Can’t remember night out

[Anxietyridden1]

Hi everyone

So… I don’t know whether anyone else has experienced this but I’m driving myself insane.

Bit of background…

I have suffered with anxiety for over 15 years and I take medication for it. I have a wonderful partner who I am very much in love with and am very happy and I have absolutely no want or desire to cheat on him.

I went out for a bottomless brunch on Boxing Day with my best mate, we got very drunk. I don’t remember the end of the night, the taxi ride home or going to bed. My friend told me I rang my partner as she was getting food around 9:20 pm( I’m guessing to see if he was home so I could stay at his but he wasn’t), we then got to the taxi place at about 9:30 pm, we were the only people there, no queue. Taxi would be cheaper if we got separate ones so we did. She said we hugged and both walked to our taxis. She didn’t see me physically get in it but she saw it pull away. Sh she said I definitely got a taxi home on my own.
I vaguely remember not being able to find my key my son had left under the bin and I had calls on my phone to him around 9:45 which would work out about the time I was home. Anyway, I kind of remember moving the bin and they key must have been there.

I woke up with no recollection of the end of the night or getting home, I think my phone had died as my friend had text me to see if I was home but I didn’t respond.

anyway, I’m a naturally very anxious person and I have a conscience so can feel guilty even when I’ve done nothing wrong. I started to worry if cheated on my partner and I’ve not been able to get it out of my head and I’m worried sick over it. She said I’d spoke to my landlord earlier in the night who I went on a date with many years ago. He added me on Instagram the next day (he has a partner and child too). He liked a couple of pictures and it’s made me more paranoid that what if he came home with me. There’s absolutely no trace of anyone being in my house, the door was locked with the key inside. I woke up in bed naked but no trace of anything untoward.
My friend says I’m being daft, I literally rang my partner, there was nobody with us at the taxi place and I definitely got in my taxi alone. But I’ve managed to worry myself so much over it, I’m panicking that because she didn’t actually see me that maybe she doesn’t know. I’ve asked her over and over.
It’s not unusual for me to be worried and over anxious but it’s driving me mad. I’ve not slept. How can I stop this? Has anyone felt like this before.
please do not lecture me on drinking- I’m 36, it’s not my first rodeo. I don’t go out often. Dry January in full swing!
As I say, I love my partner with all my heart, had the most wonderful Christmas and would never dream of cheating but I cannot shake this anxiety as I don’t remember the night.
Help!!!

You have anxiety and it’s messing with your head. You don’t have to believe your thoughts. Are you getting help?

Sorry, I should say, I’m a lifelong anxiety sufferer too, and I know how exhausting it is.

Thanks for the reply. I do take antidepressants and have had counselling in the past. I have decided to not drink heavily as the anxiety isn’t worth it. It’s like I’m trying to convince myself I’ve done something wrong. Just scary not remembering. I’m not the type who would just take a random
man home and like I say, I love my partner millions. I’ve just convinced myself I’ve took someone home. Maybe I should seek counselling or some kind of therapy again xx

Sounds like anxiety exacerbated by the 'beery fears'. Very, very unlikely you did anything untoward. I definitely would not mention these fears to your partner as it might sew a seed of worry where there's no need.
You'll probably feel much better soon.

It really is. I’ve had blackouts before over the years but this time I just can’t shake the anxiety. Probs my because I love my other half so much. I know the main thing with anxiety is irrational thinking and creating false thoughts etc. hoping it will pass xx

It’s very likely you were just super drunk and blanked the end of the night out because nothing happened. You got home, stumbled in, clothes off and in bed to sleep it off.
Usually, even if somebody is pissed as a fart, they will remember or at least have a vague recollection of an event that is out of the ordinary.
You brain had no need to remember your routine in its drunken state.

Nothing has happened. Apart from too much booze and you've blacked out. It's fine, why on earth would you not remember seeing your landlord out and locking the door behind him if he'd randomly come round for a night of wild sex 😅

Mate, I get it, your anxiety is in overdrive but honestly, you've done nothing wrong. Don't plant seeds of doubt in your partners head whatever you do.

Intrusive thoughts. Look up Pure O as part of OCD. No one will be able to reassure you for long, and seeking reassurance behaviour doesn't help in the long run, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this as it's tough.

