. You seem to express yourself well through writing so maybe write her a love letter listing all the things you love and notice about her and that you’d love to help her to feel heard, to feel better.
While it’s possible this is related to menopause, it’s also possible it’s a whole lot of other things. Personally I hate when men see a woman struggle and say “she must be hormonal”, it fuels my fire terribly. I’m sure you’re not one of those men but just in case … tread carefully. Never in a million years have I ever told my husband to bottle up his emotion and “be a man”. In fact I ask him to do the opposite and show me his real, honest emotion because that raw, true self is what I love the most. You both need to open up to each other in a calm environment away from everything. Good luck

or try listening to her . . .

Thank you everybody. I am going to take a few days, get my head together and sit down and have a talk.

Theres a lot of things that I believe that she doesn’t see as an issue, which I do, however I need to tread carefully as you all say and try and be there for her. It sucks, but when she is happy then the whole house is happy

You cook, do the kids in the morning, sort the dog....

This is good but OP, I have to ask.... are you even aware of what she's doing? Because I know that for me and many of my women friends, it feels like it never ever stops and no one ever seems to notice. Whether that's the "big" things like cooking and cleaning and shopping or the never ending pile of admin tasks - and with 3 young dc that pike will be MASSIVE (school info, iniform, extra curricular, play dates, appointments etc plus the things women often do all the time without anyone noticing - adapting the menu to accommodate fussy eaters or a partner's late work nights etc etc as small examples).

Christmas has just been and gone. My dh helped loads, but at the end of it, one thing that really stood out for me is that no one ever did something specifically for ME. No one surprised me with a lovely thoughtfu gift that I hadn't had to suggest. No one bought me the chocolate I specifically love. No one even brought me a bunch of flowers. I felt a bit sad and invisible.

In the past I have complained to dh because I feel like if I am not in front of him, he's not thinking about me. So he doesn't come out of a shift at work and check his phone to see if I have texted him. He never sees something at the shop and just thinks, "oh, she would like that I will get it for her". He arranges a night out with friends but doesn't think about the complicated plan I will have to make to accommodate that. He's actually much better about this now, but it made me sad for a while until I got him to understand.

I am 6 are a nice guy. You clearly want to do your bit and are thinking about it. But my guess is she is feeling invisible because there are all these things she does and thinks about that just pass you by. And she probably HAS talked to you about it but you just didn't hear or understand it, because to you it's not that big a deal.

Possibly depressed..short fuse /angry/loss of affection/struggling with things/ok some of the time.

I feel you. Peri is sheer hell for the male partner.

Try to make sure she’s on the appropriate meds and treatments from the doctor, but be prepared to be overruled.

Allow yourself to walk away when necessary. Just remember when she’s blaming you for everything it’s not actually your fault. Hopefully it will calm down but it will likely flare up at regular intervals so just be prepared. Try not to let it affect your kids, so don’t get involved in arguments in front of them. Good luck.

Perhaps her behaviour is unacceptable. Normally when a partner and children are made to walk on eggshells it’s not they who are blamed for that.

Does she have outbursts? Sometimes that's how what someone really means comes out.

I used to have loud outbursts - but that's when I would say (in my case) you won't talk about money, you won't share the housework, etc. (which was true). But here's the thing: because of how I felt, I spoke loudly. Ex would just accuse me of SHOUTING and use that as an excuse to switch off/dismiss anything I said. In vain did I say (loudly, couldn't help myself), Listen To The Content Of What I'm Saying.

I am not suggesting she has the same problems as I had. But I noticed that despite the fact of her repeatedly saying something to you, you haven't mentioned the specifics of what she actually said.

My DW broke down and has said that we never listen or take note of her, and it’s she is invisible.

This is important. She is trying to tell you something. Listen and reflect on what you might be able to do (or stop doing).

Once you have listened, be reasonable in your response. Once you have done that, you won't need to do this:

The problem here is that the kids go into their shells, and I am always walking around on eggshells.

As long as you have done all you can, it is not your problem anymore. There is no need to walk on eggshells. Those are hers not yours. Stop doing it and set your children an example.

Have you considered marriage counselling? It sounds like things are strained between you at the moment which may or may not be due to perimenopause (I totally agree this can be a factor but it may not be the whole story). It sounds like you still love her, but clearly something is not connecting for her if she feels that you never listen or take note of her, and there is no physical affection between you. She clearly doesn’t feel seen or considered important by you, even though you say you do see her as important so that’s something you need to work on. Find out what it is that would make her feel seen and prioritised by you.

I take slight issue with your considering yourself to be a good husband because you don’t drink or gamble… I know you went on to say more relevant things but seriously this is kind of a low bar! Imagine if the thread were gender reversed “I try my best as a wife, I don’t drink or gamble…”

I take slight issue with your considering yourself to be a good husband because you don’t drink or gamble… I know you went on to say more relevant things but seriously this is kind of a low bar! Imagine if the thread were gender reversed “I try my best as a wife, I don’t drink or gamble…”

It's a funny list. Like something my grandmother would say. Which makes me wonder if OP has quite a traditional relationship with the wife cleaning and sorting and managing and doing all the children's stuff and the man cooks a bit and drops the kids off, feeds the dog and thinks that's half. With three small children there's a mountain of stuff to do. Just keeping track of all the school stuff is overwhelming.

BUT the real issue is communication. One partner walking on eggshells to avoid conflict, the other exploding because she feels invisible. It's a vicious cycle. Please OP, try to start the conversation with listening. Really try. Because you do have a list and it's important. But she will hear it better if she's been able to dump all her thoughts first and really feel heard.

I suspect she sees you and the three kids as a mountainous task, a huge overwhelming chore list and therefore doesn't see you as a partner in the battle against chaos. You and she need to work together on making your family work. And yes, the first job is starting to talk.

Also, just a thought do either of you get dedicated alone time with no work, no chores, no kids?

You seem to suggest that HRT is the cause of symptoms when actually it's ment to be the solution. It can take a while to get the dose right, so maybe she needs some adjustments. However, it's all too easy to put it down to just that and while it could be a factor, there are likely triggers. I'd guess maybe one of which being that you aren't sitting down and asking her and listening to what she has to say. A forum can steer you to ask her, she has told you herself that she wants listening to. So ask her instead of a forum, she has the answers, we don't.
Sounding off to us is not talking to her about it, it could even be avoiding it. Listen to what she has to say. Tell her that neither of you are happy currently in this relationship and need to talk about it, then be quiet and listen.

I suspect she sees you and the three kids as a mountainous task, a huge overwhelming chore list and therefore doesn't see you as a partner in the battle against chaos. You and she need to work together on making your family work. And yes, the first job is starting to talk.

This.

I know someone whose DH is a genuinely great man who absolutely does his best. But one of the biggest issues in their relationship is that while he will and does do his share at a practical level, it's very much about him "helping" - he doesn't take on the actual responsibility. She has to do all the thinking and planning etc - and to make it worse, because he has his own issues, part of the challenge is that when she's doing this planning and organising, she's constantly adapting for him but he is completely OBLIVIOUS to this. They've been working hard on communicating better - her explaining why she thinks x or y and him taking on responsibility to handle certain things and do so properly. But it's difficult.

Also, I think it's concerning that your wife says she feels invisible but you don't seem to have a single idea why? Surely sue's told you WHAY makes her feel invisible? What it is she's doing or you're not doing that is the problem? Have you properly truly listened to her?