Feeling so low

[Stanno]

My fiance (36) and I (41) split in November after he admitted he wasn’t ready for a baby. We were in the beginnings of IVF meetings due to his infertility at the time. We subsequently broke up after he admitted he was sexually assaulted as a 16 year old and this was why he didn’t feel ready to have a child but wanted me to explore IVF alone whilst he dealt with getting his head sorted and finally coming to terms with his past. He hoped that once he’d dealt with this we stood a chance of getting back together.

He moved out just before Christmas but we continued to be in touch. We saw each other a couple of times but both always got upset. We continued to text regularly despite friends telling me not to because we genuinely love each other and miss talking to each other. We do also share pets that are staying with me so he does like to check how they are.

I got to the point the other day where I realised that I can’t have a carrot dangled over me. I love him and I want to be with him but I can’t sit and wait for a maybe. I asked him outright yesterday if we’d get back together and he said that right now it was a no. My friend says that he’s saying this to protect me as he knows he can’t be the man I need right now but it cut like a knife and I told him that I don’t want to be in touch anymore. It’s messing with my head.

I am devastated. I love him and miss him so much and 100% believe him when he says he feels the same but I understand that he has to deal with his trauma. Well meaning friends keep telling me I’ll move on and get past this but I don’t want to move on. I knew on date no1 that he was the one for me and I still feel that way now.

I will now start IVF alone while he faces a court case that could go on for years. I said I’d give up my dream of a child for him but he said that’s not fair and is pushing me to do it.

I have cried nonstop since yesterday and haven’t slept a wink. I just don’t know how to make myself feel better about any of this. I’ve only had one previous serious relationship and it took me years to get over him so I’m dreading what this will do to me.

Can anyone offer any words of wisdom to help me feel a tiny bit better about everything?

(thanks for reading my essay!)

He’s keeping you dangling. Far better to cut the cord and move on with your life.

Huge hugs for you

I had 7 years fertility treatment started aged 17 had baby aged 25

yiu have to also remember your age you haven’t time to wait as womb isn’t as healthy to carry as we age
I had a late natural pregnancy aged 44 sadly wasn’t good.

Monday go ahead with your baby plans - get hobbies exercise socialise and don’t have any contact with him at all.
He hasn’t had chance to miss you go no contact at all for a month he has to realise what he had to know what’s gone.

it hurts a lot but he seems to be pulling out of a huge decision last minute
There isn’t someone side is there, he seems to completely changed ?

It's good that starting the reality of the IVF treatment made your partner admit that he isn't and may never be ready to be a father. It is so sad that the trauma of his abuse has made him feel that way but he is right that he needs to work on himself. If he did stay with you he may have mental helath issues when the child reaches the age when the abuse started for him. So I think although it is hard you need to stop seeing him and emotionally detaching.

I would halt your IVF treatment for now as you need to grieve for the relationship. If you can afford it I would seek some counselling to help with letting him go with love or maybe working out if you want to stay with him and forgo the chance of having children or whether having your own children is more important for you and you want to do that as a single woman and explore your relationship style and why certain people have such a strong attraction for you.

I think your instinct to cut contact is right as you realise that having "The carrot of a relationship with him dangling" is not good for you. There is always more than "one" person out there for us. The "one" is a myth we have been sold. You sound like you have a loving and supportive friend - it is great that you can talk to someone in real life about it. I think you understand deep down that whilst you still love him you need to let him go in order to move on in your own journey. It will take time to grieve and detach so give yourself that time and self care and indulgence.