To think separation is only way forward

[Picnictea]

I’ve been going round in circles with this dilemma so would be grateful for external input!
Married for nearly 5 years, 1 DC. Post pregnancy things were tricky w/alcohol abuse, eventually I asked husband to leave after he threatened me. He moved back in a year later, more in control of drinking & great around toddler although not that proactive about parenting. Problem is he’s always struggled to keep a job, hasn’t contributed financially for over a year. DC is very happy in full time nursery, I have always worked FT. If he did childcare suspect she would watch tv a lot. I want to leave him but he has nowhere to go (eu national, no money, no job, house is tied to my job). We live in an expensive area too. I don’t know what to do. He thinks separating would be bad for dc. I feel like he never takes responsibility but also aware he’s really vulnerable and don’t want to fracture good relationship w/DC.

Where did he stay for the year that he moved out? Is there a particular reason he doesn't have a job, like any job (we all have to start somewhere).
At the end of the day he is an adult and it is his own responsibility to sort out some form of income to feed himself and keep a roof over his head. He can't continue to rely on other people continuing to sort him out.

How do you feel about the rest of the relationship?

You can try to help him by making suggestions or helping with job applications etc, but you shouldn't feel responsible for looking after him. Or guilty for not wanting to be with him anymore.

Was gonna post pretty much what PP said anyway.

So, can he stay in the same place he stayed when he was away for a year? Job isn't your problem really.

Thank you for this. Definitely need to hear the thing about not feeling guilty! So he rented a room nearby but basically got into debt (I was also subbing rent sometimes) so he still owes… I think if we separated he could then claim benefits and at least it’s a starting point. I think he just can’t cope with the thought of it and so blames me for the relationship breakdown, says I had PND etc. I don’t think I did but maybe. I just stopped trusting him I think due to drinking and erratic behaviour. I’m sure I could have tried harder, and it’s not his fault, but surely nobody has endless capacity with a newborn/small child?!