No idea where to start so this will probably seem all over the place. I’m now at the point where I feel I don’t actually know my own mind or feel I’m capable of making a decision. I also can’t work out if I’m actually the problem so I’ll be as honest as I can.
Background -
met when I was 16 he was 20 together ever since no breaks and lived together within months. 4 children oldest is away at Uni the other 3 - 13.11.9 are still at home.
I had a crap childhood and basically went from there straight to this relationship. Warning signs were all there but being a teenager who thought she knew it all and having no one decent around me to guide me I stayed and now I’m 38 I want out.
Husband in early days was in continuous trouble with the law, prison, fighting drug taking etc. He had no qualifications and couldn’t really read much. So I got us out the area as a starting point and started teaching him how to read and understand things better. I got him his cscs card for building sites and got him a job. He lasted around 2 years then stopped and was unemployed since 2011 to 2019. I have always worked hard so was always able to cover everything financially . And during most of that he couldn’t cope with the children so at least 1 or 2 of the children would be in either nursery or after school club that I had to pay for and I’d have to collect while he sat at home smoking cannabis. I’d come home dinner would be made most times but the full housework on top of working full time was on me. Bath times and up during night with kids all me, parents night, extra curricular clubs all me. Christmas, birthdays, Easter, holiday, school uniform. I organise all mostly pay for all, wrap everything and arrange it all. All family days out mainly involve me paying and taking the children.
Now over the years he hasn’t liked my friends so it was easier to come away from them. Didn’t like me going out so I don’t. Still with the ages of children cannot cope being left on his own so i cannot really go anywhere on my own. Comments on programmes I watch, how I cook things, how im cutting the grass so on so forth. Tells me I’ll need to quit my f** king job as he’s sick looking after the kids I also work a Saturday so he needs to have them then. He gaslights me, doesn’t ever listen to anything and no matter what goes wrong it’s my fault. I’ve asked him not to smoke cannabis and go off on his swearing racist homophobic misogynistic rants. I also do not like his mother she’s a huge trouble maker and his family is mostly estranged and most of his siblings do not talk to the mother. I’ve told him calmly I get Ill at the thought of having to see her and that I’d rather not. He makes me go even though it upsets me no end I’m told I’m going end of. He now has a job although he’s barely full time and doesn’t give me half towards the bills but bizarrely believes everything we have is down to him, when in fact every single thing we have is because of me.
Now before marriage and children he cheated a few times on me and I did once acting like a silly little girl to get back at him but I admitted it. But I was a teenager at the time and as far as I know he hasn’t since and I definitely have not.
This last 18 months has not been good his father and sister passed away neither of which he was close to however it sent him over the edge more so than normal. He’s been erratic super nasty, to me my children and random strangers. I just want to live in my home with my children and never ever live with another man in my life.
But here’s the doubts I question myself also I’ll say why -
I cannot abide his mother and don’t want to go over (I do not call her names, write stuff on social media etc stuff she’s done) so I think I’m unreasonable due to my behaviour also.
because of his behaviour and the grief still being a big thing and mentioned every day, I’m struggling to find sympathy at this point I’m sick of it. So again thinking it’s me again possibly not caring as much as I should.
some days I’m adamant I’m done I know there’s no coming back. Then others I think he’ll be so sad so will my son he won’t cope. I do everything for him and I don’t say that lightly I worry he won’t cope. I worry all the nastiness etc as he’s a scary man and has a nasty mouth.
My heads an utter mess has anyone been in a similar position ? Did you get out how are things now ? I guess I’m just so scared and I just want it all over I truly do. We can have good days but then I remember it’s because he’s got good weed, so it’s a fallacy.
If you got this far well done ! And please please refrain from being nasty. Im looking for constructive responses or to hear from others who are or were in a similar situation 💗