Separation - what works best with living arrangements for dc?

[Generationpercy]

I am going to be separating from my DH over the next month or so.

It's amicable and we both want to do what's best for the dc in terms of caring for them. The dc are 15 and 12. I am staying in the family home and DH is moving to a 3 bed flat, which is a ten minute walk away.

We're just not sure what would work best for the dc. DH and I both work flexibly although I tend to have three nights a week where I don't get back till around 6.30pm.

We were thinking maybe on my later work nights, he could have the dc after school, give them dinner then drop them back here afterwards. Then they could maybe go to his on the Saturday night and stay over.

Or another idea is they just stay with me all week during term time and go to DH's at weekends and during the school holidays.

Someone has said to me to ask the dc what they want, but I don't want them to feel they have to choose between us, and also what if one of them prefers one schedule and the other dc wants another schedule?

Just wondered if anyone had any experience of this and what has worked for you?

Or another idea is they just stay with me all week during term time and go to DH's at weekends and during the school holidays
this sounds like you dont want them around. You want your free time free?

@C0untDucku1a oh my gosh, no, not at all! I would much rather they were here all the time. I didn't mean they would be at DH's all weekend, maybe the Saturday night and some of Sunday. And obviously not all the school holidays, just part of it. Maybe I did not make myself clear.

I think I am feeling guilty towards DH as well, as he doesn't want the split and is worried that he won't see the dc much, so I am trying to think of a solution that will be good for him as well as the dc and me.

I suppose it also depends on whether your ex wants them 50/50 or if he would prefer to pay child support? Or vice versa that's often a big contributing factor.

My children are significantly younger so we didn't need to discuss with them etc. we have a 50/50 arrangement.. both do alternate weekends. One week I will have them for 3 days and the next week will be 4 days, and my ex does the same. Kept the childcare arrangements the same regarding nursery and afterschool club. It works really well, however each family setup is different with work and commitments. The fact you are both amicable make a huge difference and you will make sure it works for the kids. Good luck

Your children should get a say. Just let them
knkw it’s not about picking but helping you both understand their preferences.

the 15 yo certainly wont want picking up, having tea then dropping back like a 5 year old imo. Can’t they just walk to dads from
svhool then walk home if they want to visit? Or stay over ?

at that age any arrangement should be pretty flexible in terms of coming and going based on homework/friends/sports/social stuff

if it’s a 10 min walk they can come and go, pop in for a drink, walk home , decide to go round ? Thats pretty much what we did

the 15 yo especially won’t want to spend time with either of you really not in the sense of eow routine type arrangements!
I don’t see my teens most of the time even when they’re here as they are either in their rooms or out with friends

@jlr1986 It's going to be a 50/50 arrangement. I'm glad your set up works really well for you all. I think it will definitely make a difference if the parents are amicable (not always possible I know).

@millymollymoomoo thanks for your viewpoint. Yes I think it is definitely different with teens rather than when the dc are younger, and I'm sure it will need to be more flexible.

I think DH is worried particularly with our ds15 that he won't get to see him much, as ds is a bit of a homebody and currently spends most of the time in his bedroom! So I think he's wondering if ds will ever want to come to stay with him, but I guess ds can spend time in his bedroom in DH's flat just the same as his bedroom here!

My child goes week about and it suits us. My mate says that he’d be sad waiting a week to see his child, and swaps over twice a week and alternate weekends which would drive me nuts with the number of handovers. There’s a clever long/short swap arrangement that some people do which seemed to me to combine a shorter time apart with some sort of restraint on logistics of swap days, but I can’t remember how it goes. Anyone do this?

Your DC will have opinions - ask them. We share 50:50 and what works best for us (with some flex) is night about (school nights) and every other weekend. It means our son gets to see both parents a day midweek and the changes are naturally occurring, punctuated by the school day (one parent has him in the morning, the other in the evening). We plan a few months ahead (in and around work and significant social commitments).