How do you know if you're in a happy marriage?

[popitswitch]

How do you know if you're in a happy marriage?

Dh and I have primary school aged twins and it's been difficult for many reasons, covid compounded the issues.

He's a good man but sometimes I feel lonely. We are only children and our parents are aging. We have friends but they are often busy with their extended families.

Sometimes I want him to make more of an effort. I'm the one to think of nights away etc, and recently, he's drinking regularly during the evenings. He doesn't look after himself but nothing really has happened. I'm not sad but I'm not excited for the new year.

It's impossible to give a definitive answer as it's so subjective. I suppose, in your case, do you feel like the issues are resolvable with time and work? Have you both talked about how you feel?

Would he be open to a conversation about his drinking and self care?
At the end of the day it’s not about a happy marriage, the question is if you are happy.

That's a good question 🤔 @popitswitch

Why do you feel lonely even though you are in a relationship then?

As always (no offense), let's flip this.

Nights away are probably a rare thing (they would be for anyone), so what effort do you make for him? Basically what I'm saying is it often ends up being a negative feedback loop where one is lazy (subconsciously, either one can appear that way!), and the other gets lazy as a result. Before you know it, both are slovenly couch potatoes and both ate looking at the other thinking 'what did I marry?'

Covid is probably largely to blame here as we all were trapped indoors and it's difficult to get out of that slump. Even commuting to the office is now a 'can't be arsed' thing.

I wonder why he is drinking so much like that?
whats behind it ?

Is there any hobbies interests that could bring you more together too?

aswell as hobbies and interests you can do independently of each other too?

so when you are together you have as a couple something different to bring to the conversation,
instead of same tired conversations,

so you don't get stuck in a rut in life 🤔 type of thing..
Makes life more refreshing interesting..

I know I’m in a happy marriage because I love being at home with him, and I miss him when he’s not here.

When we aren’t together we are constantly messaging each other about anything and everything……it’s kind of like how it is when you first start dating someone 😂

When I hear him come home from work I find myself instantly smiling and automatically run to him for a kiss and cuddle!

He always makes me feel like his priority. He has absolutely no problem in going out at 9pm to get me some chocolate if I fancy some 😂

I feel completely safe with him, I can rely on him 100% and I know he would do anything for me.

That’s how I feel anyway.

But to flip it back to yourself - what would you envisage a happy marriage to be? Did you used to feel that you were happy in the marriage? What specifically is now making you feel lonely?

I know I’m in a happy marriage because I love being at home with him, and I miss him when he’s not here.

🥰 @2024BigWhoop yes this.

You know you are in a happy marriage if spending time with the person you are married to makes you feel happy.

It sounds like you are both stuck in a bit of a rut and feeling low. Having young children is tough for any couple, especially managing twins when they were infants and the pressure of work, housing and general finances and the mood of the country is pretty low at the moment - it can all seem a bit flat, crap and the daily grind can feel pointless like the labours of Sisyphus.

I think that in society we now expect our partner to provide an unending source of interest and companionship and be all things to us. Perhaps you both need to get out to some independent activity that sparks your interest - so that you have more to talk about when you are together. You probably need to have a chat with one another about how things are but are both avoiding it. You need to think about why you fell for each other and see that person in each other again and maybe see each other through other's eyes too in social situations.

Maybe you should read Esther Perel's "mating in captivity" or explore the School of Life Videos on Youtube about romantic relationships.

DH turned to me this morning and said "I'm so unbelievably in love with you". We have been together 30 years, have four teenagers and we both still feel the same about each other. We put each other first, have fun together and just love spending time together, even if it is just sitting in mutually agreeable silence whilst reading.

Obviously we have our ups and downs, and the years with very young children were tough, but by communicating and making an effort to set aside a tiny bit of time to spend together, even when they were tiny, we have navigated the choppier waters (so far anyway!).