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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

No friends

15 replies

Redwineandcake · 07/01/2024 14:02

I've finally come to the realisation that I have no friends. The few people I thought were my friends, people I've known for 20+ years actually aren't my friends anymore. I don't know what I've done wrong, we haven't argued, they just don't make the effort with me anymore and leave me out of everything. Anyone else? It's making me so sad. I just need to accept these friendships are over.

OP posts:
Thatsthebottomline · 07/01/2024 14:06

Life gets really busy and so do people. Perhaps it’s time to try something new where you can meet people ? January is a great time of the year for putting yourself out there.

As people get older life becomes harder to make time for everyone. It’s just how life ie

Gritty · 07/01/2024 14:10

The people that havr friendships long term stay in touch and make the effort even when it's one sided.
Snatched her ex water under the bridge.
Got drunk at her wedding, nevermind.
Bitched about her, c'est la vie.
Invited others and left her out oh well.
The ones who swiftly cull users, match effort in these busy times end up without any friends. If you want friends have no expectations and give infinitely.

Redwineandcake · 07/01/2024 14:13

I know everyone's busy, including myself. But it seems like people have the time to meet up with other people but not me (I see their social lives on social media).
I don't have a problem meeting new people either, I have a very sociable job, go out with family, go to baby groups etc. but no one ever wants to be friends with me.

OP posts:
Redwineandcake · 07/01/2024 14:14

@Gritty what?!?!

OP posts:
Gritty · 07/01/2024 14:14

Are you shy and quiet?

MuffinCoffee · 07/01/2024 14:15

Op it's the same here. I have realized this more as had time in holidays to think about it. I have had people over for dinner or initiate a meeting. I just came to the sad realization that no one ever invites me if I don't make the effort and go quiet. I don't know what the reason is perhaps life gets busy and one of them has moved out of Uk. But I think finding like minded people is so hard.

scoobysnaxx · 07/01/2024 14:19

Redwineandcake · 07/01/2024 14:14

@Gritty what?!?!

😂😂 right?!

Redwineandcake · 07/01/2024 14:20

@Gritty definitely not! I have a very public facing job that requires social skills so I don't think that's the issue. I had lots of friendship groups in my 20s, it's just the past few years it's been less and less. I make acquaintances fine but no one ever wants to be friends.
@MuffinCoffee yes that's how I feel. It's very one sided. Eventually I get fed up of being the one initiating a meet up that I give up and then we don't see each other for years.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 07/01/2024 14:22

Same here op. Flaky. Not sure is it life so busy now people dont commit. I get generic messages happy NY that type of thing but zero commitment to meet. Im done with it all now

Redwineandcake · 07/01/2024 14:25

@Mary46 yes, I get a happy birthday once a year and the odd like on Facebook. But I'm finally realising that's not a friendship.

OP posts:
Namechange666 · 07/01/2024 14:41

Save your energy for people who invest in it as much as you do.

That's what I do now. I have less friends but the ones I have are fab.

You have put the effort into finding them though. Like getting yourself out there.

However now, I look at if we have a genuine connection and get on. If it's not reciprocated, I'll be an acquaintance and move on. I aren't fickle. A lot of these friends are ones I've had for years and years. But they give back what I give out.

Actions speaks louder than words has never been truer in finding good friends.

I'm wary of gossips and ungenuine people.

It took a lot of looking at my own people pleasing actions and changing my mindset to get where I am. I had to let go of some people who were not good for me.

I found it easier to make new friends by asking about themselves and then seeing if we had anything in common and building on that. I'm ND so this wasn't natural but I'm quite social in my nature with people I am comfortable with so it got easier.

Good luck to you!

perfectcolourfound · 07/01/2024 15:04

It can be harder to make friends as you get older. People are busy, they already have 'enough' friends bearing in mind what spare time and mental energy they have, they worry what demands a new friendship will place on them, they don't want to get friendly and then let someone down because they don't have the time. That last one I've done myself - got on with someone great, thought 'we could be friends' then realised that on top of work / family / doing a house up / existing interests, and the fact I only see my best, old friends 4 times a year tops, how would I fit this new person into my life? Would I be setting myself up to let them down? Would they expect to talk weekly and see me monthly, because I wouldn't have time for that. So I back off. Perfectly lovely people.

So at least in part you're battling against things that are outside of your control. It's harder to make friends as an adult.

As for your old friends - you have to decide... are you happy to keep being the one making suggestions to meet up, knowing you like them and enjoy their company when you see them? Some people are organisers, some rely on others to organise. I have a lovely old friend (who I see twice a year tops) who is great company, has been brilliant if called on in a crisis, but is rubbish at keeping in touch generally. If I ask her to meet for a coffee, she'll be there and will be her lovely self. She admits that, with life and work and children and ill parents etc, she just doesn't think to suggest meeting friends.

If you feel it's more than that, and that they are avoiding you personally, then it looks like those friendships have run their course. It happens. Don't give up on making new ones, it just takes more effort now. I actually prefer to not focus on 'new friends' but to do things that make me happy (hobbies and interests) and to be friendly with the people there, whilst not expecting to make individual friendships. It's less pressure, and you have the hobby in common before you even start.

newyearnewnothing · 07/01/2024 16:21

I could of written this.
Unless I arrange it
Or it's at my house
Or I'm driving
It doesn't happen!
So as of last year I stopped all the above!
I don't even message 1st.
It's really eye opening

Mary46 · 07/01/2024 16:41

Newyear same here. Just gets one sided. Think people just crap at commiting now "sure we all busy" A mam I met through kids sports she great always replies not this vague flakiness others do.

MuffinCoffee · 07/01/2024 17:25

Yes I am getting calls today as it's a tube strike next week and it's people messaging asking for lifts. No one ever cares unless there is an agenda.
I have been putting my phone on silent and watching Netflix. I am usually not the one to do this but I am seriously avoiding everyone and although might end up dropping or picking up if I see someone face to face, I am NOT picking up anyone from home.

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