LOVE BOMBING

[Flash15x]

Has anyone any experience on love bombing or how to heal from it?
I never really knew it was a thing till recently.
I was unsure with my ex at first, he had a lot of baggage and he knew my worries (he was in a divorce and I was always worried I was part of the game, rebound/distraction), but then I felt like this was different, he was different.
He told me he was in love with me after 7 weeks, told me constantly I was the most beautiful girl in the world, how lucky he was, how much he loves me and to ever lose me would break his heart. Sending me flowers, we went on holiday within 3 months. How he worshipped the ground I walked on etc etc. he was kind and understanding, made me feel like I could always rely on him.

Nearly a year later he says he's changed and needs to be alone and that's it, ghost.

The worst part is I know he's not a great catch and I wasn't all that happy, but it still doesn't make the pain any better.

P.s i am a very kind person and I did alot for him but that's always how I am.

In a nutshell; if you hardly know someone - be suspicious of anyone who tells you how gorgeous you are, how sexy you are, how much their mates would be jealous of him dating you, flowers/gifts sent to work or home for no reason, telling you they are falling for you or love you when they hardly know you, serenading you like a love-sick puppy, rushing to make plans of moving in together or starting a family, bragging about their high powered job or posh house, sexual innuendo, mentally undressing you.

Yes it might be nice to receive all those compliments but I find any guy who can trot this stuff out so easily doesn't have the feelings behind the words and is saying it for their own benefit (usually hoping to get laid).

How to heal from it? It's not a case of healing from it, it's a case of learning from it. I bet, in future, you'll be suspicious now of anyone who says all this stuff to you. And rightly so. You don't need anyone else to tell you how gorgeous, sexy, etc. you are - you know this already....right?

Sounds like a narcissist going through the devalue discard phase.

Love bombing creates a dopamine response which u assume is addictive bit like gambling and this ending is brutal

It boils down to your own boundaries, and how you process the behaviour of the love bomber offender. This is not blaming you at all. It just comes down to common sense that most people need to know someone for a good while before they start planning futures, declaring love etc. It can be lovely to hear all these promises and affirmations, but it is best to proceed with caution and not get too carried away with what they are saying. Some men use a lot of, what my late mother would have called 'flannel' to get what they want from women. This might be sweet talk to get sex, a place to stay, attention, someone to talk to, someone to do errands etc. Some men are wrapped up in this intoxicating state of faux love-lust that they actually believe it at the time, and in doing so they dodge the fact that they are just empty people seeking others to fill a void in their life. Only it is not real, and they wake up one day and realise that fact. It can coincide with another woman having turned their heads. Some men are deliberately manipulative and say whatever they think a woman wants to hear, while others are not intent on deceiving someone. Whatever the case here, this man was not who you thought he was, and you shouldn't be hard on yourself for falling for his 'flannel'. After all, we all love a good compliment and gesture that makes us feel valued. I feel suspicious of anyone paying me too much attention or making grand love gestures early on. It doesn't feel sincere, and isn't based on experience as you don't know the person long enough to love them. It is infatuation or lust at best. It sounds like your ex rides the high emotions of new suitors, and that excitement just runs out one day. It won't be you, and he will be like this with every woman who catches his eye. It is just the jaded variety like me will roll our eyes at all this talk, and that comes from being on the end of such treatment in my youth. I am a firm believer in actions speak louder than words. Some men are a bit lonely and just need a girlfriend to fill a perceived gap in their lives. They don't like being alone. But they also don't get attached too well, so one woman can easily be swapped for another who seems to fulfill the high the man is seeking. Step back, see this as not your fault, and the take home message would be don't fall for similar again. It is easier to see the signs and symptoms of a love bomber, once you have encountered such a person directly.

I agree with PP it sounds like a narcissistic cycle. Idolise, devalue, discard. That’s the standard pattern.

Thank you for your responses, I needed to hear them.
I'm angry at myself because I always had my worries and should of trusted my gut that this was just a phase for him, filling a void in his life, distracting him from his divorce etc.
but I suppose I was vulnerable also.

I'm just hurt.

