16 months, no sex?

[Marfs10]

DP and I have been together for 5 years. It’s the happiest and most settled I’ve ever felt in a relationship and despite the occasional argument, I have no complaints.

However, our sex life at this point is non existent. I gave birth 10 months ago to DS but even before my pregnancy, sex wasn’t a priority for either of us, we haven’t had sex for about 16 months. I have spoken to DP about it, and he understands that it is way down my list of priorities (I breastfeed, co-sleep and am pretty much exhausted constantly).

How do I change my mindset and want sex again?! At this moment, if I never did it again, I wouldn’t mind! That’s not normal is it?

You might find your sex drives returns when you stop feeding, mine did.

If you are both happy with the situation, does it matter? It sounds like sex was low priority for both of you before DC, which is fine. You sound equally matched and not all couples have high sex drives.

If one of you isn't happy, as in genuinely unhappy/would like to get it back Vs thinking we ought to, then have a conversation together about how you're feeling, your love languages, what leaves you feeling valued and desired in a relationship.

It's normal to have a drop when you've got a baby. Babies are exhausting. Maybe try to see if you can set some time together to reconnect as a couple rather than focusing on the sex.

If sex isn't a priority for him either then I think that's fine. It's not normal for everyone but it can be your normal.

It'll probably bounce back a bit once you stop feeding/co-sleeping etc.

How does DH feel about it?

My sex drive was dead while I was breastfeeding. I could feel the difference after few months of stopping bf. As long as you talk about and you are in the same page about it I wouldn't worry too much.

DP says that it’s something he would like to be doing but he’s equally exhausted, and he admits making the time for it seems like a massive effort. We’ve discussed TTC at some point this year, and have said we’ll talk some more then but no there’s no pressure.

I suppose society in general, and especially here on mums-net, you’re led to believe that there is something wrong if you’re not getting it on the regular!

Thanks for the replies, it’s reassuring. I was worried that everyone was going to tell me my relationship was doomed to fail 😂

IME things shift when you either stop breastfeeding and/or your youngest turns 3 years old. Then life starts to settle.

I agree it's normal to feel like this when breastfeeding. We had a baby who didn't sleep too and I was exhausted. The trickiest bit was getting started again but once we did, our sex life has been the best it's ever been and more frequent than ever too. If you're both ok with the current situation, don't worry about it!

After you have a baby you’re so tired and it takes a while for you to actually used to your new body. I think it will return when you get more you time. Don’t let it go too long though as it may get to the point where it’s been too long. Or you suddenly get broody for another baby and then your sex drive is really high again

I had a huge huge dip in sex drive while I was nursing tbh. It's come back 10 fold now I've stopped 😂

But having no sex wasn't at all working for us. We wouldn't have survived 16 months of no sex.

So basically after about 9 months of no sex and it eventually leading to my partner saying that he was sorry but it was something that needed addressing basically I started to convince myself I wanted to again by basically having sex (even when I didn't want to at first) and he made sure the sex was great for me and always about me so it was something I started to want more of, I just had to get past the initial "urgh I don't want to feeling". I found the more often we had sex the more I started to want to again. At first we planned to have sex once a week and we started off by setting a day that was like "sex night" 😂 and we would both commit to doing it that day.

The other thing I did was I started reading erotica, listening to music that made me feel "hot" to dance to, bought myself plenty of new attractive underware and generally put effort into making myself want to.

That all worked a bit and we started having sex more often. Then I stopped nursing and now I have the highest sex drive I've ever had 😂