You want us to say: "Well, of course you didn't do anything, you absolutely would've known if you had!" which, by the way, is totally true! But it won't help you to look for this reassurance long term and you'll just end up back here!

Definitely look for therapy to help with this OP, it's tough I know

Have you seen the GP about your anxiety?

I have OCD and I have done exactly the same thing. I can convince myself of things and have a lot of intrusive thoughts.

Bottomless brunch? Was Prosecco involved? Evil stuff 🤣

I've just learned you can have brunch at night time....????

You obviously did nothing wrong. There is plenty of evidence to support that, and zero evidence that you did something wrong.

I know you don't want a lecture on drink. This isn't a lecture. If you don't want this to happen in the future, don't get so drunk you can't remember what happened.

Absolutely 😂. After a million “no Prosecco tonight” comments 😂

Ah mate you just got the fear, we've all been there. When I've been smashed I've woken up in the morning and gone through my phone to make sure I've not messaged anyone, every single social media app I have and I even looked at Google reviews to make sure I didn't leave a horrible review for that random bar I was in five years ago. But what if I did? What if I looked up an ex and liked a post accidentally even though I haven't thought of them in years? What if I sent a dodgy selfie to someone? What if I ordered a takeaway and shagged the delivery guy? What if I pocket dialled my boss? What if I went outside and had an argument with one of my neighbours? What if I did literally ANYTHING wrong? Better check my bank account incase I've booked and paid for a £3k holiday.

Even though in reality (so far I hope) I just got pissed, listened to some cheesy 90s tunes and went to bed.

It's fucking horrible. Bacon sandwich and a cup of tea and a bit of time. You'll be fine x

She said I’d spoke to my landlord earlier in the night who I went on a date with many years ago. He added me on Instagram the next day (he has a partner and child too). He liked a couple of pictures and it’s made me more paranoid that what if he came home with me.

Look at your phone record, was there any calls or texts between you and him other than that call? What does your friend remember you saying? Im guessing you were flirty or reminisced about old dates or suggested adding each other?

Do you normally sleep naked or had uncomfortable clothes that you kept looking forward to taking off that day? Look at all your bins for any evidence.

Ask your landlord if he left his wallet at yours last night. If he says wtf say sorry wrong text you were on my last contact or some excuse or sorry still hungover. If he says no I have it then you know he came over. If you want to know more ask him what his favourite thing was last night and what he would like to do next time he sees you.

When I used to drink I would forget unusual events or would have vivid dreams that when I sober up I doubt whether they happened for real. For example I dreamt of my dead dad, but it seemed so real when I woke up.
People can kill or be in a a car crash and don't remember anything. Sometimes the brain creates false memories.

Set up a ring door cam or indoors cam if you want to keep getting drunk and want to know what happened.

Hey, no she said we saw my landlord out earlier in the night so I spoke to him face to face in the pub. So no calls or any other type of communication. And I have zero interest in him.
we didn’t see him after that, we were the only people in the taxi rank and we hugged and walked to our taxis and she saw mine pull away. So logic would say that I absolutely went home alone. But my anxiety ridden mind likes to convince me otherwise x

Oh i thought you called him and then he might have come over after you got home.

No, I don’t even have his number as it’s his Dad I contact about anything. I couldn’t even remember talking to him but I think I’ve convinced myself of something because he’s the only person my friend says I spoke to.

Hey, not recently no. Anxiety, OCD etc is so crippling isn’t it! X

I’m confused… so how did you speak to him then?!

I spoke to him while we were out, in the pub we were in.

It sounds like he’s added you after seeing you in the pub OP. There would have been some other indication if you had made contact with him - if you were that drunk there’s no way you’d have had the sense to delete calls or messages! If you don’t have his number there’s no way anything could have been arranged, it’s incredibly unlikely he would have just turned up at your house without any texts or calls beforehand!

I missed that, I thought it had been a phone call. Sounds like he added you after seeing you in the pub. I wouldn’t worry about a bit of flirty banter.

The reality is you probably went on autopilot, talked nonsense to the taxi driver. Stripped with intentions to get into PJs etc but it was a step too far and crashed out.

As you said it is stressful and can cause anxiety add in existing anxiety, medication ? a lot of alcohol and it adds up.