Me and my ex had a very passionate beginning to a very toxic relationship / fwb which lasted 1.5 years.
I feel like he was the trigger to how I reacted, however when I look back, regardless of what he did, I still cannot forgive myself or accept that I was also toxic.
I told him he will be alone forever because of the way he is, if people knew what he could really be like they wouldn't like him anymore, his father would turn in his grave if he saw and heard how he treated me/ spoke to me upon finding out I was pregnant. I threatened to find someone else when he went distant for weeks at a time yet was okay with everyone else, I messaged the girl I he cheated with as he wouldnt tell me the truth, but she did.
I became jealous and insecure after he told me he wasn't over his ex and it showed in my behaviour.
In the end he left me because of these things. I can't help but feel if I had been more mature and less reactive he would still be here. But then again I also understand that there is a reason why I became the way I did. He did appear to use me at his convenience and didn't make me feel special at all as time went on. He kept me in his back pocket and rarely took me out. I wasn't like this in previous relationships.
Before him I was confident, fairly happy, motivated and involved with life.
I am really struggling with myself and how I acted - I feel like I despise myself and feel so unworthy and have fallen into an impossible self pity trap.
Im struggling between identifying whether or not the problem really was me like he says, or if it was him treated me less than what I deserved.
I feel trapped and stuck. I feel like I am the one who has issues. I feel like I have a personality disorder or something.
Its been 7 months since the break, 2 months since we stopped intimacy, and since then hes been friendly then distant again.
I feel obsessed and its consuming me so much that I have began isolating myself, avoiding my family and friends and avoiding some of my responsibilities.
Please help.