Losing my husband to his work

[hattiejanei]

My DH job has taken over his life and I'm lonely, struggling, sad and don't know what to do.

When we first met many years ago, he was not in such a position, but a few promotions later and he's now in a very high stress job and manages a large team. I'm very proud of him and all he's achieved, but I want my husband back. I've told him I'm not fussed about him earning loads, we're mortgage free and in a lucky position already - I'd just like some of his time back.

Not only this, but because he's so stressed all the time, he's not the man he used to be. He snaps at me a lot for the smallest things. Sometimes he even ignores the children when they come home from school, not even a hello, and this upsets me more than anything. If I feel rejected, I know they must be as well.

I work 3 days a week and I get tired because I manage everything else on top of this to do with DC, cleaning, cooking etc etc.

I love him but I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice welcome please.

This sounds like a sad situation.

Have you tried telling him what you have told us?

It’s tough isn’t it? My workaholic big boss has just taken early retirement at 55 because his wife has said it’s the job or the marriage. He’s been quite open about it.

@BumpyaDaisyevna many times :-( always the promise of change or 'it'll get better'.

@KingsleyBorder oh wow, that's lovely though that he's chosen to save the marriage.

Yeah, I was quite impressed. He has made a packet and will no doubt keep working in some capacity, but his kids are both tweens and he said that his wife had pointed out that it would be stupid to wait to retire until after they both left home.

I would never leave my job for a partner

Hopefully you’d try to do something about it if your partner said your job was turning you into a twat at home though?

Nor me.

Not asking him to leave, just to manage things better, or even consider changing the role a bit.

And it's his whole family - not 'just a partner'.

That's a tough one OP. Very similar situation here, husband now CEO and works extremely long hours. We've also had the chat about not being money orientated, would prefer more family time etc.

The difference for us was covid had a big impact and gave him some flexibility to working pattern. He started to work a little from home. Often works, comes home for tea and baths the kids, then works again at home in the office. He does have to work weekend time and is never 'off' but is very good at being present with me and the kids.

I think you need more balance. Would any of these examples help?

@Plumtop11 thank you so much for your response. I do think working from home a little more could be an option, and then like you say, being present for dinner and the kids before they go to bed - then maybe going back to it after.

I'll try and approach this one again.

There's some posters on here saying they'd never leave a job for their partner. That's nice for you, but learn to read.

He clearly can't manage his job as well as being a decent partner and father at home. What is the OP meant to do - just accept being treated like an emotional punchbag all the time?? Accept the next few years of constantly having to stand her ground against such behaviour?

It's probably not lost on him that he's doing this. What is is doing about it I wonder? Probably nothing, because it's just too convenient to take out the stresses & strains of his worklife out at home.

I sympathise that some people really do have to take these types of roles in order to stay financially afloat, but to many, it's a lot about status and not wanting to let that go once they get there. If it's career, then you just have to make hard choices at times - it's your career or your family. You can't always have it all.

DH doesn't have to leave a job and just sit on the sofa watching day-time TV.

There are more and more options for better work-life balance now.

Even senior positions can be job-shares etc, which not only would would for DH, but also encourage working mother's into better roles too.

OP - my DH works silly hours, always on, even when we're on holiday. It sucks but it's worth it for the short term. However, when it becomes no longer worth it I hope he will be a partner that will put his family above his job. You've got my sympathy though as it's such a tough one :(