To regret wasting my life on a long distance relationship.

[Mayasmumm]

I met a man when I was in my early 20s, spent 12 years with him. Even had a child. He worked in the Middle East with only 8 weeks a year at home. I was frequently lonely and sad. It was hard and I have no idea why I never ended it. We had a home but I felt like a single lone parent. It ended due to repeated infidelity on his part.

Why did I do it? Why did I stay?

Who knows? Does it matter? Possibly find a therapist and talk it through. I'm of the view that no experience in life is ever wasted - everything you do or don't do contributes to your learning and future wisdom. If you're worrying about wasted time, don't. Get on with enjoying what you can of today.

People used to tell me they did not understand how I could be someone who was never here. I hated it but I still stayed. Always waiting for things to change. Of course they never did.

I guess I am somewhat scared/ worried I might end up in the same situation again if I do not address the why?

Therapy very much sounds like something I need to explore, thank you.

Low self esteem i'd think, if you didn't think you deserved better.

I think you are right. Would the low self esteem be a symptom of the unhealthy relationship or was it already lacking?

Does anyone have any advice on how you improve your self esteem?

I think therapy is probably the great way to help with self esteem. That and learning to rely on yourself and ensuring your happiness is not reliant on other people's opinion, and not comparing yourself to others.

Regret over the last 12 years is pointless at the end of the day. There is nothing you can do about it, so you will need to learn to let it go. Good luck building a future that is for you and your child!

12 years from your early 20s means that it was over by your mid 30s? That’s not “wasting your life”.

We all make mistakes in our 20s, tolerate things that we wouldn’t now. That’s how you learn.

Be kind to yourself

Consider your relationships with your parents. Were they present? Involved? Supportive? Most of our adult behaviours have links to the past.

You appear self reliant which can be an indicator of abuse or trauma as children aren't meant to be self reliant.

You may find you have low expectations and are surprised when people exceed them which is likely to also link to difficulties in childhood.

Just be grateful that you are no longer in the relationship, look ahead not back.

A lot of people are in relationships where their partner works away or spend a lot of time away (in the forces for example). I have a relative who’s dh was in the forces and often posted abroad, it actually work well for them but when he ended his service and came home she couldn’t handle him being home all the time and they split.

Stop looking for reasons and concentrate on your life now being free from him.