New friends

[TartanMary]

I had a great circle of friends when I was in my 20s / 30s but through moving to a new city and starting a family, I had to make a new circle. I’m still in touch with my old friends but it’s not easy to see them much.

I built up new friendships through meeting other mums - the usual stuff - and am part of a group. We go out for drinks, play sport together, but if I’m honest, I’ve never felt that secure feeling you have when you’re with ‘your people’ - more a feeling of being slightly on the outside. I know they like me (or thought they did) but I don’t feel like I have a solid friendship with any one person.

Now one of the group has started giving me the cold shoulder by not answering my messages / and she deleted me from a WhatsApp group! It’s incredibly childish - if I’ve done something to offend her ( I can’t think of a single thing and I don’t feel like begging for an explanation, given her behaviour) I’d rather she tell me. Instead I get the feeling she’s talking behind my back and it’s made me wonder if these ladies are my friends at all. I feel uneasy talking to any of them about it as this person is at the centre of the group.

Anyway, my question is - is it possible to make good friends later in life? I’m in my early 50s. I feel this is missing from my life now. I work from home and have plenty of acquaintances (people I meet up with for the odd coffee or dog walk), but I’m talking about proper friendships.

I’d love to hear stories of people who’ve made a fresh start and successfully built a new friendship group.

I can only speak from personal experience but yes, I've found it easy to make friends in my 50s & 60s. We moved to a totally new area when I was early 50s and knew no one but I soon made friends ... I a great 'joiner' though which I know doesn't suit everyone ... I joined the PTA, WI, go to church, Book Club, found volunteering opportunities etc ... made a nice circle of friends. I find it better to 'do something constructive' rather than just meet up for coffee/meals. That way at least you doing something you enjoy or feel is valuable even if you don't make immediate friends ... but you will likely gel with like minded people.

And as new people move to my area I observe that it is the 'joiners' who find it easier to make friends. One of my neighbours (who has lived here longer than I) said to me 'you know more people than I do' .. but she rarely leaves her house ... .

Yes it is, though having kids at school helps. I moved to a new area after my husband died. I was 49/50 and my kids were in Y2 and Y4. I made myself go outside my comfort zone and volunteered at school, and accepted any invitation. Luckily most Year groups had a weekly coffee morning after drop off at a local cafe - early enough that even those who worked could come by for a quick chat. In one year group the people were as you describe - I didn't really click with anyone outside the confines of group meet ups. But the other was for my more sociable son and I did click very well with them. Oddly it was made up mostly of other women who had their kids late like me (one as late as 46!), and had in a couple occasions also recently moved to the area. My only slight hindrance was that I'm the only single woman so never get invited to couply dinner parties. It just doesn't happen (so if anyone reading this has a single friend do invite them around when you are having couples for dinner - we can talk to men just as well as women).
I have now moved again (now 61) and though my youngest still at school until last year, you don't get involved in sixth form plus she takes the tube in. So I've only met a few people walking the dog and while that led to a couple coffees I haven't met any proper friends. But I have reached out to a few I knew way back when and rekindled some friendships and later in the year plan on joining a couple things - I've recently got back in to crocheting so I'm sure there's a group nearby.
I find the English are not very good at taking the initiative with (potential) new friends. You meet someone you like, ask them round for a coffee.

Hi op my friend in a choir. I have few friends but not many. Im 50s. Even walking they go once thats it. A school reunion thing while great to see the girl it seemed a one off. I feel people dont commit now its hard

Thanks for your responses @Ragwort @mondaytosunday @Mary46
Yes, I think I need to get out of my comfort zone and become a 'joiner'! I'm reserved by nature but different when you get to know me... people don't always see the real me initially.
Think I've been so wrapped up in my work and family that I've not worried too much about all of this. But now my kids are nearing home-leaving age, it's given me pause for thought. And I wasn't expecting to be dealing with a petty 'friend' giving me the cold shoulder at my age!
Sorry about your husband @mondaytosunday You've really had to start again, must be very tough. I've heard this before about single people not being invited to dinner parties. Perhaps it's a misguided attempt to stop them feeling left out or uncomfortable, but of course has the opposite effect! Hope you can meet some lovely new friends this year.