Husband often in a bad mood

[FedddUppp]

I'm struggling a bit with my husband's moods. He has chronic fatigue so low reserves and is often tired and irritable and can get quite snappy and moody. It's not necessarily directed at me (sometimes) but still impacts me obviously. I get angry as well at times but tend to get it out of my system quite quickly whereas for him it doesn't take much to make him annoyed but it takes a lot for him to get over it.

I've spoken to him several times and explained that I know that he is struggling with his health but that I find this kind of environment very uncomfortable. He acknowledges this but it hasn't really changed anything. This has gone on for about 2 years.

There's no abuse and I don't feel I'm treading on eggshells. On the whole we have a good relationship that makes my life better than if he wasn't in it, so I'm not looking to leave him or anything like that, I just find it difficult to deal with. Perhaps I'm not being supportive enough with his fatigue.

Not sure what I'm looking for with this thread tbh, maybe I just need to vent a little bit.

Can you find him an outlet for his stress? Crochet? Something mindful to do?

whereas for him it doesn't take much to make him annoyed but it takes a lot for him to get over it

Has he always been like this or did it start with the chronic fatigue? What do you need to do to help him get over it?

I've spoken to him several times and explained that I know that he is struggling with his health but that I find this kind of environment very uncomfortable. He acknowledges this but it hasn't really changed anything.

So he's happy being so unhappy? He'd rather be in his moods than try and help himself and in turn you?

Perhaps I'm not being supportive enough with his fatigue.

What more could you do for him? Does he think there's more you could to to alleviate his bad moods?

There's no abuse and I don't feel I'm treading on eggshells.

Yet here you are, posting on MN, looking for ways in coping with your husband's behaviour. We can't always see what we're enduring, while we're enduring it. I do hope his behaviour isn't intentional to have you feeling the way you do, or that he's weaponising his ailment, but please be aware that it's a possibility

If you "feel like you are treading on eggshells" then I'd say there is emotional abuse going on as you are having to modify how you behave and take the brunt of his bad moods. You should not be his "whipping boy."What help is he getting for his CFS? Would he consider joining a support group to vent his frustrations in?

If he wont change his ways then maybe you need to change yours - limit how long you will listen to his frustrations ( e.g 20 minutes a day). Then take yourself out of the room and go and do something for yourself or watch a programme you like on your own - carve some space and peace for just you. Perhaps stand firm and say I know your condition is debilitating and I love and support you but dont use that tone with me! when he crosses a line, he'll learn to stop if he wants you to stay.
Basically, create your own set of boundaries so that life is more enjoyable for you since you want to stay in the relationship.

Can you talk through a new year plan with him

Better food
Better sleep
Talk to GP

Basically he needs to start taking steps to get a bit of zing back. Life is passing him, and you, by.

Even though you say that there is no abuse and you feel that you are not walking on eggshells, what you describing is affecting you life OP. I would say, talk to him again and see if you can work out a plan to deal with this. I would suggest, if that is something you can afford for him and maybe both of you, to start therapy. Good luck op and keep posting.

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses, I really appreciate them. I don't think his intention is to take his moods out on me in any way but at the same time he is very focused on himself when he's exhausted/moody so he doesn't always consider my feelings in the moment. Not sure how to explain it better. He is a loving and caring person generally and one of the things I like about him is that he can usually admit when he's wrong or unreasonable and apologise genuinely. Whereas I think he sees his moods as part of his CFS and therefore I need to be understanding of this.
We have had a further talk, not specifically about his mood swings but about things he/we could do to improve both of our well-being, such as trying to improve fitness, going to bed earlier etc.

What is your definition of abuse?. Abuse is not solely physical in nature. He may be a loving and caring person, well to outsiders at least, but he is not like this with you is he.

How did he respond to your further talk?.

I have had ME/CFS for 30 years. For the first 10+ years I was with my DH he tried to be supportive but I interpreted it as immense pressure. Every day he’d ask “What are you going to do today?” when I could barely drag myself into the shower then would have to take myself back to bed for the rest of the day. He’d encourage me to exercise and ‘build up’ my stamina levels. It was infuriating. I’d always explain that that would work for a normal person, but have the opposite effect for someone with ME. I’d constantly push myself to do things that I didn’t feel up to (even just a short stroll), just to keep him off my back, and would destroy myself in the process. He’d nag me to see my GP and have blood tests, despite me doing exactly that for decades to no avail. He wouldn’t accept that there was nothing they could do.

Ironically once he retired (early) and saw the negative effects that pushing myself would have on me, the penny dropped and he went the other way. He won’t let me move now. “You sit down, I’ll do it. There’s no point you wearing yourself out”. He’s a darling and I know he’s got the best of intentions but I’ve had to have loads of talks with him about disabling me. There’s not much I can do, but I like to do the things I’m capable of and he needs to trust me to manage my condition as best I can.

It’s a tough condition to live with, constant exhaustion and chronic pain, and lack of restful sleep. It’s no wonder he’s low, but it’s not fair for him to take it out on you. I’d suggest being completely up front with him and tell him how unhappy you feel, and ask him what you can do differently to make him feel happier and supported, but make it clear that you expect support and appreciation in return. It’s really tough to be a carer especially to someone who is emotionally draining and you don’t have to put up with it. Small changes in communication between the two of you can make a huge difference. I feel infinitely happier now even though I know I’ll probably never recover. I enjoy the good days, and accept the bad. I don’t guilt myself or put pressure on myself. If your DH can’t learn to do this, maybe some counselling would help him for his depression. Good luck.