Nearly a year and too just say one day that he feels different and doesn't know what it is, he's tried to work through it but thinks he needs to be alone just baffles me, think it's so hard for me to comprehend as I can't understand it.
Same morning he said love you see you later and then when I asked about a future he was like I don't know if I see you in it and bam done.

He spent Christmas and new year with my family. Kissed me at 12 nye and said he couldn't wait to make more memories in 2024. We also have a holiday booked with my family this year.

He did gain from it, I did a lot for him and helped him a lot.
I've been trying to tell myself he'll realise in a couple of weeks what he had and has lost when I'm no longer around or doing it.
I made the stupid mistake of bombarding him when we split because I was so angry and felt I needed to say what I didn't before.
He does have a lot going on financially and with a divorce also so maybe that's why he's pushed me away I don't know.
I just feel like I'll now always be wary about anyone again and I think you're right it's more about learning. But I did have feelings for him so it's healing from that.

OP just be aware if this is a narcissistic cycle, the next stage is hoovering where he’ll contract you with his tail between his legs, missing you, wanting to try again etc.

But that’s just starting the cycle again - it’s about control not genuine feelings.

Sending love it’s hard but please keep away

Oh no, does that happen?
I've had my rant and did the bombarding (which I highly regret) but now I've gone no contact.
When does this tend to happen?

I want to make sure I'm aware it's that that is happening x

It tends to happen as soon as you stop looking at your phone seeing if he messaged, and just as you've stopped thinking about him a lot.

He's probably had his head turned, when the next one doesn't work out, it's quite common he'll be back, his type crave constant attention and an easy target is an ex they know had feelings, it's very cruel but know if he does, don't believe anything he has to say.

Maybe it's the effect he's had on me but I just don't believe he will be back out there dating. He works long hours, is financially struggling, doesn't really tend to go out.
Can this be filled with say just messaging someone else?

Im trying to figure out if he is a narcissist or just a horrible person.

OP, the hoovering definitely happens, he will reappear at some point, they always do. But it won't be genuine he will just be hoping you give him some attention and that it will lead to a shag. Best to keep him blocked on everything and give yourself a chance to move on.

I'm angry at myself because I always had my worries and should of trusted my gut

That's the crux of the manipulation with love bombing. In your gut something doesn't feel right, but on paper they're being lovely so you feel unreasonable or irrational for doubting things. Definitely listen to your gut in the future.

And yes hoovering is absolutely a thing. I'd suggest blocking him on everything. He's shown himself to be manipulative so he's likely to know exactly what to say to get you thinking you should give him another chance.

I understand when someone's had an effect on you, there's an urge to understand their behaviour, but ultimately it doesn't matter if he's actually a narcissist or just a horrible person. The point is he's definitely one of those things, so he's better out of your life.

Thank you, you're right, whatever he is isn't a nice person.
I have no doubt I was love bombed but I'm not sure I can comprehend this man was a narcissist, maybe that's because I care or how he's manipulated me but he was never nasty as such, he disregarded my feelings at times and in disagreements. I also was left feeling like I wasn't good enough yet everyone has always said I was too good for him.
Maybe he just has too much going on with a divorce getting nowhere and sinking finances and he just needed out because he couldn't cope. Or maybe I'm just trying to make sense of what happened and how he could just switch so quickly. That I'll never understand.

🙄 sounds more like someone going through a divorce whose head is all over the place.

Unfortunately, this is a phase a lot of people who are recently separated/getting divorced go through.

The excitement of something new and feeling what was missing during the final months/years of a failing marriage can be quite intoxicating. If it's any consolation, he quite likely believed a lot of what he said when he said it but, as time has worn on, he's just moved to another phase of the 'getting divorced' process.

Your gut was telling you what the reality was but you ignored it. No judgement. Again, that something many people do!

It's a life lesson and a learning process.

You'll be OK 😉

Thank you.
Just wish I had listened but we live and learn.

He swears his over soon to be ex wife but his divorce seems to be getting nowhere, if anything going backwards, and the finance side of it is killing him.
His first line was
'everything is getting on top of me lately with what's going on in the background and it's just made me do a lot of thinking'
Too then say he feels his changed as person and needs to be alone.

I just feel used.