Thinking of getting "married" again... but so scared it'll mess this new relationship up too

[NewmemyselfandI]

Separated 2 years ago from what became a horribly abusive relationship, have 2 teenage kids with him. Best decision I made even if things are difficult but at least I feel free and don't have to walk on eggshels everyday - though still have to deal with his occasional tantrums related to coparenting.
Now in a new relationship with a wonderful man, also separated with 2 kids of similar ages. He seems the opposite from my ex and having been with him for just under 2 years (whilst became more "serious" 18mo ago or so), I just really long for having a partner to share my life with. Given all competing demands with kids, ex, work etc, we don't see each other much, maybe once a fortnight properly and just the odd meet in between, but I just don't feel it's good enough. We both ended previous relationships so we are very weary as know things can end, and then even though we say we feel we found our lifelong partners at last, we haven't really discussed making plans to live together yet. Realistically I know it's probably a few years away as we dont live very close and both want to be there for our kids, but I worry if we wait to long we may just settle into this and by the time we can do something, things may have cooled off, or we each just enjoy our independence too much to compromise. I also worry the daily contact may ruin the excitement of dating and the adrenaline that comes from meeting after a good few days apart, and we may find ourselves bored again...
Has anyone who started a second "marriage" (dont want to actually have a party or do anything legally, just move in together) after their 40s have anything to advise?
We seem to get on super well, never had an argument, things are just easy and calm and loving, I think we both just want to be together and dread for another painful breakup and having to restart, we like to be with someone to share life with...
Part of me wants to start a serious conversation and lay down some sort of mid term plan, something to work towards, but another part just fears it could be the beginning of the end as it was on previous relationship and maybe I should just keep things as they are indefinitely...
Main difference I feel is that we obviously wont have kids together and are at a much more aware and mature phase, so perhaps we will know how to navigate daily contact better and look after the relationship in a better way we did when in our 20s and 30s... I just don't like to "carpe diem" and have nothing to look forward to other then our next weekend together :/

I'm similar and wondering the same. Boyfriend and I probably see each other more often than you but it's got a nice dating feel. We also have no immediate plans to live together but I also worry we'll become stuck in our ways and it'll never happen or if it did could we cope with the monotony. I'm interested to see others replies but you're not on your own.

You want to have the excitement and insecurity of the early days when you're not quite sure of someone, and you rightly identify that there is a (well known and reliable!) way of kindling attraction and passion by keeping that edge.

But you are also looking for the longer term, the closeness of someone you have committed to.

The problem is, keeping thing on edge and a tiny bit at a distance doesn't last, the passion wanes anyway over time. So if you want each other long term you're gonna need more tools in your arsenal to broaden and deepen and strengthen the relationship.

I found it interesting you put "marriage" in quotes and very clearly say it's nothing legal just moving in... On some level you are holding back from even considering choosing commitment; a solid decision that you WILL be with this person. Feeling like you have found a forever person is only part of it. You create that forever person by making the decision to be with them. By putting yourself deliberately in a position you can't get out of.

Yeah sure then the passion goes a bit. But a whole bunch of other stuff emerges. So maybe consider if there might be a different prize or different reward in doing the commitment.

There's a Joni Mitchell interview quote - "if you want endless repetition, see a lot of different people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one". You learn more about yourself when you put yourself in a bind you can't easily get out of.

Thank you both and love the quote! ❤️
The not wanting the legalities is mainly because I have seen too many relationships derail because of money, or people to stay in broken ones because of money, and I dont want either of us to feel we should stay because of that. It was horribly painful to divorce and even though I'm in for the long term commitment I know I can't be 100% certain for both of us and wouldn't want to relive that even if there is only a tiny chance that would happen. We have discussed though a small celebration perhaps to mark the moment we move in, but only lightly in passing...
I agree the "nicenesses" of dating will wane in time, it already feels a bit lonely to be with someone and only plan for leisurely stuff together, but keep everything else in our lives totally separate and independent.
I think I may give it a few more months for our kids to get more used to us and maybe start trying to gear the conversion to timelines and plans. We would need to decide where to live, as we are 1h apart, and what sort of housing situation to go for given 4 kids and our financials, whose house itd be, how to split costs etc... but I really want us to have a goal...
It'd be nice to hear from someone on 2nd long term relationship how they navigated things to avoid similar issues from previous, any regrets...?! We have talked about living together when all our kids off to Uni and beyond, but that's in 4 years for me, 7 years for him... it's too long, but after so much change with separations, gearing up to another big change is daunting...