How to advise a friend who is behaving badly.

[Loyaltothedeath]

Any good advice is welcome on this one !
A friend of mine has confided to me he is cheating on his wife and has been doing so for the last 2 years. His problem now is, he needs someone to supply cover stories for him when he is seeing the other woman (she is also married).
I was cheated on by my wife and so,feel strongly that what he is doing is cruel and wrong, but he shrugs this off by saying he has never loved his wife and only stays because he doesn’t want to share half his money and assets.
I’ve tried to persuade him to end the affair or end his marriage, but he becomes quite aggressive and insulting to me, calling me a wimp and saying any real man is always screwing other women. What the hell do I do? This whole business is eating away at me day and night, it’s triggered memories of what happened to me and it’s weighing heavy on my conscience. I certainly don’t want to be the alibi for his wrongdoings, if questioned by his wife ( who I have a friendly relationship with).

Hey OP, in a very similar situation I told the wife. It was my boss, and he tried to use me as a alibi. There was no chance that was happening so I forwarded the messages on.

Made work highly awkward for a while but there was no way I was being complicit.

Hey OP, in a very similar situation I told the wife. It was my boss, and he tried to use me as a alibi. There was no chance that was happening so I forwarded the messages on.

Made work highly awkward for a while but there was no way I was being complicit.

Hi 2jacqi,
There are no children in my friends marriage, his only family is his wife and mother in law. The other woman has 2 adult children and 5 grandchildren and her husband.

Comment 1 nails it.

You've tried to reason with him but he's doubled down and really shown you what an absolute shit he is. His supposed reasoning of what a 'real man' is is sickening.

As he's clearly shown, he's not 'a man' he's 'a twat'.

That would be the end of the friendship, for me.

I could not spend time with a person that vile.

This is an impossible situation but I think you need to tell her, start of terminal illness or not. It's going to make her life much harder but I don't think any woman would want her estate going to a man who is there only for her money, and shagging someone else on the side.

But you may need proof.

He's a dreg of a human being.

Thanks DancesWithDucks I appreciate your advice. I think what you suggest is sound, but if I do this what can I supply as proof ? The nature of her illness means she is in quite a fragile state, there isn’t any chance of talking to her in private at their house and I do not have her mob no. or email address. I seem to be defeated on all fronts, maybe I should end my friendship and let what seems to be the inevitable happen, but that sits very uneasy with me.

Hi Castellanos,
I don’t think there is any chance of challenging the POA, from what I have read, it would be incredibly difficult to prove any abuse. Like most investigative Government bodies I think they largely exist for show.
As to him being a self serving prick it looks increasingly like he will achieve his ends, unfortunately. The direction I see this going in is at some point in the not to distant future his wife and mother in law will die and he will be left, undeservedly but comfortably wealthy and in a relationship with someone else’s wife. The other woman’s husband and family will bear the brunt of all this deception. I really don’t think there is anything I can do other than break my friendship and stand clear.

It sounds near to impossible. Perhaps this is all you can do now, to withdraw from the friendship. Be prepared for him to badmouth you though.

Just one last thought - do you know anyone close to her, who could be a rock for her and help her if she does find out? Or talk to them about it? A secret told is no secret any more, but if there is someone rock-solid you know it may be worth it.

Apart from anything else it sounds like this thread's helped you think things through, at least.

DancesWithDucks
Sadly, she is a very introverted lady, all ‘their’ friends are really his friends.
As to being badmouthed by him, it will not worry me one jot.
Thanks for your advice throughout this thread, I do feel I’m more clear on what action I will now be taking.

Block him.

It is really hard OP, I really do empathise with your position, this would make me so angry in real life to be put in this position. You say you know all of the individuals involved - how close are you to the OW's husband? Do this "friend" know him as well? Is he really a villain figure to his wife? Or is he just another victim? How is it likely to play out when the inevitable happens? Are you going to be forced into taking sides then?

How long has the wife been ill? It’s not unusual for a man to line up a replacement. I mean, he’s clearly a piece of work, but maybe not that unusual.

Hi Castellanos,
I know the OW’s husband , but not that well. Him and his wife have been friends with her AP and wife for 10 years. The OW’s husband has always struck me as a very easy going and good natured guy, maybe lacking a bit in ambition, but clearly loved by all his children and grandchildren.
As for me taking sides, I don’t think that would be an issue.

Hi pickledandpuzzled,
As far as I know his wife has been ill for some time, longer than 2 years I would suspect. I take your point, it probably isn’t that unusual for a replacement to be lined up in these circumstances.

If you suspect financial misconduct from your friend as the POA then contact the OPG - they do look into these things.

It is a very tricky situation sadly. Had it not been for the terminal illness then of course you should ditch the friend having let the wife know. Now, things are less straight forward.

How well do you know the wife? Would she want to know? Would you have wanted to know if it were you dying? Would she want to know in order to change her Will and perhaps not let on that she knows? Would a half way solution be that you talk to the other woman and suggest she have the decency to back off whilst the wife dies? To be fair your mate sounds morally bereft so I would be concerned he’d decide to take advantage financially.

Ultimately he is no friend from how you have described his responses to your concerns.

I would keep well out of all of it and quietly/slowly withdraw from the friendship with the cheating man.

Crikey, so they are both "friends" of his. Yuk it's messy.

I think many people would slowly withdraw from the friendship and the entire situation. It's the course of least resistance but it's awful for you, to think maybe there's something you could do.

Not sure if I could back off quietly without saying how I felt about it tbh, his attitude sucks. It's not like he's found an honorable relationship with this OW which is helping him face the grief and trauma of supporting his wife through her final stages. She is lining herself and her children up for further heartbreak and disaster with someone who thinks affairs are a right of passage. It might make you feel better that you called him on this alone, even if he doesn't listen, but I'm not sure you should be too hard on yourself, one way or the other.

If this is genuine....your 'friend' is a piece of shit. Ditch him..men like this give other men a bad name.

If you stay friends you’re condoning his behaviour.

I’d tell her, she has the right to know the detail of who she’s married to. But she probably already knows. I’m highly suspicious when a woman married to a dick is labelled an “introvert” - I’ll put money on that being a side effect of him being controlling.

Hi NewYearNewCalendar,
I don’t think there is any doubt about his controlling nature, and yes that possibly has caused the introverted aspect of her character, but I also think the illness is causing her withdrawal, as well.