Hesitant men

[popitswitch]

Why would a man hesitant to marry the mother of their children?

Commitment issues/personal beliefs about marriage are just two that come to mind.

Have you spoken to him about it? I find some people with divorced parents or no role model for marriage may be scared of marriage also.

Scared of losing half his assests.

Thinks someone "better" might come along further down the line.

Committment phobia.

He’s not confident in his own mind that the relationship will last. There could be any number of reasons for that.

I mean, in what way does he benefit from marriage if the woman's prepared to act like his wife without being married?

My DH knew marriage was non negotiable for me. We had a child early on in our relationship (so I put the cart before the horse myself) however I refused to "properly" live with him until we were married.

Why ask from his perspective?

Why would you want to marry someone who feels this way?

Money

Commitment issues

I actually don't really buy the commitment issues thing when it comes to marriage.

I'm a commitment phobe myself (so I don't date), the issues really are related to feelings and being worried about losing something good...but if you've had kids with the person and are presumably living with them and in a full on relationship then you've already got past those things.

Personally I think it's just that they're not as in love as they should be, or they want to protect their financial assets, even if they have fuck all.

Just curious.

I’m going to get hate for this. I’m gonna take a wild guess that he is the higher earner. Also children are the leverage to get marriage there really isn’t much in it for the man (if he’s the higher earner). Unfortunately it’s a bit late now but the time to ask for marriage was before your first child now you will likely get a million other reasons why it’s not the right time etc but the truth is he feels he gains nothing changing the status quo.

Probably because there is nothing in it for him. He already has the woman and the kids (sorry to be blunt) and he didn't have to get married to have all of that, so whay would he get married now?

He is in a far, far better financial position by not being married if the relationship breaks up. There is no entitlement to any of his pension, assets or inheritance.

He has his cake and he's actually eating it

Women change more in a marriage than men. Children, becoming mothers, the menopause fundamentally change the personality of women and their partners slip down the pecking order. Men are right to be cautious for this reason as often they are stuck in a living hell once these changes take effect.

Evidence for any of this?

Plus women who have children and menopause will have them regardless of their marital status, so the impact, if impact there is, will be the same on a partner regardless of whether he is married to the mother of his children or cohabiting .

@HareSalient the difference is obvious. The penalties for a man a leaving a marriage are far greater than a man simply leaving his GF.

In most cases he is not ‘ in love’ with the woman in question and thinks that he can do better.
We often hear of men who are seen as ‘eternal bachelors’. They have relationships but are not keen on marriage because ‘it is only a piece of paper’. Some of them don’t want children either
They then meet someone who they think is worth marrying , get married and have kids

Assuming he’s the higher earner, yes. I was taking issue with your (unevidenced) point that ‘women change more in marriage than men’ because of child rearing and menopause. Both of which are independent of marital status

This.

If you turn it around and ask 'why do you feel the need to be married?' then for a lot of women, it will come down to finances

Not many people are religious these days, it's just a financial agreement, and it usually isn't in the best interests of the higher earner.

It’s nearly always money.

Instead of waiting for him to marry you, focus on making your own money and building your own assets. Do NOT sabotage your career to support his. Pay for child care and split housework etc. equally. This also makes it easier to leave and not get trapped in an unhappy relationship.

I am completely indifferent to marriage personally, and the main reason is I would never make myself dependent on anyone else. It would be unthinkable.

Women need to stop screwing themselves over.

I agree with @Usernamen - focus on having you own career and your own money

I don't want to ever get married. Unless you are on a low wage or have an uneven split of childcare responsibilities etc, then I don't see why you would.

I earn a good salary and I hate the idea of being financially tied to someone else. It makes things complicated if you split up, which let's face it, most people do sooner or later these days.

Why have kids with someone not willing to marry you?

@Dacadactyl

'I mean, in what way does he benefit from marriage if the woman's prepared to act like his wife without being married?

My DH knew marriage was non negotiable for me. We had a child early on in our relationship (so I put the cart before the horse myself) however I refused to "properly" live with him until we were married. '

This!

That is the reality of it.

He gets all the benefit of having a woman who provides him with a family, sex and emotional/practical support without the risks of having to divide his assets/the legal hassle of going through a divorce if the relationship breaks down and/or if he meets someone else.

If you agree to have kids and live with someone without getting married you have shown them that you will put up with the lack of wedding ring and there is no reason/incentive for them to rectify the situation.

^^ This

Because he doesn't have to. He already has it all without the legal commitment.