Behaviour is a language

[AyrshireTryer]

On another thread where a OH was being less than lovely someone used the phrase 'behaviour is a language' and this really hit home with me.

I was in a relationship for 20 years and it wasn't until I went into counselling that I really began to understand this phrase. The counsellor said my ex partner was an island and there were only rare occasions when he was available to me.

My partner is in a high powered job and then took on a massive volunteering role. If I didn't join in with the volunteering I might not see him all day on a Sunday. I often did admin work for his main job, including having my own job. Often he would ask me HR questions while he was getting ready in the bathroom; it often felt like I woke up in a boardroom.

Now we are not together he rings me for relationship advice and when things are not going well - he is ill etc - asks me to go back.

Friends have said to cut him out, to ignore, but I feel so guilty for leaving, and I am the kind of person who always tries to help.

In the most recent call he asked me if he was narcissistic, to which I replied "of course not." He then spoke about himself for an hour and a half and sort advice about his new possible partner.

Birthday cards for me - sent to my old address back in September have still not been forwarded to me. Most of our mutual friends have not contacted me since I moved out.

Do I need a shove? Should I just tell him he is indeed narcissistic? How do I move on? Should I cut contact? Why do I feel guilty?

What do you get out of this friendship(?) today?

If I am being honest I don't think I get much out of it, apart from feeling needed.
I probably get manipulated and get a bit mind fcuked.
It is nice to hear about mutual friends, but then they could all just contact me directly if they wanted to keep in touch.,
His new person is someone I was on a committee with years ago and is a huge Facebook, instagram sharer. Think at least two posts a day. There are no photos etc of the two of them together.
I need to cut ties don't I?

@AyrshireTryer

It's very telling he asked you such a weird question 🤔 as that?

Are you Narastistic?

Who on earth asks anybody 😕 that kind of question,

this is classic deflection, he is projecting his flaws about himself onto to you,

He is an ex for an reason that's for sure,

i wouldn't be susprised if he was either a Narastistic or got some serious character flaws that screwed up the relationship in the first place,

Narastistic people make shit partner's and parents too

Arseholes, !

Make this a new year the year you move on from him for good...

We is he doing all this weird stuff as trying to keep in touch with you,

Block 🚫 delete his mobile no out of contacts and social media too,

He is trying to have his cake and eat it, one toe in and one toe out of the waters,
So he has the best of both worlds,

so he can keep you hanging on the line so you are psudeo actiquances/ friendship type of thing,

He is messing with your head...

He sounds like a control freak and he still far too much involved in your life...

@AyrshireTryer

I think you need to really consirder why you feel a need to have this control freak of an ex still in your life of sorts ?

what dysfunctional need is it consciously or unconsciously filling 🤔 then ect?

Another words i think you need to go into therapy to find out the roots of this need for unsatisfactory friendship of your ex ect..

Definitley block and delete.

He sounds narcissistic. You should have told him so when he asked.

I would recommend you have counselling to improve your confidence and self- worth.

All the best for 2024 and beyond.

Typo mistake we *

If I am being honest I don't think I get much out of it, apart from feeling needed.

Do you get that much pleasure from feeling needed?
Does the pleasure he gives you from feeling needed outweigh the long list of negatives you've shared?

It sounds to me like it doesn't.

However, you have focused on him a lot in your OP. Not on yourself. So a couple of comments -
You don't need to tell him he's a narcissist, even if you think he is
You don't need to fix him
You don't need to understand why he is how he is
You don't need to look at his social media and analyse why he's posting what he's posting

You just need to think of yourself and what kind of friendships you want in your life. And if he doesn't fit the bill, just stop being friends with him. It can be that simple.

Thank you for your messages.

not sure how you can feel needed? You could’ve put the phone down and he would be mine the wiser.

Also he can pay for councelling.

Do you not have anything better to do that would be more enjoyable.

The fact that he asked if you thought he was a narcissist suggests to me that someone else has probably told him he is, and he's looking to you for validation. You didn't help yourself by saying no. Cut all ties with him.
And yes, all behaviour is communication. Your behaviour in entertaining his contact only serves to sustain this peculiar non-relationship.

Lots of food for thought here and thank you all for your messages.